Help mirroring and playing a character has made me lose sense of who I really am

[Despondent_Fondant]

In November of last year I had a friend group that had been in my life for a few years at that point. But I ended up taking a huge miss-step and ended up having to say goodbye. Then in February of this year I met a friend group that I really clicked with, and we have only been getting closer as time goes on. But we recently had a phone call, and I was basically told that they "see through" me. Maybe it's from childhood trauma, or something I have done ever since I started acting when I was a kid, but I mirror people, and continuously do things that I think will please them. This has never really been an issue until I started talking with people that new what mirroring actually was, and once you do it becomes very clear when someone is doing it. But I have been doing it for so fucking long I literally don't know who I am anymore. I have romanticized the idea of suicide to such a point that my personality has been diluted, and there is no way of removing the excess liquid. Please if there are any tips, or anything to try and help me find myself im all ears. This is genuinely ruining everything I have tried to become.

 

[ToastInTheShell]

Oh my god I relate to this so much, I've spent so much time trying to be what other people want me to be I feel like I've lost my self, like I've got no real personality or soul because I'm just a product of what I think people wanna see and hear. Then people start telling me that they can see that shit, and tell me that I've got no opinions or backbone or personality. Its apparently p obvious to some when someone's just telling them what they wanna hear. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that most see it, but are to polite to say it. Eventually I just go on autopilot and do it by mistake.

As for advice? I have to admit I'm not the best to answer, I'm still finding it hard to be genuine. But I'll try.

I know that "be yourself" is really fucking corny, but you've got to try. Share what you actually think and talk about hings you actually enjoy. What's helping me is learning to spot people pleasing and mirroring, and try to correct it.

As for finding yourself, which is probably stopping you from doing the above, I guess start with what you do when you're alone. What kind of person does those things? You shouldn't create a personality from the ground up or anything but you should try to become more aware of the things you like to do, and meaningful conversations and connections should follow.

Then again, a lot of this is speculation. I have no real idea how to SOLVE what you're feeling, after all I think I'm feeling something similar. Hope this helped in some regard though.

 

[Despondent_Fondant]

Oh my god I relate to this so much, I've spent so much time trying to be what other people want me to be I feel like I've lost my self, like I've got no real personality or soul because I'm just a product of what I think people wanna see and hear. Then people start telling me that they can see that shit, and tell me that I've got no opinions or backbone or personality. Its apparently p obvious to some when someone's just telling them what they wanna hear. The more I thought about it, the more I realised that most see it, but are to polite to say it. Eventually I just go on autopilot and do it by mistake.

As for advice? I have to admit I'm not the best to answer, I'm still finding it hard to be genuine. But I'll try.

I know that "be yourself" is really fucking corny, but you've got to try. Share what you actually think and talk about hings you actually enjoy. What's helping me is learning to spot people pleasing and mirroring, and try to correct it.

As for finding yourself, which is probably stopping you from doing the above, I guess start with what you do when you're alone. What kind of person does those things? You shouldn't create a personality from the ground up or anything but you should try to become more aware of the things you like to do, and meaningful conversations and connections should follow.

Then again, a lot of this is speculation. I have no real idea how to SOLVE what you're feeling, after all I think I'm feeling something similar. Hope this helped in some regard though.

Im sorry you can relate to such a specific issue lmao, but im glad im not alone in this strange affliction. The mirroring feels so passive now, almost like thats just who I "am." My life is brimming with things that I do, rock climbing, meditation, producing, working out, inprov, so much im almost spread thin. I find the only time I am not putting on some social mask is when I am having a genuinely meaningful conversation with someone. Thank you for the reply, unironically made my day, thanks for making me feel just a little less alone. :)