Venting moments i lived since the day i was supposed to die

[dinosavr]

A day after I was supposed to be dead, I've decided I'd be taking random videos of any moments that felt somewhat special or just beautiful or iconic. I have a bunch of them now and I've put them in a compilation with some nostalgic music lol. We can safely assume that these were the best moments of the year. They included the sea, a concert, my family's pets, road trips, etc = they were objectively good experiences.
And I thought making this video would make me feel better, like, okay, life actually might be beautiful, at least sometimes. Buuuuut it's not what happened. Instead, I feel like I'm wasting my time, money and energy on stuff that doesn't even make me happy anymore. Oh good a picnic by the sea with seagulls flying over the horizon and the sunset. Great :) But I look at it and I feel nothing. It could just as well be regular clouded sky, with no birds, no sea, whatsoever.

Life is N O T worth living. This tiny tiny second of feeling good or grateful doesn't make all this pain disappear. I still have to struggle every single day of my life. And if I had minimal joy out of that, I'd be able to get through it. But I'm so not. I'm so tired already. Please make it stop or prove me wrong or whatever. I don't know, I don't have a single fucking clue what I should do :( There's a limit on how long you can wait for a miracle to happen.

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't think I can prove you wrong. The issue is that we use this word "happiness" when that's not what we need. We need fulfillment. It's where the hedonists run into trouble. Simply adding moments of good feelings against moments of struggle will never add up. We need something more. If I find out what exactly that is I'll let you know.

 

[Relic]

We need fulfillment.

At that point there would be nothing left to live for. Chasing the high is what keeps people going. The problem is, many people are not in a position to pick and choose, they are slaves to society, in one way or another. They keep it running. Even people in the highest positions are just tools, allowed to live the life they want, as long as they walk the line. "Fulfillment" basically equals "nothing left to lose", and people in that position are considered dangerous. What else is there, freedom is a concept that means different things to different people, but for the most part, it's just an illusion. People who have had difficult lives mostly either concentrate on the task at hand, or just relive the few happy moments they have had, over and over again, when idle.

 

[derpyderpins]

At that point there would be nothing left to live for. Chasing the high is what keeps people going. The problem is, many people are not in a position to pick and choose, they are slaves to society, in one way or another. They keep it running. Even people in the highest positions are just tools, allowed to live the life they want, as long as they walk the line. "Fulfillment" basically equals "nothing left to lose", and people in that position are considered dangerous. What else is there, freedom is a concept that means different things to different people, but for the most part, it's just an illusion. People who have had difficult lives mostly either concentrate on the task at hand, or just relive the few happy moments they have had, over and over again, when idle.

That's a very good point. Not "fulfillment," but a goal of fulfillment to work towards. Absolutely true.

 

[Relic]

Not "fulfillment," but a goal of fulfillment to work towards.

That takes quite a bit of aggression. Melancholy, for example, is incompatible with that. Hormonal therapy is a double-edged sword, but with a good doctor, there is a possibility to get the blood work done and adjust as necessary. And then, there will be a lot of bodies to climb over, figuratively (hopefully). There will be a fight to get something someone else wants, making many enemies along the way, and turning friends into opportunistic orbiters. It will be lonely up there, because everything in life comes at the expense of something else. I have witnessed people change on the way to the "next level", radically, and not for the better.

 

[derpyderpins]

That takes quite a bit of aggression. Melancholy, for example, is incompatible with that. Hormonal therapy is a double-edged sword, but with a good doctor, there is a possibility to get the blood work done and adjust as necessary. And then, there will be a lot of bodies to climb over, figuratively (hopefully). There will be a fight to get something someone else wants, making many enemies along the way, and turning friends into opportunistic orbiters. It will be lonely up there, because everything in life comes at the expense of something else. I have witnessed people change on the way to the "next level", radically, and not for the better.

It would be nice if the purpose being sought could be internal rather than something materialistic or otherwise in limited supply. Mastery of a craft or understanding of a subject, for example. I know people here don't like it but historically it has been raising offspring.

 

[nyul]

I understand this on such a deep level. I feel like this could have been written by me. While I haven't captured my "memorable" or "nice" moments since the time I could have exited, I have taken mental note of them. And I feel the same disconnect. Like, okay. Here are some beautiful colors and boisterous laughs and major successes but what do you know? It means nothing to me. I find myself yearning for termination even on my best days and I really don't know how to reconcile with that. Recently I've been seeing it as my mind just having these habits of SI and anhedonia and acting opposite of how I feel. "Oh, any attempts at feeling better are useless? Well guess what motherfucker, we're going on a run anyway!" Things like that. I'm hoping that even if my life remains empty, at least I can say I tried when all is said and done.

 

[Relic]

It would be nice if the purpose being sought could be internal rather than something materialistic or otherwise in limited supply. Mastery of a craft or understanding of a subject, for example. I know people here don't like it but historically it has been raising offspring.

Generally, it is very difficult to get one without the other. To fix the internal issues, there is a need to change the environment, among other things. This, and everything else can take a lot of resources, we are controlled by everything material. Resources are the missing link that allows someone to concentrate on themselves and their families. After obtaining the necessary, there will be a fight for freedom, while still getting the required support from the rest of society, all the services that someone has gotten used to having. Kind of like the elites. Access to resources and specific people can change a lot. Not for everyone, there are issues that can't be fixed, but there are many who would adapt and find the new issues that come with the position, tolerable.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

It's interesting that you experimented that because I've made some experiences of my own, of tracking my mood daily and then looking back. I can see I had good days, days I marked as good, however if I think back about my month I just feel like it was bad. Living those objectively good experiences doesn't feel like enough.

I think @derpyderpins phrased it well, the need of fulfillment, something else that is missing. Good moments alone don't do much against the bad moments. I feel like I lack a purpose, a reason to keep going. What do I want? What do I need?