I have decidedly mixed feelings about non-existence and it's one of the few things stopping me from CTB.
On the one hand, I'm in constant pain. And I just want the pain to go away more than anything. It is excruciating and it haunts every second of every day. I have to fight to get through every moment and it is tiring. And when I look at the clock during the day all I can do is hope that it's time to go to sleep and I'm disappointed when only a few hours have passed since I woke up.
When I'm asleep is the only moment of my day where I feel okay because... well, I usually don't feel anything at all. And I look forward to going to sleep every day. I just mostly wish I could sleep longer so I wouldn't be awake so much.
So it's clear from that that I crave non-existence desperately. I want to not be able to feel and to think so I don't have to be in constant, endless, excruciating pain anymore.
On the other hand, I'm scared of it. The idea of just not existing anymore. Of saying goodbye to everything including myself. Including my memories. To just being able to know what happens afterwards. A decision that can never be changed... it frightens me.
Like part of me just wants to know what'll happen afterwards. Who will find my body? How will they react? How will my previous girlfriend react? How will my third girlfriend react if she ever finds out? How will my first girlfriend react if she ever finds out? I know that none of this is relevant to me anymore after I'm gone, but it's relevant to me right now.
To some extent I know that's irrational. I feel that way now, but I know that I won't feel that way after it's actually over. Because I won't be around to feel anything at all.
But it still bothers me. It still stops me from going through with it. Even though... it's silly. Because all I'm doing for myself is prolonging my suffering for no reason.
It's frustrating. It's a conflict between my rational self who knows that killing myself is the right decision, and my emotional self who's just scared of not existing anymore.
This is probably the number one reason why I sometimes wish I had just never been born. If you never exist at all then you don't have to deal with all of this. Only people who exist can be scared of non-existence and have to confront it. I don't always wish this because there are certain things in life I was happy to be alive to have been part of. Not many, to be clear. But those moments did exist. Most prominently, I was very happy to have had the time I had with my previous girlfriend. She was worth living for. But now I just wish I could die without fearing that non-existence.
I've been slowly getting better at coming to terms with my death. But it's a slow process. And I still go back and forth a lot. Some days I'm very certain about doing it and almost ready to. Other days I feel terrified and like maybe I shouldn't do it after all (though even in those moments I know underneat it all that I should and that's just the fear talking).
I guess I just hope it gets better. Not my emotional state or my life. I mean, I would love for everything to work out well for me but that seems like a huge reach. I'm fairly certain those are both damaged completely beyond any repair. But I hope my fear of non-existence gets better so that I can finally, finally do this.
I want to finally rest.
On the one hand, I'm in constant pain. And I just want the pain to go away more than anything. It is excruciating and it haunts every second of every day. I have to fight to get through every moment and it is tiring. And when I look at the clock during the day all I can do is hope that it's time to go to sleep and I'm disappointed when only a few hours have passed since I woke up.
When I'm asleep is the only moment of my day where I feel okay because... well, I usually don't feel anything at all. And I look forward to going to sleep every day. I just mostly wish I could sleep longer so I wouldn't be awake so much.
So it's clear from that that I crave non-existence desperately. I want to not be able to feel and to think so I don't have to be in constant, endless, excruciating pain anymore.
On the other hand, I'm scared of it. The idea of just not existing anymore. Of saying goodbye to everything including myself. Including my memories. To just being able to know what happens afterwards. A decision that can never be changed... it frightens me.
Like part of me just wants to know what'll happen afterwards. Who will find my body? How will they react? How will my previous girlfriend react? How will my third girlfriend react if she ever finds out? How will my first girlfriend react if she ever finds out? I know that none of this is relevant to me anymore after I'm gone, but it's relevant to me right now.
To some extent I know that's irrational. I feel that way now, but I know that I won't feel that way after it's actually over. Because I won't be around to feel anything at all.
But it still bothers me. It still stops me from going through with it. Even though... it's silly. Because all I'm doing for myself is prolonging my suffering for no reason.
It's frustrating. It's a conflict between my rational self who knows that killing myself is the right decision, and my emotional self who's just scared of not existing anymore.
This is probably the number one reason why I sometimes wish I had just never been born. If you never exist at all then you don't have to deal with all of this. Only people who exist can be scared of non-existence and have to confront it. I don't always wish this because there are certain things in life I was happy to be alive to have been part of. Not many, to be clear. But those moments did exist. Most prominently, I was very happy to have had the time I had with my previous girlfriend. She was worth living for. But now I just wish I could die without fearing that non-existence.
I've been slowly getting better at coming to terms with my death. But it's a slow process. And I still go back and forth a lot. Some days I'm very certain about doing it and almost ready to. Other days I feel terrified and like maybe I shouldn't do it after all (though even in those moments I know underneat it all that I should and that's just the fear talking).
I guess I just hope it gets better. Not my emotional state or my life. I mean, I would love for everything to work out well for me but that seems like a huge reach. I'm fairly certain those are both damaged completely beyond any repair. But I hope my fear of non-existence gets better so that I can finally, finally do this.
I want to finally rest.
