Story Mom Stopped Saying “I love you”

[almaranthine]

Recently, I noticed my mom stopped responding when I tell her I love her. If I'm on the phone, and I say, "I love you, goodbye" she merely tells me, "bye." When she's going to bed and I say, "I love you, goodnight," she simply shuts the door and goes to bed. We didn't get in some kind of fight or anything. I truly believe she legitimately does not love me and feels better not to lie. This means I really have no one in this entire goddamn world that loves or cares about me, not even the woman that brought me into it. I don't know how to come back from this; it's a crushing sentiment to carry inside.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Hmm. You can't know why unless she tells you.

Does she have good communication skills? Does she communicate about her emotions or problems? Does she say when she has a problem about something, either on her own or when asked?

Can you directly ask her? Or can you indirectly ask, maybe leave her a note? Something like:

Mom,

I noticed you have stop saying I love you to me when I say it to you. Would you be willing to tell me why? I don't know why, and I'm making up all sorts of reasons for it, but I can't know unless you tell me. I hope you will.

 

[Stick]

I stopped doing that to my Mom once, but it was just an accident. I did still love her, I just stopped the habit.

Hmm. You can't know why unless she tells you.

Does she have good communication skills? Does she communicate about her emotions or problems? Does she say when she has a problem about something, either on her own or when asked?

Can you directly ask her? Or can you indirectly ask, maybe leave her a note? Something like:

Mom,

I noticed you have stop saying I love you to me when I say it to you. Would you be willing to tell me why? I don't know why, and I'm making up all sorts of reasons for it, but I can't know unless you tell me. I hope you will.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. It can be easy to jump to conclusions but you are hurting for a reason that may be imagined. We want you to find relief.

 

[almaranthine]

I mean in the past when she's been mad about something, she has made it clear by letting me have it and then giving me the silent treatment for a while. She's never acted completely normal and used "I love you" as a way to get in my head or make a point. She professes to be a Christian so isn't normally outwardly vindictive like that, hence my concern.

 

[Meditation guide]

Recently, I noticed my mom stopped responding when I tell her I love her. If I'm on the phone, and I say, "I love you, goodbye" she merely tells me, "bye." When she's going to bed and I say, "I love you, goodnight," she simply shuts the door and goes to bed. We didn't get in some kind of fight or anything. I truly believe she legitimately does not love me and feels better not to lie. This means I really have no one in this entire goddamn world that loves or cares about me, not even the woman that brought me into it. I don't know how to come back from this; it's a crushing sentiment to carry inside.

I know how painful that is. She might not. Yes it is crushing and I feel for you. I had it happen too.

 

[almaranthine]

I stopped doing that to my Mom once, but it was just an accident. I did still love her, I just stopped the habit.

I agree with GoodPersonEffed. It can be easy to jump to conclusions but you are hurting for a reason that may be imagined. We want you to find relief.

Thank you. I do want to bring it up... but things turn into a fight so easily with her. I try to keep conversations as light and boring as possible. She has thrown me out of her house in anger many times for inconsequential and ridiculous things. I have no significant other, friends, or family to go to if she forces me out this time so I really try to say as little as possible. I tried to look for apartments, but I have bad credit and do not make enough money to pass the "3x the rent" requirement. Currently don't even have a car to live out of so I stay very, very quiet.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I just reread your thread from April, I thought you may have written about her before. Sorry if this offends, but, ugh! Your mom is so controlling and unreasonable! I can understand you not wanting to bring it up with her, you already have to tiptoe -- you brush your hair too loudly! I laugh and I cringe. She's so ridiculously over the top. Laughing helps me release the pressure valve and tension. And man, what a lot of tension.

Still, you can't know for certain that it has to do with you, even though it's being directed at you. If she has other people in her life, she may have had a fallout with someone and has decided to not say I love you to anyone. Or it could be that she's passive-aggressively punishing you for something. Stonewalling/going silent is most definitely passive-aggressive.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and sending a warm hug that is reusable, available on demand, and never wears out.

 

[almaranthine]

I just reread your thread from April, I thought you may have written about her before. Sorry if this offends, but, ugh! Your mom is so controlling and unreasonable! I can understand you not wanting to bring it up with her, you already have to tiptoe -- you brush your hair too loudly! I laugh and I cringe. She's so ridiculously over the top. Laughing helps me release the pressure valve and tension. And man, what a lot of tension.

Still, you can't know for certain that it has to do with you, even though it's being directed at you. If she has other people in her life, she may have had a fallout with someone and has decided to not say I love you to anyone. Or it could be that she's passive-aggressively punishing you for something. Stonewalling/going silent is most definitely passive-aggressive.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this and sending a warm hug that is reusable, available on demand, and never wears out.

Omg! I can't believe you remember! I recall writing that post. I had my hair in this sad bun knot and hadn't brushed it for about 5 days because I was so pissed about having to "go outside". Felt like a fucking animal or slave or something. Today my mom lost it because she found out that I used her bathroom. This is kind of funny, but mostly fucked up, but I can't flush the toilet at night in her house; she claims it wakes her up at night because her bedroom wall is adjacent to the garage where the hot water heater is. Nevertheless, I've psychotically trained myself not to flush at night but sometimes forget during the day now. So I took a shit in her bathroom and didn't flush and she blew up my phone at work telling me to never use her bathroom again. lmao. I did actually smile about that. I really do wish I had other options. Unfortunately it is just so completely unaffordable to live alone anymore, especially with bad credit. I am so reluctant to trust anyone to be a roommate with. I've been screwed over so many times... irreplaceable items trashed and repo'd. Can't even begin to attempt to take a chance on someone again. People fucking scare me lol

 

[whywere]

Your mom loves you and she might be in a tough spot right now. Never hurts to ask for some time sit down and have a nice heartfelt talk. you might be very surprized. I am sorry but I can not relate anymore than that becasue i was a "mistake" and my "parents " both called me that till 18 and I was kicked out. You are a warm, caring person with a huge heart and a talk with your mom might bring you two to a closer bond. I envy you to have such a nice mom. As a sanctioned suicide global family member you have all of us for support and I wish you all the best and love in the world. Love and peace to you friend!

 

[Smudgedlines]

If she's a not very nice person she might be doing it on purpose to provoke a reaction from you or doing it deliberately As she knows it will be getting to you. Stop looking for the reassurance if this could be the case.

or maybe she's going through a bad time with something else.

 

[yep]

I am going to suggest what others have said, you need to talk to her. It is very difficult at first, but just being upfront with her will help in the long run. The biggest struggle is to have an opened mind, when you ask she may blow up on you and just tear you apart, but validating her feelings and then expressing your Own will help you clear the water a little. Don't be like me MAKE sure to get your side out as well, or else you just hold on to things and hurt more.

 

[Meditation guide]

I suspect trying to talk to her about this isn't something you would be able to do if your situation is anything like mine was.

Usually if someone can't say I love you they don't want to talk about that. Not saying it when they said it before pretty much says it all.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

So I took a shit in her bathroom

When I got to that, I laughed out loud and I snorted!

 

[Done at Fifty]

Its not uncommon for a parent to stop loving a child. In the animal world its normal, especially with cats, for animals to push away their young at some point. As part of our survival instinct, we tell ourselves bs that family have to love us. They can stop loving us as much as a friend could. I think its good that you're mother is being honest, if that is the case. The less people who love you the more prepared they'll be for your death.

If you have been telling people that you're suicidal, she may be having a normal human reaction to protect herself emotionally by pushing you away and she may not be conscious that she's doing it. I've heard of two funerals now for people who ctb after a lengthy time threatening to ctb and in both cases, many didn't show up and those who did didn't cry. Over the years they probably prepared themselves for their friend/relatives ultimate death by suicide. Just human nature.

 

[woxihuanni]

I'd give the opposite advice: Don't talk to her, erase her off as a broken mind that is incapable of decent human feeling. Work hard despite everything to get away from her. And don't give up on love or life until you've sought it outside of birth family.

This is because I don't observe that there is anyone to talk to in there.

 

[RC90]

Same as mine, she said she can't deal with me being mentally sick. My dad told me to jump of a bridge and just get it done. You're not alone.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

Shared.lots of similarities with the OP while I was growing up back in the day. Delete the comment about forgetting to flush the toilet and noises caused from brushing my hair too loudly, and it would be as if I wrote the this tread myself. But, I'm middle aged now, and to have gotten away from this type of seemingly passive agressive behavior (clearly passive agressive behavior on the part of my mom) was a remarkable breath of fresh air!

When you're being suffocated, stressed out, and walking on egg shells 24/7, particularly when the catalysts for these feelings is in a "dominate" position, can make it impossible to fully grasp how truly liberating ultimately breaking away from this situation could feel - at least it was for me.

Internet and SS wasn't around when I was younger and in your seemingly identical situation, so I have no idea what I would have done had it been so. But, to ultimately escape from this type of stuff, in long run, felt awesome. Hopefully, you can figure out how to make this happen for yourself in the not too distant future.

Good luck.

 

[Meditation guide]

But, to ultimately escape from this type of stuff, in long run, felt awesome.

I too remember when I moved out and felt liberated and free finally. I remember looking around at people who sat and chatted every evening in a pleasant way, and being amazed. I had never experienced that.

I agree that getting away from an abusive environment is a fantastic experience.

 

[almaranthine]

hey ya'll, just wanted to drop this little anecdote: I did escape and own my own apartment at one point in time. This was a few years ago. On one hand, it was so liberating and wonderful... I could paint on the kitchen floor with the lights on at 3am and no one had a problem with it. On the other hand, it was a deep financial burden.

This was back when I was just starting off and didn't have bad credit and also enjoyed family/friends giving/loaning me money to pay my bills as well as my university offering me grants and loans, the loans of which I was able to use freely to pay for my housing. I remember that time in my life so vividly. I was genuinely in love, fulfilled by this relationship, submerged in my studies, and holding it all together with two jobs, yet I was completely distraught. I will never forget the tears welling in my eyes as I solemnly counted the cash my lover/friend had offered me one night, insisting I double check the amount. I can't just disregard the many memories I have of collecting bills from my mailbox and slowly walking back to my apartment crying.

Point is, living alone, living with a roommate or family, it's all hard. Each situation has its different pains and challenges. If you live with a man/woman you love, mind, body, soul- it's different. Every sacrifice is made with conviction and trust, and every challenge is faced believing your shared love will surmount it. Honestly, I trust that love is the only thing that keeps us human beings inching along... the promise of it/ the ideal of it, or alternatively, the completing yet demanding reality of it... it's the only beautiful, abstract thing we flawed creatures can create with our emotions... and I really can't see life drawing us in, capturing us, without the allure of real love.

anyways, most people suck and some times even your own parents use you for money.

 

[Chupacabra 44]

The never ending cycle of each provessive generation having it way harder financially than the prior generation absolutely sucks! Something has to change, because it's a complete joke for today's younger people

Sending you positive thoughts concerning the successful resolution of your financial difficulties.

Take care.

 

[grungeCat]

I'm sorry your relationship with mother worsened... me and my mom also had worse days. However if you think mom is very important in your life then I'm sure she knows it and loves you back. She might be powerless about all the bad things happening to you and she just doesn't know how to react... I know it will sound like some pro-lifer bullsh*t but... do you think you can persuade her to go together to family psychotherapy? I know it may look like a bad idea but psychologists are specialized for tackling these types of problems. It has a chance to work out, especially if you had a good relationship in the past. I encourage you to think through.

 

[scorpiooo2]

My mother stopped telling me "I love you" a while back, all she really has to say recently is how much of a fuckup I am.

I hope your relationship with your mother gets better, it really feels like shit knowing your own mother doesn't love you enough to say it.

Good Luck <3