Mood weeks before ctb?

[girlofduty]

To those that are planning or thinking about ctb less than a month from now, are you increasingly angrier or at peace or sadder or nothing has changed in your mood yet?

I find that I am SO short of patience with everything and everyone. I plan to ctb in 3 weeks or so, though I may chicken out once more but I feel it more strongly this time than ever before. I just can't seem to even pretend to care as I used to. So over it.

 

[WornOutLife]

Last August, when I was 100% I was gonna die and tried to ctb, during those weeks before "the moment", I remember feeling awesome.
I had lots of sex, drinks, drugs, didn't work, didn't study. Just fun and more fun while I prepared my goodbye letters and that stuff.

However, some minutes before my death, I remember being sad. I was like "Damn, I was really a failure in this goddamn thing called life". Still, I felt better some seconds later and was waiting for death happily but I only got a 2-day coma and a prison (my parents' house) for 6 months. Not the afterlife I guess...lol

 

[girlofduty]

Last August, when I was 100% I was gonna die and tried to ctb, during those weeks before "the moment", I remember feeling awesome.
I had lots of sex, drinks, drugs, didn't work, didn't study. Just fun and more fun while I prepared my goodbye letters and that stuff.

However, some minutes before my death, I remember being sad. I was like "Damn, I was really a failure in this goddamn thing called life". Still, I felt better some seconds later and was waiting for death happily but I only got a 2-day coma and a prison (my parents' house) for 6 months. Not the afterlife I guess...lol

Sound like you were doing what I think everyone should before ctb back in August.

What was your attempted method?

 

[WornOutLife]

Sound like you were doing what I think everyone should before ctb back in August.

What was your attempted method?

lol I certainly did! I thought it was my time for real but damn, hell came later! I can't fail next time!

My method was OD with 100 pills (lorazepam, clonazepam, sertraline, aripiprazol and lamotrigine) + partial hanging. I ended up passing out before I could hang myself and I only remember waking up in a hospital 2 days later with a sad-happy image I'll never forget: my father soaked in tears of happiness because I had finally "woken up".

 

[usernameforhere]

I'm more emotional the. I thought I'd be. Had to acquire new supplies, was more annoyed at that process then I should have been.

been thinking about things that already happened. When I look forward I don't see anything so I'm convinced this is correct for me. I can tell it's going to be hard to do.

oddly angry that it's come to this, but don't really want to do things differently. Not regret, just pissed off.

 

[builtwrong]

I don't know honestly, I swing between fine with it and ready to go, to crumpled over in anxiety attacks over the guilt, and the fear. I got a zip of weed so I doubt that'll help with the certainty, but it'll keep me kicking for a little longer. I'm starting to forget why I'm still living, why I want to drag it on. my suicide is inevitable, the guilt can only keep me alive for so much longer

 

[Ame]

Thank you for posting this thread, @girlofduty. I haven't really seen too many threads on this topic and thought that it would make for an interesting discussion. Being in touch with and gauging my own emotions have always been things that I have found challenging at the best of times - so trying to put words to what I am feeling in the weeks leading up to my death is an experience. The brain fog that I have been dealing with for the past couple of days has been so intense that I can barely string together proper sentences (regardless of language) much less properly articulate my thoughts. Apologies if whatever I have written is impossible to parse. It might be worth noting that while I am mourning the end of my life, I am also dealing with grief from having recently lost someone dear to me to suicide.

"Volatile" seems like a fitting word, because my mood rapidly oscillates between guilt fueled anxiety and a grey numbness that I can sometimes convince myself to call "acceptance". I've found that as time goes on, the frequency of these oscillations has increased but the amplitude is gradually flattening out. I suspect that I should reach a point, where I don't feel very much at all beyond a tiredness that no amount of sleep could ever remedy. There were members here who told me, that despite having spent the majority of their days plagued by paralysing anxiety, on the day of their death, they felt this calmness and a certain peace. I held onto those words, and I won't lie and say that I don't hope that I find the same.

That feeling (or at least a cheap facsimile of it) does creep up on occasion -- usually in the small hours of the morning when my insomnia keeps me up and I think about how every possible permutation of my future life outcomes would be intolerable -- but it only comes in short waves. There is a shift though...I think. I feel that the emotional distance between myself and my loved ones is growing and that my guilt is slowly being chipped away to reveal the final hurdle of "survival instinct".

I'm am beyond tired.

 

[jusbug]

i feel strange it's like i don't know what to feel

 

[watchingthewheels]

"Gail Wynand sat on the edge of the bed, slumped forward, his elbows on his knees, the gun on the palm of his hand. He moved his hand, weighing the gun. smiled, a faint smile of derision. No, he thought, that's not for you. Not yet. You still have the sense of not wanting to die senselessly. You were stopped by that. Even that is a remnant—of something. He tossed the gun aside on the bed, knowing that the moment was past and the thing was of no danger to him any longer. He got up. He felt no elation; he felt tired; but he was back in his normal course. There were no problems, except to finish this day quickly and go to sleep.

"He slouched casually against the glass pane of his bedroom, the weight of a gun on his palm. Today, he thought; what was today? Did anything happen that would help me now and give meaning to this moment?

"He dropped the book and stood up. He had no wish to remain on that spot; he had no wish to move from it. He thought that he should go to sleep. It was much too early for him, but he could get up earlier tomorrow. He went to his bedroom, he took a shower, he put on his pajamas. Then he opened a drawer of his dresser and saw the gun he always kept there. It was the immediate recognition, the sudden stab of interest, that made him pick it up. It was the lack of shock, when he thought he would kill himself, that convinced him he should. The thought seemed so simple, like an argument not worth contesting. Like a bromide.

"Now he stood at the glass wall, stopped by that very simplicity. One could make a bromide of one's life, he thought; but not of one's death.

"He walked to the bed and sat down, the gun hanging in his hand. A man about to die, he thought, is supposed to see his whole life in a last flash. I see nothing. But I could make myself see it. I could go over it again, by force. Let me find in it either the will to live on or the reason to end it now."

-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

 

[girlofduty]

lol I certainly did! I thought it was my time for real but damn, hell came later! I can't fail next time!

My method was OD with 100 pills (lorazepam, clonazepam, sertraline, aripiprazol and lamotrigine) + partial hanging. I ended up passing out before I could hang myself and I only remember waking up in a hospital 2 days later with a sad-happy image I'll never forget: my father soaked in tears of happiness because I had finally "woken up".

Ok, I had planned on doing something similar, perhaps using the pills after setting myself up would be better, good to know. Are your parents more watchful now? I guess that's the reason for the "confinement"?

I'm more emotional the. I thought I'd be. Had to acquire new supplies, was more annoyed at that process then I should have been.

been thinking about things that already happened. When I look forward I don't see anything so I'm convinced this is correct for me. I can tell it's going to be hard to do.

oddly angry that it's come to this, but don't really want to do things differently. Not regret, just pissed off.

Yes, it's really hard to do, crazy when millions die every day, though unwillingly for most. It does suck that it has to come to this but whatever you choose to do, I hope that you find peace, whether it's in life or death.

I don't know honestly, I swing between fine with it and ready to go, to crumpled over in anxiety attacks over the guilt, and the fear. I got a zip of weed so I doubt that'll help with the certainty, but it'll keep me kicking for a little longer. I'm starting to forget why I'm still living, why I want to drag it on. my suicide is inevitable, the guilt can only keep me alive for so much longer

Maybe you're secretly waiting on someone to save you? At least that's why I've been dragging it. Though, there are also many persons depending on me financially, so that's a huge one for me.

Thank you for posting this thread, @girlofduty. I haven't really seen too many threads on this topic and thought that it would make for an interesting discussion. Being in touch with and gauging my own emotions have always been things that I have found challenging at the best of times - so trying to put words to what I am feeling in the weeks leading up to my death is an experience. The brain fog that I have been dealing with for the past couple of days has been so intense that I can barely string together proper sentences (regardless of language) much less properly articulate my thoughts. Apologies if whatever I have written is impossible to parse. It might be worth noting that while I am mourning the end of my life, I am also dealing with grief from having recently lost someone dear to me to suicide.

"Volatile" seems like a fitting word, because my mood rapidly oscillates between guilt fueled anxiety and a grey numbness that I can sometimes convince myself to call "acceptance". I've found that as time goes on, the frequency of these oscillations has increased but the amplitude is gradually flattening out. I suspect that I should reach a point, where I don't feel very much at all beyond a tiredness that no amount of sleep could ever remedy. There were members here who told me, that despite having spent the majority of their days plagued by paralysing anxiety, on the day of their death, they felt this calmness and a certain peace. I held onto those words, and I won't lie and say that I don't hope that I find the same.

That feeling (or at least a cheap facsimile of it) does creep up on occasion -- usually in the small hours of the morning when my insomnia keeps me up and I think about how every possible permutation of my future life outcomes would be intolerable -- but it only comes in short waves. There is a shift though...I think. I feel that the emotional distance between myself and my loved ones is growing and that my guilt is slowly being chipped away to reveal the final hurdle of "survival instinct".

I'm am beyond tired.

You write is so nicely, if this were a novel, I would find it hard to peel my eyes off of the pages. I can relate to much of what you have written. I am sorry about the emotional distance between you and loved ones but this is also the point that I relate to the most.

I wonder if people get that peace once they know that their hour is indeed near or first comes the peace which prompts the feeling that now is the time?

"Gail Wynand sat on the edge of the bed, slumped forward, his elbows on his knees, the gun on the palm of his hand. He moved his hand, weighing the gun. smiled, a faint smile of derision. No, he thought, that's not for you. Not yet. You still have the sense of not wanting to die senselessly. You were stopped by that. Even that is a remnant—of something. He tossed the gun aside on the bed, knowing that the moment was past and the thing was of no danger to him any longer. He got up. He felt no elation; he felt tired; but he was back in his normal course. There were no problems, except to finish this day quickly and go to sleep.

"He slouched casually against the glass pane of his bedroom, the weight of a gun on his palm. Today, he thought; what was today? Did anything happen that would help me now and give meaning to this moment?

"He dropped the book and stood up. He had no wish to remain on that spot; he had no wish to move from it. He thought that he should go to sleep. It was much too early for him, but he could get up earlier tomorrow. He went to his bedroom, he took a shower, he put on his pajamas. Then he opened a drawer of his dresser and saw the gun he always kept there. It was the immediate recognition, the sudden stab of interest, that made him pick it up. It was the lack of shock, when he thought he would kill himself, that convinced him he should. The thought seemed so simple, like an argument not worth contesting. Like a bromide.

"Now he stood at the glass wall, stopped by that very simplicity. One could make a bromide of one's life, he thought; but not of one's death.

"He walked to the bed and sat down, the gun hanging in his hand. A man about to die, he thought, is supposed to see his whole life in a last flash. I see nothing. But I could make myself see it. I could go over it again, by force. Let me find in it either the will to live on or the reason to end it now."

-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

Thank you for sharing!

 

[orlandom]

To those that are planning or thinking about ctb less than a month from now, are you increasingly angrier or at peace or sadder or nothing has changed in your mood yet?

I find that I am SO short of patience with everything and everyone. I plan to ctb in 3 weeks or so, though I may chicken out once more but I feel it more strongly this time than ever before. I just can't seem to even pretend to care as I used to. So over it.

The mood is very different. I just have a nice little thought. That soon everything will be over and the pain will stop.

 

[WornOutLife]

Ok, I had planned on doing something similar, perhaps using the pills after setting myself up would be better, good to know. Are your parents more watchful now? I guess that's the reason for the "confinement"?

Yes, it's really hard to do, crazy when millions die every day, though unwillingly for most. It does suck that it has to come to this but whatever you choose to do, I hope that you find peace, whether it's in life or death.

Maybe you're secretly waiting on someone to save you? At least that's why I've been dragging it. Though, there are also many persons depending on me financially, so that's a huge one for me.

You write is so nicely, if this were a novel, I would find it hard to peel my eyes off of the pages. I can relate to much of what you have written. I am sorry about the emotional distance between you and loved ones but this is also the point that I relate to the most.

I wonder if people get that peace once they know that their hour is indeed near or first comes the peace which prompts the feeling that now is the time?

Thank you for sharing!

Yes, for 6 months they didn't even allow me to grab a kitchem knife lol. Now, I'm finally living alone again but my dad calls me up everyday. I guess he'll be traumatized forever. After all, he was the one who found me.

 

[Deathbydemo]

Right now, for me I'm just playing the waiting game. Ordered my SN and praying that it gets through customs with no issues, if so; I am going as soon as it arrives. I don't even know how I feel knowing the end is coming soon. Sometimes euphoric. Nothing really matters anymore. I almost feel like I can't be sad right now because whatever I have to be sad doesn't even matter. It's strange. I guess if I had to sum it up, I feel good for the first time in months. All this pain will finally end, and I genuinely can not wait.

 

[girlofduty]

Right now, for me I'm just playing the waiting game. Ordered my SN and praying that it gets through customs with no issues, if so; I am going as soon as it arrives. I don't even know how I feel knowing the end is coming soon. Sometimes euphoric. Nothing really matters anymore. I almost feel like I can't be sad right now because whatever I have to be sad doesn't even matter. It's strange. I guess if I had to sum it up, I feel good for the first time in months. All this pain will finally end, and I genuinely can not wait.

It's strange, I am both happy and sad for you. But I get it. Whatever happens, I hope you find your peace.

 

[Deathbydemo]

It's strange, I am both happy and sad for you. But I get it. Whatever happens, I hope you find your peace.

Thank you very much. I hope the same for you.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I am only a few months or so before death & I feel a tad sad, but mostly at peace. It's weird, but since I've wanted to die since 2015 or so it's also liberating.

I'm trying to immerse myself in beautiful music before I die. I want to feel calm when I pass, not depressed.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

A pendulum between peacefulness and sadness, that's the way my mood is going. I intended to ctb in June, but I'm not sure now if the logistics of my plan will hold up due to unforeseen circumstances. If that exit doesn't come to fruition, I am going to try to make sure I am gone from this world before next fall.

I have solidified the decision in my mind, and it is very hard to grapple with the permanence of dying. While sometimes I feel very at peace with my decision and await the sweet release of death, other times I am slightly scared and fear I will have to wait for an impulsive wave of despair to strike me before I may find the courage to end this suffering once and for all.

I do not fear death as much as I used to, because I find myself in agony when I wake up each day and realize that my dreamless sleep is over. To me, I think dying will feel like drifting into an eternal sleep, with no dreams or nightmares to interrupt the tranquility.

At the same time, I am terrified of drinking SN. Because I have digestive issues, I know that it is going to hurt like hell and that I will likely throw up. I hate vomiting. It makes me reminisce about some of my trauma especially when the gag reflex hits.

I keep meaning to write my letters, yet I am stuck in a stupor of speechlessness as soon as I attempt to start typing out my thoughts. How can I express my hopelessness to the very same people who have ignored my honest words about how bad my quality of life is from the very beginning? The finality of it all is daunting.

I'm trying to go on right now as if nothing is happening. I try to be inconspicuous but deep down, what I truly want is to be able to have one last good week or so and guide people towards accepting my inevitable departure. That isnt allowed by society.

I will have uni exams in several weeks and I'll have to sit them as normal. I haven't been able to study at all because my illnesses make it damn near impossible due to brain fog, visual snow, and floaters. Yet, I have to pretend like everything is peachy and I'm a good student as not to arouse suspicion.

It hurts. My bf doesn't understand and wants me to stop talking about my unfixable problems. I just don't know how to seal my lips and shut up. My friends don't understand it either. Everyone assumes I will keep living and tolerating this horrible quality of existence forever. I refuse.

Soon I will be forced to have more blood tests and scans done, which I don't want. I'm only doing it to placate my partner. How people can still imagine me having any sort of future is beyond me, when I have fully committed to not having ahy sort of continued existence.

These are troublesome feelings.