Mood deteriorating rapidly

[Phoenix1990]

I'm struggling beyond words right now. My mood and auditory hallucinations are getting even worse than what they normally are.
I want to seriously fuck myself up, but can't because my cousin in the house and my bitch of a mother is in the other room. I have so much resentment and anger towards her (long story)
I'm feeling so agitated and restless. My voices are wanting me to end it now, but I don't have the means to do it right now. Tomorrow I have to put my plan in to action and bring forward my 'end date'.
This is going to be another long night!

 

[Rukia]

Is this all despite meds? Or you dont take them?
Why do you want to listen to these voices?
Is it possible to go to sleep or take a sleeping pill?

 

[Phoenix1990]

Is this all despite meds? Or you dont take them?
Why do you want to listen to these voices?
Is it possible to go to sleep or take a sleeping pill?

This is in despite of meds. I don't want to listen to the voices. I have no choice. My psych has stopped prescribing me sleepers as they are no longer having any effect. I'm not new to this.

 

[Rukia]

I used to have auditory and visual hallucinations too...Would it help to discuss with those voices? I used to do it...At least time will pass by quicker....
Are those just "voices" or do they pretend to be someone like God or sth?

 

[Phoenix1990]

I was on eBay two nights ago, looking for Primperan (antiemetic) One seller, from Spain, was selling their last box. Just checked to buy the box, but no longer being sold or has been sold. I'm just about to order SN. See if my GP (general doc) will prescribed me them tomorrow, if I tell them that I am suffering from severe nausea.

I used to have auditory and visual hallucinations too...Would it help to discuss with those voices? I used to do it...At least time will pass by quicker....
Are those just "voices" or do they pretend to be someone like God or sth?

I have four. Two male, two female. The last calls themselves Jesus.

 

[Rukia]

Thats what I mean by "listening to the voices" that they tell you to CTB and you plan to do it...

My voices are wanting me to end it now, but I don't have the means to do it right now.

 

[Phoenix1990]

Thats what I mean by "listening to the voices" that they tell you to CTB and you plan to do it...

I've just come off eBay and ordered 250g of SN. Due to arrive between 30-31 July. One plus to being restless is I'm able to put my plan in to action.

 

[Rukia]

Do you suffer from schizophrenia too?

 

[Phoenix1990]

Do you suffer from schizophrenia too?

Schizoaffective disorder, which is similar. Basically the Schizo part means I have schizophrenic symptoms and the affective part means I have extreme highs and lows like bipolar. It's a combination of the two. Sorry to hear that you suffer from schizophrenia

 

[Rukia]

Thats ok, I know others suffer even more that I do...I know a little about schizoaffective disorder...sounds even worse than schizophrenia...
Is yours treatment resistant?

 

[Phoenix1990]

Thats ok, I know others suffer even more that I do...I know a little about schizoaffective disorder...sounds even worse than schizophrenia...
Is yours treatment resistant?

Unfortunately it is treatment resistant. I'm just fighting a losing battle. Is your condition treatment resistant too?

 

[Rukia]

Partly, I have partial remission for now...Are the voices present all the time?

 

[Phoenix1990]

Partly, I have partial remission for now...Are the voices present all the time?

Yeah. Never have a break. It's exhausting.

 

[Rukia]

Are the voices nasty all the time? Because when my psychosis started they were even funny, they got nastier and nastier with time...

 

[Phoenix1990]

Are the voices nasty all the time? Because when my psychosis started they were even funny, they got nastier and nastier with time...

Are you hearing voices now? All four of my voices are abusive. Never say anything positive.

Are you hearing voices now? All four of my voices are abusive. Never say anything positive.

The only joke is they support the fact that I'm on this site.

 

[Rukia]

Sometimes I hear, they are nasty But now I know it is bogus and I used to belive I was talking with God and so on..

Is there absolutely no hope? I heard about new med called Reagilla here...It is pricey though...

 

[Phoenix1990]

Sometimes I hear, they are nasty But now I know it is bogus and I used to belive I was talking with God and so on..

Is there absolutely no hope? I heard about new med called Reagilla here...It is pricey though...

I've been a fighter for so long, but have always known on some level that there was no hope. I've tried and fought so long that I no longer have it in me to continue like this, when I no it doesn't get any better but worse. This is not the life I ever thought I would have but it is the life I've been cursed with. Knowing that peace is just around the corner is comforting.

 

[Rukia]

How are you coping?

 

[Phoenix1990]

How are you coping?

Good morning Rukia

How are you?
I'm not feeling too good. I sat in the park last night in the dark (stupid I know) I met some guys and went back to their place (again completely idiotic) I don't see danger until it's too late. I did stuff that I shouldn't have done, but wasn't thinking clearly. I'm not proud. I need out. Arrghhh

 

[Rukia]

Good morning!
Sorry to hear that! Dont know what to say...

As for me another exciting day in bed is beginning

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Do you guys ever tell the voices to fuck off? I don't hear voices but more like intrusive thoughts that I know are not my own. I tell them to fuck off. It took a while for me to notice a difference, I had to be consistent and analyze every thought. It still bothers me and causes problems when I can't tell where a thought is coming from but I have found relief. I had an auditory hallucination once and it was terrifying. It was during an episode of sleep paralysis, I heard what I can only describe as thousands of demonic voices speaking all at once. It was insanely loud. I thought I was going insane at this point in my life. I had a lot of other weird stuff going on. I thought I was in the early stages of schizophrenia. Then I found out I had manganese poisoning. I couldn't find a lot of info on it but some anecdotal evidence that it contributes to schizophrenia. So I immediately thought of my uncle who had schizophrenia. If you don't work in the mining industry (which I didn't) the most likely source of manganese poisoning is drinking contaminated well water. I lived on the same farm as my uncle, we drank the same well water. I have wondered if that is what caused our symptoms. Then again a lot of things have been linked to schizophrenia. It may be more than one thing that causes it. But if heavy metals contribute at least there is a way to alleviate it. I can say that I feel more clear headed after detoxing but still struggling.