Larez
Member
- Mar 22, 2018
- 25
Hi, sorry for the edgy title.
Two weeks ago, after a few fucked events etc [tl;dr], I've finally reached an ever-present sense of depressive spontaneity. This made me finally set on a date, an actual ctb date that seams reasonable and far enough to let myself still figure out who the fuck I am in the meantime. For years now I've been living in a fade - indifferent at me minimal wage jobs, lurking and relating in here, dissociating during time-off, etc etc........-depressed and fucked up most of my life, w00w blah blah-. Now, though, I feel like I've been marked and that this is it. I'm already self-destructive and had two close attempts during the last decade. Right now, though, I feel strangely calm, yet I have those silent eruptions of excitement now that I've been figuring out how I'll go and when. Actual, tangible plans - thinking about them makes me actually feel, dayummm.
Having a date doesn't feel serene in the true sense of the word, but it had provided me with enough clarity to sustain enough discipline for what I have managed to plan out and left me enough awareness to realize what I plan to do before the end. I might've destroyed myself already because of my drinking, smoking, etc etc etc, and for the last week I've been drunk and high almost 24/7, but that's ok.
I have plans to limit this for a couple of days and do other things before I leave. I might still pussy out, not succeed, get swallowed by survival instinct or whatever, but right now I feel way more certainty than usual. My health might've already caught up to me and done fucked me up, but that'd be alright, if not better.
So now I'll just meditate with a bottle of beer and a shot of whiskey until morning that comes in one hour and then leave for my 12 hour shift. I know how it'll all most probably turn out and that's that. Good night.
Two weeks ago, after a few fucked events etc [tl;dr], I've finally reached an ever-present sense of depressive spontaneity. This made me finally set on a date, an actual ctb date that seams reasonable and far enough to let myself still figure out who the fuck I am in the meantime. For years now I've been living in a fade - indifferent at me minimal wage jobs, lurking and relating in here, dissociating during time-off, etc etc........-depressed and fucked up most of my life, w00w blah blah-. Now, though, I feel like I've been marked and that this is it. I'm already self-destructive and had two close attempts during the last decade. Right now, though, I feel strangely calm, yet I have those silent eruptions of excitement now that I've been figuring out how I'll go and when. Actual, tangible plans - thinking about them makes me actually feel, dayummm.
Having a date doesn't feel serene in the true sense of the word, but it had provided me with enough clarity to sustain enough discipline for what I have managed to plan out and left me enough awareness to realize what I plan to do before the end. I might've destroyed myself already because of my drinking, smoking, etc etc etc, and for the last week I've been drunk and high almost 24/7, but that's ok.
I have plans to limit this for a couple of days and do other things before I leave. I might still pussy out, not succeed, get swallowed by survival instinct or whatever, but right now I feel way more certainty than usual. My health might've already caught up to me and done fucked me up, but that'd be alright, if not better.
So now I'll just meditate with a bottle of beer and a shot of whiskey until morning that comes in one hour and then leave for my 12 hour shift. I know how it'll all most probably turn out and that's that. Good night.
