Method method for when you're so fucking tired??

[Niko]

idk if this was asked before...
I don't have the energy to do anything.

I really had the impulse to ctb today but I couldn't get off my bed. I slept and slept and when I was awake I stared into the darkness and tried desperately to go back to sleep. I'm basically dead already really, no interaction, no friends, no activity, just lying in bed until i'm forced to drag myself to work and waste time.

i think the only reason i'm still here is because the path of least resistance is me just staying in bed and waiting to die. it feels like so much effort to somehow get an illegal pill, or purchase a firearm(i've never even seen a gun up close in real life), or work myself up enough to jump off a high bridge. even finding a strong rope, then learning how to correctly tie a slipknot and then finding a stable branch from a tree in the woods feels impossible.

maybe i'm still clinging on to something in this life and that's just holding me back. but if I could press a button to just turn off I doubt I'd be here. people say "it's easy if you really want to do it", but i really wanted to do it today and yet my body & mind just shut down.

 

[AlePizarnik]

Seems like we're in a very similar position

 

[Finallyhere]

Same here. Slip knots are easy to tie but actually finding a good way to hang is tough.

Apparently, if you have the guts, you can bite your tongue off and die. Or you can just lay in bed for three days, not eat/drink, crap/piss yourself and you'll be dead in a week.

 

[TAW122]

Same here. Slip knots are easy to tie but actually finding a good way to hang is tough.

Apparently, if you have the guts, you can bite your tongue off and die. Or you can just lay in bed for three days, not eat/drink, crap/piss yourself and you'll be dead in a week.

Pretty much though dying from starvation and dehydration could be painful, especially dehydration.

 

[Finallyhere]

Pretty much though dying from starvation and dehydration could be painful, especially dehydration.

No doubt. Even trying that is pretty impossible unless you're in the middle of nowhere. The willpower needed is too much.

 

[Niko]

No doubt. Even trying that is pretty impossible unless you're in the middle of nowhere. The willpower needed is too much.

yeah exactly, willpower.

whatever willpower i had seems to have already caught the bus without me

 

[Finallyhere]

yeah exactly, willpower.

whatever willpower i had seems to have already caught the bus without me

But you have the willpower to work right?

 

[Niko]

But you have the willpower to work right?

well my job is basically night security/watch. i just sit at a desk in a building and make sure nothing happens, and nothing ever happens. i'm at it right now actually, lol.

in fact i originally took this job cuz i knew i wouldn't have much to do

 

[Finallyhere]

well my job is basically night security/watch. i just sit at a desk in a building and make sure nothing happens, and nothing ever happens. i'm at it right now actually, lol.

in fact i originally took this job cuz i knew i wouldn't have much to do

Ah well that sounds chill. If I were you I'd keep doing what you do and not worry. Something will come your way.

 

[Niko]

Something will come your way.

Something like a Bus right?

 

[Retched]

I wish there was a passive suicide option too, rather than waiting years for natural death- just do something passive & you're gone. I feel ya.

 

[Sayo]

Can you find your carotids? If you can then you can probably find the sweet spot for the Night Night method (self choke). You would need materials for it, just like eg sodium nitrite or a pill overdose.

Motivation is often cyclic in depression, and it's also worth investigating those feelings you mentioned to see if you really do have an aversion to suicide, or are hanging on to hope, trying to rest, etc.

It's not easy if you care about reliability, never mind pain, never mind the demotivation and fatigue of despair. It's a very big step to take and requires some research and thought to be done rationally. It is more complex than the myth that 'suicide is easy if you just do it'. Violent (gun, jumping from the right height, etc.) impulsive suicides often succeed, but non violent ones don't because people go for unreliable or even non lethal overdoses, etc. However, the risks are worth caring about. So don't be pressured by your internal monologue. It's okay to need time and energy.

I also followed the path of least resistance for many years. When suicide became easier, I immediately moved to act. When life became easier, I trudged through the pain. I have mood disorders, so that does of course influence how much control I had—easy was very cyclic.

 

[Niko]

Can you find your carotids? If you can then you can probably find the sweet spot for the Night Night method (self choke). You would need materials for it, just like eg sodium nitrite or a pill overdose.

Motivation is often cyclic in depression, and it's also worth investigating those feelings you mentioned to see if you really do have an aversion to suicide, or are hanging on to hope, trying to rest, etc.

It's not easy if you care about reliability, never mind pain, never mind the demotivation and fatigue of despair. It's a very big step to take and requires some research and thought to be done rationally. It is more complex than the myth that 'suicide is easy if you just do it'. Violent (gun, jumping from the right height, etc.) impulsive suicides often succeed, but non violent ones don't because people go for unreliable or even non lethal overdoses, etc. However, the risks are worth caring about. So don't be pressured by your internal monologue. It's okay to need time and energy.

I also followed the path of least resistance for many years. When suicide became easier, I immediately moved to act. When life became easier, I trudged through the pain. I have mood disorders, so that does of course influence how much control I had—easy was very cyclic.

yes i just read about that night night method earlier, seems very interesting.

going off what you are saying, i'm afraid what's going to happen is that i'm going to have the will power to do something only when i'm 'feeling better' again. i'm quite the sensitive ninny and my emotions swing both ways. i suppose it's not supposed to be so 'easy' to ctb because in all honesty there have been awful moments in my life where my immediate impulse was to jump in front a train, and yet those moments seem to fade into obscurity with time: if it was just a button we had to press to ctb then i doubt the species would ever have gotten this far.

at the same time, it's the accumulation of horrible events that starts to weigh heavy for me. i'm telling myself 'i can't go through this again' but i've told myself that before.

 

[Lifeisatrap]

I stuggle with the same thing. It's like being trapped in an emotional purgatory where you can neither live or die. Hopefully I'll manage to force myself out of it step by step and follow through with my attempts to end it. A passive suicide would be ideal but not reality.

 

[52shriek]

I'm exactly in this position too.
I want to place an order for n but when I think of the work involved... I just wanna go back to sleep.

 

[TiredHorse]

people say "it's easy if you really want to do it"

Those "people" are talking bullshit, as a great many people here on ss can assure you from experience.

I'm on the edge of that same exhaustion, Niko. You have my sympathy.

 

[Sayo]

yes i just read about that night night method earlier, seems very interesting.

going off what you are saying, i'm afraid what's going to happen is that i'm going to have the will power to do something only when i'm 'feeling better' again. i'm quite the sensitive ninny and my emotions swing both ways. i suppose it's not supposed to be so 'easy' to ctb because in all honesty there have been awful moments in my life where my immediate impulse was to jump in front a train, and yet those moments seem to fade into obscurity with time: if it was just a button we had to press to ctb then i doubt the species would ever have gotten this far.

at the same time, it's the accumulation of horrible events that starts to weigh heavy for me. i'm telling myself 'i can't go through this again' but i've told myself that before.

The only way around it in the immediate is planning, but even then you are susceptible to your survival instinct. So passive methods do help with that, and the NN method is not passive. SN is pretty passive though, and if you live on your own or have your own guaranteed safe space you can store it long term. N can also be stored but you definitely have to live on your own for that one.

You don't have to do anything about your situation right now, if there's reasonable expectation the lethargy will pass.

On moods: after a long period of hedging my bets, attempting treatment, and enjoying what I could, I eventually reached a period of finality independent of my impulse control, as have many others on this site. I understand this feeling because even when I don't feel utterly wretched I think about it and know that I don't want to do anything but die ultimately. It is almost peaceful. I do wish I had died earlier, but I didn't succeed, and not everything was terrible, I suppose...

Biological imperatives suck, and survival is definitely one. It is one of the few things truly wired into us. Suicide is anything but trivial unfortunately, and every stage brings new questions that have to be answered. You can think about it like this: how easily do most people come to terms with their own inevitable but 'normal' deaths? Most people spend much of their lives running from reminders of mortality. And yet that is a precursor for anything but a truly psychotic suicide. But it is managed and done by many—often as part of long journeys.

And, yes, the kind of depression where you can't move is not conducive to initiating a suicide—for example in bipolar the most dangerous episodes are thought to be mixed ones, as depression provides impetus and mania provides the actual energy and lowers inhibition.

I really relate to what you have been saying. It sucks.

 

[bigj75]

Caffeine overdose.

 

[Retched]

I stuggle with the same thing. It's like being trapped in an emotional purgatory where you can neither live or die. Hopefully I'll manage to force myself out of it step by step and follow through with my attempts to end it. A passive suicide would be ideal but not reality.

Aaaah, a passive suicide is what I want too, wouldn't that be awesome? Is there a way we can grant each other that?

 

[TiredHorse]

I need a "Do Not Disturb" sign that I can put out for the Universe. Hang it on my nose when I go to sleep, so that Life doesn't wake me up.

 

[52shriek]

I need one of those too!

 

[creationisdeath]

Caffeine overdose.

That sounds extremely painful.

I was looking into that hyperventilation method but I can't seem to make myself pass out.. :( maybe you can

 

[Niko]

I do have a theory that one of the reasons the body seems to shut down at moments of high stress or depression is the body maybe trying to protect itself from itself. if i was filled with some sort of vigor during a particularly negative episode who knows what stupid wasteful damage I could risk wreaking on myself or others.
Just a theory, but I suppose it's not a terrible thing that a good mood for me is correlated with higher energy and negative mood with fatigue; i'd rather use whatever energy I have in this world to do good things and think good thoughts in the short time I have.

 

[TiredHorse]

I remember reading a study about children falling asleep in class. It was pretty definitively concluded that the children weren't falling asleep because they were tired from lack of sleep at home, they were falling asleep because their brains were overloaded from the amount of information being processed in the class. When their brains got overloaded, a mental fuse tripped and they got sleepy/fell asleep.

I know I have exprienced exactly this phenomenon in past years, when I was working on a difficult bit of writing. The plot would be insanely complex, or a character would be expressing something that needed to be handled very precisely, and I'd find myself nodding off as I tried to make the scene work. My brain was overloaded.

What could be more overloading for our brains than the conflict between a conscious desire to end the pain we are feeling and the all-pervasive human survival instinct? Is anyone on this forum not chronically exhausted by that conflict?

 

[Ghab]

well my job is basically night security/watch. i just sit at a desk in a building and make sure nothing happens, and nothing ever happens. i'm at it right now actually, lol.

in fact i originally took this job cuz i knew i wouldn't have much to do

That's an awesome job. I would love to have a night watch job. If anything ever DOES happen, I can just get killed.

 

[Kdawg2018]

I remember reading a study about children falling asleep in class. It was pretty definitively concluded that the children weren't falling asleep because they were tired from lack of sleep at home, they were falling asleep because their brains were overloaded from the amount of information being processed in the class. When their brains got overloaded, a mental fuse tripped and they got sleepy/fell asleep.

I know I have exprienced exactly this phenomenon in past years, when I was working on a difficult bit of writing. The plot would be insanely complex, or a character would be expressing something that needed to be handled very precisely, and I'd find myself nodding off as I tried to make the scene work. My brain was overloaded.

What could be more overloading for our brains than the conflict between a conscious desire to end the pain we are feeling and the all-pervasive human survival instinct? Is anyone on this forum not chronically exhausted by that conflict?

This is me, reading the forums all day, trying to make sure I get it right! I keep almost falling asleep reading because idk if I am going to be able to go through with my plan, but I am in too much pain existing all the time...