Mellow greetings,
I've lurked around here for a long time, on and off for a couple years, I think. Found this place while searching for which kind of rope to use for hanging myself or what, if any, everyday meds I can take to shuffle off this mortal coil. Turns out: suicide is hard.
I learned from other's experiences, some from around here, that a lot can go wrong in suicide attempts. I'd been pretty set on one of the aforementioned methods until I saw how many people failed due to a rope breaking or just not taking enough meds for their body weight. I'm a large person, too, between 270 and 275 pounds. Seems it's very likely I'd have a hard time finding sturdy enough goods to hold me or enough drugs to put me down. What's deterred me the most is the possibility of someone finding me. That's the nightmare, as far as I'm concerned. Failing would be disappointing, but being found, resuscitated, and having to then live with brain damage or be forced into obligatory reeducation for perpetuating the status quot would just make everything even worse. Additionally, I seem to have particularly sharp biological responses for survival. I've fallen asleep at the wheel many times and have always pulled out of it. I have sleep apnea and acid reflux. Often at night I spring awake gasping for air or choking on bile. I get the feeling my body would revolt in self-preservation and just not allow me to hang or overdose. I never thought I'd live this long, and after all the research I've done, it seems like a gun is the only secure way to go.
It's a bit difficult for me to get my hands on a gun where I live and with my background. It may not even be an option. More importantly, I just don't like them. I believe we enter into this world naked, and we exit with only our deeds. I'd rather my last act not be betraying a principle of mine. I don't have more than a couple years left in me, though; I may have to make an exception and at least see if I can get one. Other methods just seem too risky.
I apologize for venting. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by finally joining this site. I've just never been able to speak bluntly about this. I believe ending one's life is a matter of bodily autonomy, and I'm just reaching the end of wanting to be alive.
I've lurked around here for a long time, on and off for a couple years, I think. Found this place while searching for which kind of rope to use for hanging myself or what, if any, everyday meds I can take to shuffle off this mortal coil. Turns out: suicide is hard.
I learned from other's experiences, some from around here, that a lot can go wrong in suicide attempts. I'd been pretty set on one of the aforementioned methods until I saw how many people failed due to a rope breaking or just not taking enough meds for their body weight. I'm a large person, too, between 270 and 275 pounds. Seems it's very likely I'd have a hard time finding sturdy enough goods to hold me or enough drugs to put me down. What's deterred me the most is the possibility of someone finding me. That's the nightmare, as far as I'm concerned. Failing would be disappointing, but being found, resuscitated, and having to then live with brain damage or be forced into obligatory reeducation for perpetuating the status quot would just make everything even worse. Additionally, I seem to have particularly sharp biological responses for survival. I've fallen asleep at the wheel many times and have always pulled out of it. I have sleep apnea and acid reflux. Often at night I spring awake gasping for air or choking on bile. I get the feeling my body would revolt in self-preservation and just not allow me to hang or overdose. I never thought I'd live this long, and after all the research I've done, it seems like a gun is the only secure way to go.
It's a bit difficult for me to get my hands on a gun where I live and with my background. It may not even be an option. More importantly, I just don't like them. I believe we enter into this world naked, and we exit with only our deeds. I'd rather my last act not be betraying a principle of mine. I don't have more than a couple years left in me, though; I may have to make an exception and at least see if I can get one. Other methods just seem too risky.
I apologize for venting. I'm not sure what I'm looking for by finally joining this site. I've just never been able to speak bluntly about this. I believe ending one's life is a matter of bodily autonomy, and I'm just reaching the end of wanting to be alive.
