Venting might ctb after new year's

[ceasellthepain]

hello.. I'm pretty new here but i wanted to vent out a bit one last time..

ive lost all hope in life. I've lost so much people this year, both by their deaths and them willingly leaving. My dad passed away in October. the next month, my boyfriend hanged. a few days after that, my best friend, the last person keeping me alive, cut off all communication with me.
My family isn't helping either. When i show them my vulnerability, they call me creepy or force me into being happy (and by that i mean, saying "just be happy, stop being so dramatic" et cetera..) and not to mention my dog that passed away on March.

I cant find any more distractions either. Life's been so exhausting that playing games or listening to music can help me anymore. I've gone back to cutting and its getting worse with each week i cut.

I tried attempting last month as well but failed because i was talked out of it, except it was by the very same person who chose to leave me be. elaborating on this person, rhey mattered a lot. really, both of us didnt really have rhe most stable lives but man he really kept my faith in life still. but i guess people do come and go.

I really wanna do try and find my worth but i cant. Ive felt useless my whole life and no matter how hard i try i cant ever place myself pretty much anywhere. I dont really have any talents except for my weird quirky knowledge with history and tech but thats about it. I'm not that academically smart either. My grades arent dropping, but the academic pressure really isnt helping.
My physical health is even worse.
My other friends also seem disinterested with me. Im thankful for their words when i vent but when i dont vent its like they just want me to shut up.

Many people say its quite unfortunate a young person as me has consistently been trying to CTB. Ive been trying since i was 8. At that age, my family was very unstable. My brother would always try to get the knife on us. I also remember my dad threatening to end my life. My mom wasnt really present as she was abroad. My sisters were kind during that time which i was thankful for, but at the present? i dont think they'd care less if i died.
with each attempt that failed my love for myself grew weaker. At this point, i dont even know if it exists. dare i say im only waiting for my death now.

If i ever do succeed, i wanna thank this website and the people on it for pretty much helpijg me cope . No, i haven't posted at all, but ive seen so much advice and so much like-minded people that i somehow felt less alone in this. Unfortunately though...its getting too much for me. I really cant take it anymore :')

Im planning to go on January 1st, or perhaps the 2nd. I really dont wanna be a burden to my family's holiday mood. This might be my last public post anywhere . Will update if it isnt.

ell out<3

 

[soul2realm]

hello.. I'm pretty new here but i wanted to vent out a bit one last time..

ive lost all hope in life. I've lost so much people this year, both by their deaths and them willingly leaving. My dad passed away in October. the next month, my boyfriend hanged. a few days after that, my best friend, the last person keeping me alive, cut off all communication with me.
My family isn't helping either. When i show them my vulnerability, they call me creepy or force me into being happy (and by that i mean, saying "just be happy, stop being so dramatic" et cetera..) and not to mention my dog that passed away on March.

I cant find any more distractions either. Life's been so exhausting that playing games or listening to music can help me anymore. I've gone back to cutting and its getting worse with each week i cut.

I tried attempting last month as well but failed because i was talked out of it, except it was by the very same person who chose to leave me be. elaborating on this person, rhey mattered a lot. really, both of us didnt really have rhe most stable lives but man he really kept my faith in life still. but i guess people do come and go.

I really wanna do try and find my worth but i cant. Ive felt useless my whole life and no matter how hard i try i cant ever place myself pretty much anywhere. I dont really have any talents except for my weird quirky knowledge with history and tech but thats about it. I'm not that academically smart either. My grades arent dropping, but the academic pressure really isnt helping.
My physical health is even worse.
My other friends also seem disinterested with me. Im thankful for their words when i vent but when i dont vent its like they just want me to shut up.

Many people say its quite unfortunate a young person as me has consistently been trying to CTB. Ive been trying since i was 8. At that age, my family was very unstable. My brother would always try to get the knife on us. I also remember my dad threatening to end my life. My mom wasnt really present as she was abroad. My sisters were kind during that time which i was thankful for, but at the present? i dont think they'd care less if i died.
with each attempt that failed my love for myself grew weaker. At this point, i dont even know if it exists. dare i say im only waiting for my death now.

If i ever do succeed, i wanna thank this website and the people on it for pretty much helpijg me cope . No, i haven't posted at all, but ive seen so much advice and so much like-minded people that i somehow felt less alone in this. Unfortunately though...its getting too much for me. I really cant take it anymore :')

Im planning to go on January 1st, or perhaps the 2nd. I really dont wanna be a burden to my family's holiday mood. This might be my last public post anywhere . Will update if it isnt.

ell out<3

It's really sad that the people you want to rely on are the first one's to leave. But it kinda shows us that in life, we can only rely on ourselves. I mean we came here alone, and we will depart alone. Who we meet during our existence can be a blessing or curse.
And you are a beautiful soul within, let no one take away that from you.
Whatever you decide, it's yours. Lots of love to you.