The Schizoid
Specialist
- Oct 24, 2023
- 308
I feel in some ways healthy. I've barely drank any alcohol in 8 years, thinking that if I am not willing to keep myself healthy, then I do not have any right to complain about depression.
But I've not drank any caffeine, no regular alcohol for years, never smoked or did rec drugs, no regular medications. I've even at times given up TV/Video games for years to try to become more zen and meditate and be in the present moment. At times this has helped me, but every so often I wake up and my symptoms are worse. Things that used to make me feel better make me feel worse. Exercise now induces panic attacks in me, so I can barely exercise anymore for relief.
Went to a CBTherapist and a psychologist, they couldn't give me any real answers, and I think it's because I function so well, they don't know what to do with me.
For some reason, orgasm started to make feel like shit after rather than better. It's like there's a problem with my brain turning everything that should be pleasurable and happy into shit. If I try to stimulate myself with music, TV, exercise or basically anything that would normally positively emotionally stimulate me, it just stimulates feelings of depression and anxiety. Stimulation of any kind seems to just trigger depression and anxiety feelings. Like it's the only thing my brain wants me to feel.
I have been able to function fine for years, although recently have been signed off work for the first time in years because these issues are taking their physical toll on me. They're starting to make me physically ill.
No matter how healthy I live I'm deteriorating and I don't know why. I have no trauma that i'm aware of from my past.
For several years I've taken little to no satisfaction from life, even though I've been healthy and functioning ok. It's just a blank space. An almost constant unease and dullness that overshadows everything. I was in my mid 20's when it all started out of nowhere, and I hoped that enough effort would have resolved it all, but it hasn't.
I don't understand. There are people who have taken a lot less care of themselves who are happy. It's one of those issues that there's no explanation for.
I've also had blood tests done to try and rule out dietary issues or anything and no answers. According to the docs I'm fine.
TL;DR - Moderate depression, anxiety, ADHD and possible SZPD have fucked with my life. No professional is helped. I've got a few more things I can try, but if they don't work, my face is eating concrete or a train. A few more medical treatments to help complete a process of elimination, and maybe another psychologist, but that's it.
If these things don't work, then I'm dying, mostly likely by train. Sorry future train driver, but I have no guns or SN in my country, and hanging sounds too difficult and risky.
Jumping or train. I just need to find a good spot to access a train track with a high speed train. I think I will take a bunch of trains to places and monitor the near by environment. I've seen so many videos with high speed trains that are easily accessible.
But I've not drank any caffeine, no regular alcohol for years, never smoked or did rec drugs, no regular medications. I've even at times given up TV/Video games for years to try to become more zen and meditate and be in the present moment. At times this has helped me, but every so often I wake up and my symptoms are worse. Things that used to make me feel better make me feel worse. Exercise now induces panic attacks in me, so I can barely exercise anymore for relief.
Went to a CBTherapist and a psychologist, they couldn't give me any real answers, and I think it's because I function so well, they don't know what to do with me.
For some reason, orgasm started to make feel like shit after rather than better. It's like there's a problem with my brain turning everything that should be pleasurable and happy into shit. If I try to stimulate myself with music, TV, exercise or basically anything that would normally positively emotionally stimulate me, it just stimulates feelings of depression and anxiety. Stimulation of any kind seems to just trigger depression and anxiety feelings. Like it's the only thing my brain wants me to feel.
I have been able to function fine for years, although recently have been signed off work for the first time in years because these issues are taking their physical toll on me. They're starting to make me physically ill.
No matter how healthy I live I'm deteriorating and I don't know why. I have no trauma that i'm aware of from my past.
For several years I've taken little to no satisfaction from life, even though I've been healthy and functioning ok. It's just a blank space. An almost constant unease and dullness that overshadows everything. I was in my mid 20's when it all started out of nowhere, and I hoped that enough effort would have resolved it all, but it hasn't.
I don't understand. There are people who have taken a lot less care of themselves who are happy. It's one of those issues that there's no explanation for.
I've also had blood tests done to try and rule out dietary issues or anything and no answers. According to the docs I'm fine.
TL;DR - Moderate depression, anxiety, ADHD and possible SZPD have fucked with my life. No professional is helped. I've got a few more things I can try, but if they don't work, my face is eating concrete or a train. A few more medical treatments to help complete a process of elimination, and maybe another psychologist, but that's it.
If these things don't work, then I'm dying, mostly likely by train. Sorry future train driver, but I have no guns or SN in my country, and hanging sounds too difficult and risky.
Jumping or train. I just need to find a good spot to access a train track with a high speed train. I think I will take a bunch of trains to places and monitor the near by environment. I've seen so many videos with high speed trains that are easily accessible.
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