Mindset and Preparation

[porfin1234]

Curious... any thoughts or advice on how to get past fear and have the strength and reserve to finally go through with it?
At this point I am just seething in self hatred and disgust after destroying the progress I had finally made last year.
But not sure if that's really helpful for planning and implementation. Only thing I could see myself attempting at this point is the SN method... but in reality I'm such a wuss so not sure how to get past the anxiety.

Thank you.

 

[Despondent]

I wish I knew advice to give you to help you in the process of preparation. I myself am also struggling to move past the fear and go along with it. The thought of not being on earth is so comforting. Personally, I just don't have the guts to follow through with anything so I feel like I'm screwed. Almost feel like I'll never escape this life, but then, something tells me that I'll never make it to the age of twenty-three. I'm eighteen.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Curious... any thoughts or advice on how to get past fear and have the strength and reserve to finally go through with it?
At this point I am just seething in self hatred and disgust after destroying the progress I had finally made last year.
But not sure if that's really helpful for planning and implementation. Only thing I could see myself attempting at this point is the SN method... but in reality I'm such a wuss so not sure how to get past the anxiety.

Thank you.

The desire for death has to be stronger than life. Take a leap of faith.
That desire has to be stronger than anything else in your life.
Hope everything goes well

 

[porfin1234]

what do you mean by take a leap of faith?

 

[WhyIsLife56]

what do you mean by take a leap of faith?

That all your problems will be gone. The "leap." Think about why you're doing it in the first place.

 

[Moonicide]

Hey, love. It seems you're struggling a bit with life and death... First thing I'll say is if there's any part of you that still has hope for life, if there are still opportunities you haven't seen through, to not ctb just yet. I've found that once you've exhausted all options when it comes to life that you tend to be more at peace with your decision. Because sometimes the 'What Ifs' can really hold us back. And the thing is we're all so different, so what can help people prepare and be mentally ready to ctb can be different to someone else... It's so cliche, but you will know when it's time for you to go. You won't find yourself struggling or fighting it anymore... That doesn't mean you won't go through the motions. I'm at peace with my decision, but I still cry. I still hurt. And I still mourn over the future I'll never have due to the circumstances I was born into.

I will be ctbing with SN, but I've had about almost 2 months to really sit with this and think about it long and hard. I've pretty much have all my arrangements set and I'm done with adding my things into boxes. For me, that's how you know it's real... Are you afraid of dying or are you afraid the unknown death brings? There's people that take benzos before ctbing to mellow out before going through with their method. But ultimately, you are the person that holds your own peace. No one can do that for you.

I hope you find peace in whatever form that is for you, love.
Sending you all of my love and support, we are here for you.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Agree with the above. There is such a peace and serenity I've obtained in planning to CTB, that has to come from exhausting all other perceivable options.

i am worried I'll still be a bit worried when I kick the bucket. Going to responsibly dose Xanax and drink a little beforehand.

 

[porfin1234]

I think the steps are the following:

stay away and distance from family and friends
Do not expose self to things that I love enjoy or remind me of why I have loved life in the past
Stop taking care of self
Do not see therapist or psychiatrist
Don't enjoy food or simple pleasures of life
No indulging in someone's company

then will I be able to finally do it?

 

[WhyIsLife56]

I think the steps are the following:

stay away and distance from family and friends
Do not expose self to things that I love enjoy or remind me of why I have loved life in the past
Stop taking care of self
Do not see therapist or psychiatrist
Don't enjoy food or simple pleasures of life
No indulging in someone's company

then will I be able to finally do it?

When you're able to let go of everything

 

[FreedomInDeath]

Remind yourself why you want to CTB all of the time, if you genuinly have no future it is a lot easier to mourn yourself and get to the acceptance stage. Also practice and going through the motions.

 

[porfin1234]

Update:

Considering deleting all pictures of past of when I was in love with myself and life
I have no hope I can get back to that after ruining my professional career reputation and thousands in medical bills.

I feel utterly numb. Back to where I was before June 2018. But worse. Sad thing is I would be ok if I were normal productive teacher. But always been shitty at it. And not been insane in general.

I need to gather SN materials while slowly trying to take care of job and home life mess I've made (since life keeps going til I can finally go through with it).

Is it messed up I keep imagining people's reactions when I finally do it? And I honestly only care about my dads suffering? Everyone else just moves on.

Don't want to talk to anyone anymore or come out of my place. Don't want to see this beautiful city that reminds me of all I sacrificed so I could leave for no reason.

I wish I had been born normal. Or maybe given someone else all the blessings I've had. They wouldn't have thrown it all away like I did.

I play in m head over and over what I've read about SN process and try to desensitize to it how my death will be.

 

[Pan]

I envy your numbness and wish I felt same. I accept the inevitable (that i'll die by my own hand). It is the only trip that you must travel alone. But bringing myself to do it is another thing entirely.