Discussion Mistakes do-gooders make when speaking to suicidal people .

[MeltingBrain]

The intent of this write-up is not to slam people who speak to suicidal people . I genuinly believe most of them are good people . It's rather to make them realize some of the mistakes they make which end up back-firing and making the person feel worse about themself .
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1. Downplay genuine grievances.

Aggrieved - "Hey I suffer from ____ illness which really makes it hard for me to do, day to day activities"
Do-gooder - "That's it right. There are kids in Africa who are dying . Everybody has problems in life "

It makes the aggrieved person feels worse as it's his lack of effort that is implied as the reason why he can't come out of his situation . It makes him feel although he is making a big fuss of nothing noteworthy .

2. Toxic positivity (False balance) .

*Guy facing serious issues gives a lengthy list of how f-ed his situation is . *
*Do-gooder just focusses on the positives 90% of the time, deliberately excluding all the negatives*

The aggrieved person knows exactly how deep in the water he is , you not recognizing his struggle makes him realize that you are pushing an agenda instead of truly trying to give an objective opinion .

3. Silent treatment (Technique employed to achieve false balance)

Aggrieved - "Hey I suffer from ____ illness which really makes it hard for me to do, day to day activities"
Do-gooder - *Says nothing*
* Conversation shifts to something positive , do-gooder suddenly has a lot to say*

4. Sugget solutions which don't work .

Aggrieved - "I have cancer"
Do-gooder - "Get some sunshine"
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A note in favour of suggestion givers . Some of these tactics could work if you have more solvable problems eg. If you have common cold, getting some sunshine is a good idea . If you have common cold the balance is very much towards having more hope than despair .

What do you guys think ? Any more additions or critique is welcome .

 

[WoNkEy_DoNkEy]

Ask the fixers who are trying to bring sasu down given that they all lost loved ones to suicide and some on here have suggested they were a part of that problem

 

[Ash’Girl]

Or they tell you "everything happens for a reason".

Or "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". No, what didn't (yet) kill me gave me complex ptsd, major depressive disorder and massive amounts of anxiety but eh, thanks for suggesting trauma should be viewed as character building.

Toxic positivity can eat my ass.

"It gets better, you'll get through this". Eh, even if it does get better it probably won't STAY better. I speak from experience. Bite me.

I dunno. People are full of it, but it's very dependent on THEIR world view with no room for anything but reasons why "life is precious and beautiful". It may be for some - for others it's and endless Groundhog Day of apathy and/or pain. Gave it a go. 100% do not recommend.

 

[etherealgoddess]

I used to visit this site when I was feeling good and wanted to help people, but I think I came across as overly positive in a way that may have been harmful. So thank you for this. I feel bad for doing the silent treatment (as described in the post) because I didn't realize that people here have chronic illnesses.

What I summarize from this is that instead of seeking quick, direct solutions ("why are you complaining? just do xyz"), it is more effective to take a personalized approach in order to make someone feel understood and listened to. When someone dismisses and invalidates people's issues, it hurts them and makes them less likely to listen to what the positive person is suggesting. Validating emotions helps people feel understood before guiding them through challenging thought patterns.

Ask the fixers who are trying to bring sasu down given that they all lost loved ones to suicide and some on here have suggested they were a part of that problem

I also think that bringing down this site is retarded lol. It won't make anyone less suicidal. What's a better place to find people to help than a suicide discussion website if you really want to help others? If you want to help people, this is the BEST spot.

 

[ClaudeCTTE]

I don't even bother telling them about my problems because I know they don't have a solution.

Where I live, it's common for people to say things like:

"Just tough it out"
"You're just insecure"
"Men don't cry"
"Well, that's just how things are around here"
"Be grateful for what you have"
"You need to learn to live life"
"I suffer too but I push through"
"Get a life"
"You need to socialize more."
"You need to live more experiences."
"Try harder"

and the worst part is if you ignore them, they start talking about you behind your back, calling you "useless", "stupid", or "weak"...

Another foolishness I see a lot where I live is that there are people who believe that children should be disciplined with physical punishment so that they grow up to be "strong adults". And this belief is passed down through generations because there are people who have experienced physical abuse in their childhood and still think it's the right thing to do...

 

[MeltingBrain]

I used to visit this site when I was feeling good and wanted to help people, but I think I came across as overly positive in a way that may have been harmful. So thank you for this. I feel bad for doing the silent treatment (as described in the post) because I didn't realize that people here have chronic illnesses.

What I summarize from this is that instead of seeking quick, direct solutions ("why are you complaining? just do xyz"), it is more effective to take a personalized approach in order to make someone feel understood and listened to. When someone dismisses and invalidates people's issues, it hurts them and makes them less likely to listen to what the positive person is suggesting. Validating emotions helps people feel understood before guiding them through challenging thought patterns.


I also think that bringing down this site is retarded lol. It won't make anyone less suicidal. What's a better place to find people to help than a suicide discussion website if you really want to help others? If you want to help people, this is the BEST spot.

Good job on that . Nobody is perfect , we all hold misguided believes on one thing or another. If everyone were open to challenging their own beliefs like you did , the world would be twice as better .

Validating emotions helps people feel understood before guiding them through challenging thought patterns.

You get it

 

[willitpass]

The most frustrating one for me is "all mental illnesses are treatable" or "I've been there, it will get better". It's a vast overgeneralisation that doesn't acknowledge treatment resistant disorders. And saying you've been there so you KNOW another person will for sure get better is frustrating because while it's wonderful you recovered, not everyone is as lucky. Especially as someone who has tried every treatment option available to be told by someone who tried one antidepressant for their non-suicidal depression feels so invalidating.