Venting monster

[Lavínia]

My mother underwent some tests and has heart problems. I could hear her fragility and insecurity in her voice, and I knew how to comfort her and behave to welcome her. It was automatic. But there is no feeling, I don't feel worried about her. I don't love her, I don't care about her. Why is it like this? Should it be natural? Why isn't it like this? As I thought about this, I thought about what would happen if her situation got worse and she died. How much things would change, maybe for the better. How could I use it as an excuse to frown and change direction. A flash of lightning. Does it matter? It doesn't matter. It used to hurt so much, now it's acceptable. My mother is the kindest and most hard-working person I know, and I can't love her. It doesn't make any difference.

I don't care about people, but I do care about what they think. Will they blame me when I die? Will they think I'm weak? Am I weak? How will they see it? I remembered this feeling again, this strange thing, that I feel can only be hidden. No one can know. There is no excuse for thinking this way, it's just disgusting.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Maybe you're just numb, and will feel that later?

 

[INYGTRMTFMO]

There is no excuse for thinking this way, it's just disgusting.

A true monster wouldn't have enough of a moral compass to feel disgust at this.

A sense of numbness and detachment is very common in depression. I also sense that life has been traumatic for you. Neither of which make you a bad person even if they do affect the way you feel internally. That you provided comfort to your mom despite your internal state is a sign of considerable goodness.

 

[F@#$]

I don't care about people or what they think. I've come to realize they almost always think the worst anyway. So fuck'em.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

Numbness happens. If you are numb and you STILL can see that you should feel something, that's a major sign of having a strong moral compass. It probably takes a lot more to move you, but you're unable to move very well right now, if you get what I'm saying.

Overall, seems normal for someone who is tired of everything, even incredible considering you actually spit it out here. It takes a strong person to let others know you did something you perceived as wrong.

One thing I found about monsters is that most of them aren't real, but created by people. Perhaps you created that monster to cope with the feeling that you shouldn't be who you are? As soon as you realize the monster is just a construct, and you are its master, it becomes just a memory, and you've shown you can do this already. You can feel, you just couldn't at that moment. You're still human, flawed, and doing mistakes is okay.

Just remember that you want to avoid pain, and that is what you did at the moment. There is nothing more human than avoiding suffering. Do not let yourself believe otherwise. You are strong, you are considerate, and you are kind. Being kind to yourself is what you need right now.