Moments in your life that changed you

[luten]

We talking about specific moments in your life that changed you as a person.

Mine:

1. My mother's death. I was 19 years old. I could not see her in her final days as I was assaulted by my father, and I just couldn't go see her, i was not strong enough. Some family members could not understand this, even while having police, and hospital records of the assault, and while in fact some family members took me to the police station and hospital when it happened. Her funeral was hard to absorb.
   
   
2. The day I had to make the decision to euthanize my dog , it was only a year after my mothers death, that dog was my everything.
   
   
3. I have been involved in court battles with my father, to get his support because I am disabled, it was nasty, when you have to take your own parent to court, because he cant accept you as his child, it is not something that i can describe in words, it made me sick to my stomach. It involves a lot of stress, court battles are brutal.
   
   
4. When neurosurgeon said to my parents that they will have to push a catheter through my neck artery into my heart, this while taking me to theater for a brain operation, I was only 15 years old.
   
   
5. When surgeon came into the operating theater, and told the anesthesiologist to put me to sleep, and deflate my left lung, this to remove four ribs. Exact words "make him sleep, deflate his left lung, we removing 4 ribs, I'll be back". I was laying on a cold operating table with ECK stickers on my chest. I was about 21 years old. It was hard to hear, and there was nothing humane about it. I think this was the cherry on-top of the cake (after years of witnessing extreme domestic violence, and going through major surgeries for my disabilities), after that day I was pretty much numb, and nothing could get to me any-longer.
   
   
6. Went to father house after I received a call that he is suicidal, found him unconscious on my childhood bed, he OD with my mist morphine and amitriptyline. I watched him for 30 minutes, breathing slower and slower, paramedics took 30 minutes to show-up. At this point in life I was already numb, and I did not feel anything while I waited for the paramedics to show-up. I spoke with a very calm voice with 911, so much that I thought I should probably phone them again, and tell them that this man is dying, so I did. He did this on my childhood bed because of grudges against me. He ended up on a ventilator for 7 days, and a private psychiatric clinic for a month.
   
   
7. I also seen my father hit my mother so many times, between the ages 0f 4-18, it is something that also killed me from the inside.
   
   
8. The times that my father told surgeons that I am sensitive to pain, so that they wont see me again, and thus he doesn't have to pay for the consultations, then a cyst in my spinal-cord was found (7 years later), and he could no longer do that .
   
   
9. When I can back from holiday in 2018, and found out my best friend died, I even missed his funeral, it was an 18 year friendship.
   
   
10. Something that also changed my life was all the bodies I that have seen in accident aftermaths on the highway, some of them were really gruesome, body parts scattered all over the road, covered with blankets. It is something you see all the time when you use the highway as much as I do.
    
    despite all of this, i still see my father, i think things are better between us than it ever been before, but far from perfect. i hold no bitterness towards anyone for anything, as it wont be helpful.

My half-brother committed suicide - it did not affect me much, as i never met him. My cousin attempted suicide, me and my x gf found her on a sidewalk, bleeding out, took her to hospital, but some years later she committed suicide. It did not affect me much, I was already dead from the inside.

how about you?

 

[LifeQuitter2018]

When I got appendicitis, I got into the hospital, got a surgery and lie there for a week. Seeing what happens in the patients recovery room really shatters my view of (human) reality. Although it's not life changing, (I've been depressed long before that), it deepens my depression realism to a new level.

Hospital is really a harsh, depressing place. It's one of the places in human society that you can observe all kinds of miseries, all kinds of injuries, all kinds of sickness, all kinds of sufferings, all kinds of deaths, ... That must be said, the people who work in hospitals (doctors, nurses, ...) must have a strong mind, otherwise all the stuffs they see in there will haunt them for the rest of their life.

 

[Deathbydemo]

You have been through so, so much. Too much for one person to take. I am so incredibly sorry. Life is so unfair, oftentimes to good people who deserve so much better. How horrible.

I could list everything that completely changed me as a person, but I think it would break me. I don't know if I ever will. I've decided nobody needs to hear my story because, in the end, none of it will even matter.

 

[luten]

You have been through so, so much. Too much for one person to take. I am so incredibly sorry. Life is so unfair, oftentimes to good people who deserve so much better. How horrible.

I could list everything that completely changed me as a person, but I think it would break me. I don't know if I ever will. I've decided nobody needs to hear my story because, in the end, none of it will even matter.

i respect your decision, not everyone wants to open about their past. To me it is not a big deal, everyone in my life already knows about it, however I am sometimes hesitant to share my story with prospective gf's, i dont want to scare them. Sometimes I share my story, because the moral of my life's story is, there is no end to suffering, there is no such thing as too much, as long as a person is alive, so long a person is subject to suffering. I never got a break, and even now my health is deteriorating as I age. One can see it as a bad thing, or one can be neutral, and not think too much about it, accept it as part of life, which I do. I have to turn off thoughts in order to live my life. Ofcourse, 95% of the time I don't feel good, not physically or mentally, but I live for the 5%. Covid makes it harder, but hopefuly one day I will be able to do the things that makes me happy.

 

[MindFrog]

There's alot.. but the first one was probably the death of a loved one, when I was 13. I silently grieve for three years.. Almost dropped out of school. I didnt really get any consolation cause that person was deeply hated by my family. I felt so alone.

I also blamed myself cause I knew she was physically hurting. She didnt want to get checked cause we were poor. I hated everyone for not helping her and I hated myself for being incompetent.

Even typing this now, makes me tear up a bit.

 

[Deathbydemo]

i respect your decision, not everyone wants to open about their past. To me it is not a big deal, everyone in my life already knows about it, however I am sometimes hesitant to share my story with prospective gf's, i dont want to scare them. Sometimes I share my story, because the moral of my life's story is, there is no end to suffering, there is no such thing as too much, as long as a person is alive, so long a person is subject to suffering. I never got a break, and even now my health is deteriorating as I age. One can see it as a bad thing, or one can be neutral, and not think too much about it, accept it as part of life, which I do. I have to turn off thoughts in order to live my life. Ofcourse, 95% of the time I don't feel good, not physically or mentally, but I live for the 5%. Covid makes it harder, but hopefuly one day I will be able to do the things that makes me happy.

I'm glad you found a place here to share your story, or at least these parts of it. You truly have been through so much. Living for that 5% is something. I hope, one day, you can live for much more than that.

I wish I could do the same. Turn off the thoughts in order to live. I read a quote recently. "There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living." Unfortunately, that is not a skill I learned in 30 years. All the hurt and pain will finally end very soon though, so that's something.

 

[Nigh]

I think life's been alright here and there. However, there have been a few pivotal moments.

1. Having a senior family member force and lock themselves in a cupboard with me when I was a child, and devolping dissociative amnesia from this.

2. Getting skin problems when I was younger due to stress and allergies, and then being treated differently.

3. Being assaulted outside.

4. Day dreaming because of dyspraxia ,which led to me being accused of looking at someone inappropriately, when I wasn't even staring at anything in particular, because of this I developed ocd staring.

5. Being sectioned. I'm introverted, so that was hard. However, the silver lining is someone I didnt have strong ties with visted me, we have now became quite close. She also has mental health issues due to her niece's suicide. She's very understanding and is easy to talk to.

 

[luten]

I'm glad you found a place here to share your story, or at least these parts of it. You truly have been through so much. Living for that 5% is something. I hope, one day, you can live for much more than that.

I wish I could do the same. Turn off the thoughts in order to live. I read a quote recently. "There are things that have to forgotten if you want to go on living." Unfortunately, that is not a skill I learned in 30 years. All the hurt and pain will finally end very soon though, so that's something.

The quote holds truth. It also helps to look at the mind for what it is, unreliable, and way too busy. I hope that whatever it is that bothers you so much , that you will find some relieve, and happiness in the moment. Btw 5% is a lot for a screw-up like myself

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

For me it's more about the moments that never occurred. Had a few traumas, nothing big though.

 

[luten]

For me it's more about the moments that never occurred. Had a few traumas, nothing big though.

i hear you, to be in the negative is also a problem, not having, never had.

I think life's been alright here and there. However, there have been a few pivotal moments.

1. Having a senior family member force and lock themselves in a cupboard with me when I was a child, and devolping dissociative amnesia from this.

2. Getting skin problems when I was younger due to stress and allergies, and then being treated differently.

3. Being assaulted outside.

4. Day dreaming because of dyspraxia ,which led to me being accused of looking at someone inappropriately, when I wasn't even staring at anything in particular, because of this I developed ocd staring.

5. Being sectioned. I'm introverted, so that was hard. However, the silver lining is someone I didnt have strong ties with visted me, we have now became quite close. She also has mental health issues due to her niece's suicide. She's very understanding and is easy to talk to.

thank you for sharing

 

[noname223]

First and seconded psychosis. Lost my mind, my hopes and gonna lose my life.

 

[FarAcrossTheWater]

I really died when I got put in a mental hospital for a week.

 

[alittlehuman_]

When I suffered the same blow I myself administered to another years earlier. I realized in that moment that the perpetrator was just a girl on the precipice of a rude awakening. She didn't understand that cognitive decline in executive function is normal with age and that it would happen to her too in the next decade. She didn't realize that repetition and support was the remedy. I didn't resent her I adapted but not quickly enough. I understood now why my victim said nothing. I realized that every age has it's compensation and that I only looked vulnerable. I am not a victim. I was simply disadvantaged.

I am changing right now because of you. Last week I found myself introducing new concepts to my mind that were far too frightening and dark to be of any use to anyone except in a science fiction novel where the character was troubleshooting death. I opened the link and laid my eyes on the screen and took it in. I was able to examine each slide and simply move on. I later had a very profound and strong reaction to these images and that was the goal. I need to explore those things that my mind will use against me in the final act. I am determined not to fail and I will not proceed with any method that I have not vetted.

I am glad you are all here. I worked in hospice. I would continue living to the age of 116 if I could open mobile euthanasia services. I don't ever want to go to Thanksgiving dinner again but I would love to charter a jet to deliver water to anyone with thirst. Otherwise I am all set and good to go.

 

[it's_all_a_game]

I dealt with extreme rejection & mistreatment, including from my own mom, in 2015. All I had were stories, however, a certain guy was bigoted towards me over my love of a particular work of fiction which led me to being alienated from that as well. It felt as if everyone had abandoned me as an individual, leaving me alone in the world, which led tome becoming far more cynical and sincerely suicidal.

 

[WornOutLife]

1. Hell high school
2. Breaking up with my ex gf
3. Becoming a youtuber and having +50k subs
4. Getting my teaching degree
5. Turning 30

 

[FreeAngel]

My best friend died

 

[Lucien]

Interactions, relationships and events roll off me like water off a duck's back.

I suppose I feel a little rush of adrenaline when I'm in immediate physical danger.

No 'moments' come to mind.

 

[Celerity]

Jesus fucking Christ. You've had a terrible life.

1. My dad threw a hardback book across the room that I had left out and hit me in the face with it, knocking out my front baby teeth. He held me as I cried.
2. My dad tried to whip me with the belt for the first time when I was 6. My older brother woke up and threatened to put my dad in the hospital if he laid a hand on me. He could have made good on that promise because he was 16, and my dad was in his late 40s by that point.
3. My dad told me he didn't care if I ended up as a drug-addicted hooker and that he wished I was dead. I was 11.
4. My best friend got sent to juvenile detention after she attacked her stepmom with a knife. Everyone at school heard the news before me. I didn't hear a peep from her for years. Apparently, people called the house and laughed at the news. When I started crying on the phone, my friend's stepmom asked if I was laughing.
5. My dad told me I should kill myself after getting irritated about my poor mood. I was 19.
6. After months of torment, I finally understood that I was an atheist. Not long after, I accepted that I was attracted to other women and relieved that I wouldn't burn in hell for it.
7. I visited an old jail and was disgusted by the conditions I found inside. I couldn't imagine treating animals that way, much less human beings. The images stick with mr for months after.
8. I am sexually harassed by an older authority figure for the first time. I feel like a gullible idiot.
9. I have my first kiss with a man and am disappointed that I don't feel anything.
10. I look around the room and all these people and realize that, despite the fact that I have accomplished everything I want, I still want to kill myself. Nothing will ever be enough.
11. I start stacking Ambien with alcohol and even progress to chewing it up (would not recommend as it burns). I don't want to be alive anymore, and the Ambien is instant lights out.
12. I almost OD on a combination of Trazadone and Guinness. As my heart fires away like a fucking machine gun, I find myself laughing at the irony that this OD was completely unintended.
13. I am lying in my childhood bed failing to sleep. I accept that I am going to die alone and will never experience romantic love.

 

[Into The Void]

1. dad died
2. brother died
3. lost health
4. Read the book my descent into death by howard storm (the original book) and I became a universalist.
5. Got ego death via bad health which helped me grow.
6. Took psychedelics which helped me understand spirituality.

 

[Crusader]

When I left my home country. Unfortunately I moved to the wrong country.

 

[Rolliewoo]

We talking about specific moments in your life that changed you as a person.

Mine:

1. My mother's death. I was 19 years old. I could not see her in her final days as I was assaulted by my father, and I just couldn't go see her, i was not strong enough. Some family members could not understand this, even while having police, and hospital records of the assault, and while in fact some family members took me to the police station and hospital when it happened. Her funeral was hard to absorb.
   
   
2. The day I had to make the decision to euthanize my dog , it was only a year after my mothers death, that dog was my everything.
   
   
3. I have been involved in court battles with my father, to get his support because I am disabled, it was nasty, when you have to take your own parent to court, because he cant accept you as his child, it is not something that i can describe in words, it made me sick to my stomach. It involves a lot of stress, court battles are brutal.
   
   
4. When neurosurgeon said to my parents that they will have to push a catheter through my neck artery into my heart, this while taking me to theater for a brain operation, I was only 15 years old.
   
   
5. When surgeon came into the operating theater, and told the anesthesiologist to put me to sleep, and deflate my left lung, this to remove four ribs. Exact words "make him sleep, deflate his left lung, we removing 4 ribs, I'll be back". I was laying on a cold operating table with ECK stickers on my chest. I was about 21 years old. It was hard to hear, and there was nothing humane about it. I think this was the cherry on-top of the cake (after years of witnessing extreme domestic violence, and going through major surgeries for my disabilities), after that day I was pretty much numb, and nothing could get to me any-longer.
   
   
6. Went to father house after I received a call that he is suicidal, found him unconscious on my childhood bed, he OD with my mist morphine and amitriptyline. I watched him for 30 minutes, breathing slower and slower, paramedics took 30 minutes to show-up. At this point in life I was already numb, and I did not feel anything while I waited for the paramedics to show-up. I spoke with a very calm voice with 911, so much that I thought I should probably phone them again, and tell them that this man is dying, so I did. He did this on my childhood bed because of grudges against me. He ended up on a ventilator for 7 days, and a private psychiatric clinic for a month.
   
   
7. I also seen my father hit my mother so many times, between the ages 0f 4-18, it is something that also killed me from the inside.
   
   
8. The times that my father told surgeons that I am sensitive to pain, so that they wont see me again, and thus he doesn't have to pay for the consultations, then a cyst in my spinal-cord was found (7 years later), and he could no longer do that .
   
   
9. When I can back from holiday in 2018, and found out my best friend died, I even missed his funeral, it was an 18 year friendship.
   
   
10. Something that also changed my life was all the bodies I that have seen in accident aftermaths on the highway, some of them were really gruesome, body parts scattered all over the road, covered with blankets. It is something you see all the time when you use the highway as much as I do.
    
    despite all of this, i still see my father, i think things are better between us than it ever been before, but far from perfect. i hold no bitterness towards anyone for anything, as it wont be helpful.

My half-brother committed suicide - it did not affect me much, as i never met him. My cousin attempted suicide, me and my x gf found her on a sidewalk, bleeding out, took her to hospital, but some years later she committed suicide. It did not affect me much, I was already dead from the inside.

how about you?

That was hard reading, despite not knowing you my heart hurts for you these are prime examples of what breaks a person. Sending you love

When I left my home country. Unfortunately I moved to the wrong country.

Sorry to hear this. Why was it such a bad move?

You have been through so, so much. Too much for one person to take. I am so incredibly sorry. Life is so unfair, oftentimes to good people who deserve so much better. How horrible.

I could list everything that completely changed me as a person, but I think it would break me. I don't know if I ever will. I've decided nobody needs to hear my story because, in the end, none of it will even matter.

Aww this resonates with me soo deeply. I feel like I'd rather be dead than speak/write the story that broke and changed my life forever. I feel you on this ❤

 

[RedHarlequin]

Doctors and therapists have always told me something along the lines "we'll change the meds, don't give up, it gets better" or not in those direct words but that I have to try harder to get healthy. Same with my loved ones "oh it's just med withdrawal" etc. At some point something clicked in my brain and I realized it was all bullshit and that they were not bad people but that they had no idea what they were talking about. This changed my entire life.

 

[fishtacos4me]

I'm an old fart, so I have many - the ones that stand out the most:

*There are many moments around my daughter. Beautiful moments and traumatic moments. Her coming into my world was beautiful, she almost died a couple of times during childhood though. I have nightmares about those times still. She almost drowned as a teen. It breaks my heart to think of her, trapped at the bottom of a pool, out of air, knowing she was going to die. Giving up and accepting death, feeling her lungs fill with water, just to be pulled out at the very last second. My child went to that brink where I have been and I didn't want her to ever feel that. I'm a grown man and this makes me cry every time I think about it.

*I was given two weeks to live when my daughter was in 2nd grade. I was sent home from the hospital to die. I had to tell my child that I was dying. I planned my funeral. I got my affairs in order. It was a misdiagnosis. I was really sick and in so much pain that it was easy to think I was dying, but I just lived on in pain.

*My home was destroyed in a flood. We barely made it out. Four of my neighbors didn't and they died.

*My car was destroyed in a tornado, with me and my daughter in it. Scary as hell.

*Abusive relationship with a malignant narcissist - 16 years of hellish moments just one after the other - being abused, seeing my kid abused, not being able to stop it

*I was molested when I was five. That's not unusual in our culture, but what I found hardest was not what was done to my body but what was done to my head. He twisted my little brain around until I was convinced it was all my fault and that I was simply a very bad person. I was such a bad person that I made good people do horrible things. Now I've lived an entire life not being able to ever initiate sex because it makes me feel like a filthy rapist forcing myself on the person. My poor wife is in a sexless marriage with me - and she's hot and deserves someone who can show her just how desirable she is. The thought of sex makes my stomach tie itself in a knot sometimes.

* The worst day of my adult life - my daughter ended up homeless. I was encouraged by my therapist to not let my daughter stay with me. I thought my wife expected this of me, too. So when my daughter came to see me and tell me what happened, I told her she could not stay with me. I put her out when she had no where to go. I cried for hours afterward. Then I found out that my wife had probably not expected me to do that. I didn't have to do that at all. I wish I had not done that. I would do anything to take it back. I am so so sorry.

*pain - just physical pain - not a moment, but so long, so many years. I hurt and hurt. I've had chronic pain for years, then last August I ruptured my Achilles tendon. I tore it 75% of the way across, so not clear through, but painful. I had Kaiser insurance - huge mistake. The physical therapist said I needed 12 visits to start with, and then we would reassess, but Kaiser denied me medical care. After a couple of months of fighting with them I got three half hour sessions with a physical therapist. That's it. Now I struggle to walk. I live on the third floor with no elevator and stairs are hard and painful. I can't be on my feet for long so now there are so many jobs I can't do anymore. I went from riding a unicycle to not being able to walk through the grocery store. Kaiser sucks. They will leave you disabled if it will save them a dollar. If I could afford it, I would sue them, but I'm poor., I work six days a week and I really need to find a second job because I don't make enough.

*being bullied throughout my childhood school career - if I had it to do over again, I would be the most violent child ever. I would have made them wish they never laid eyes on me. I would have stopped them day one. I now know that they don't send 8 year olds to prison and that I could have gotten away with so much. (Jimmy, JD, come at me now f**kers. I'll make you wish I had killed you in fourth grade.) At the time however, I did nothing at all. I believed they were right about the horrible things they said to me, so how could I argue with them? How can you fight the truth? I was a fat, ugly, awkward, disgusting, bothersome, lazy, stupid child. I was a problem to everyone. So I just listened to the bullies and didn't fight back. I just took it all in. That stuff sure leaves a mark on a person though. I'm 51 years old and still fighting against what I encountered in elementary school.

*poverty - just growing up poor does things to a person. Such as when you qualify for free lunch at school but you get picked on for being poor and are too embarrassed to turn in the financial form so you just don't eat at school. The cheapest thing in our cafeteria was a package of cookies for 50 cents. I stole 50 cents a couple of times so I could buy them. I got caught too, so then I was bad again - I was branded a thief on top of all the other things - just because I was hungry and didn't want to get beat up.

*having my dog euthanized - if you've never had to do this - let me explain: dog gets to lay comfy on its favorite bed, be surrounded by loved ones, and be petted and loved on. They will usually put a port in the dogs front leg, it's like an IV. The vet starts to inject the med into the port and the dog goes limp and passes out before the injection is even finished. A few seconds later the injection is done, dogs heart has stopped. It's over. it's so effing quick that it'll make your head spin. The dog doesn't suffer. There is no choking, no blood, no panic, no vomiting, nothing but almost instant peace. Literally over in about 4 or 5 seconds. It's disgusting that we don't do this for humans. There is no excuse for humans to have to suffer like we do when we could do this instead. I miss my dog so much, but I'm glad I gave her this way out. She deserved such a peaceful end. I just wish I had the same luxury.

 

[Fizz]

Taking that job led to this depression. I'm out of there now, but it got its poison in me before I left. I wish I knew the antidote.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think for me, it was when I started to get various health problems, like last year when my tinnitus was at its worse. It made my lifelong mild depression into something much worse and I began to feel like my body was a prison.

 

[Horsey Brown Panda]

1 My best friend accused me of stealing around 1200€, not wanting to assume his responsabilities. Despite the poorly made lie, my parents trust him instead of me. Insulting me continuously for several hours. I was 14 and lost trust in anyone.

2. A good friend of mine managed to destroy my couple to hit on my gf. I then after realized he did this with my ex too and that he ruined my last 2 couples. I loose all common friends with him, basically all friends.

3. Realized my whole family is antivaxx and complotist. :/

4. Had a depression following the events of my 14th year and tried to hang a few times after. Managing to get over it but now it's just coming back 10 times stronger

 

[S like suicide]

Oh my God!!!very heavy things you had to endure for me
it was my first depressive crisis.
From that moment my life went out

 

[WaterHemlock]

These stories are all so sad, I am very sorry for all your suffering.
I've also had a lot of sad stories but I'll tell a few good ones. Well, I'm focusing on the good parts that changed me and my life.

I was at a mall with several 'friends' when I was thirteen. This was a shoplifting expedition. They'd walked away for a minute and an older woman came up to me and said 'you're a good person, you're not like them.'
I laughed at that lady but the words caught in my soul and grew. Theses girls went on to bigger and better crimes. I didn't join them when they started heroin. I don't know how much credit to give the lady for that but I am thankful, because I've seen so many people not survive that.

A few years earlier I was walking home from school and a kid started beating me and throwing me down some city steps. Another kid who'd also done his share of tormenting me stopped him. He said, 'i know she's a Fungus (that's what they called me) but she doesn't deserve to be treated like this.'

I'm a good person. I don't deserve to be abused. These were new and big concepts to me. No matter what, they made a difference in my life.

 

[lanax09]

-when my mother discovered the eleven plus entrance exams. from then, fun was over
-being 11 and being at the bus stop with my grandma crying after a terrible day at school and thinking about suicide and for the first time realising that I would like that
-an argument i had with my parents when I was 12 that really showed me what horrible, horrible people they were

 

[avoid_slow_death]

A lot of things. Almost feel like my life is one overlapping horrible event after another. Here's a few major ones:

-Was told by my father at age 11 that he should have had my mom abort me because then he would have had a better life.

-The physical violence inflicted by him. He actually has punched me in the face really hard and knocked me out, pushed me into a wall hard enough to cave it in, kicked me across my room, etc.

-Far worse was the constant barrage of comments about how worthless I was and always would be no matter what. I know he resented my existence as a barrier to the life he wanted. Made that pretty fucking clear.

-My mom's passing 5 years ago. We hadn't spoken in a year and when I saw her she could not respond properly. She reached out weakly when she saw me and tried to say something, but it just came out as weak groans and mumbles. I still to this day wonder what she wanted to tell me. Oh, and I was the last person to be with her before she passed. She was the person I admired more than anyone.

-My recent relationship. Most amazing person I had ever been with and it was great fir a while, but, her mother had other ideas and, without going into detail, she basically brought the ex husband into the picture and things got really crazy from there. We both fought hard to stay together and make things work for us, but the constant outside pressure on both of us caused a lot of fights that ended in a very hard breakup that really messed both of us up badly. I literally sacrificed everything in my life to be with her and now I am alone, almost broke, literally lost almost every possession I owned and have to go back to a place I never wanted to go back to. Oh, yeah, and my purpose in life is also gone now. No, cannot get a new purpose because the one I lost was a lifelong goal, so yeah, not doing that shit again just to fail.

There's more, but those are some major points.

Edit: Oh, one more. My dad literally almost strangled me to death with his hands. Had finger marks around my neck for three days and swallowing hurt like hell.