Some days ago I met her. We know us from a clinic stay some years ago. I am kind of scared she would dox me if she read that. I think she was pretty much against suicide. I will sum it up. During this clinic stay I was very very suicidal. I also was acute suicidal, tried partial but it was no suicide attempt. She was very compassionate. Our communication was not the best. I was often quite metaphysical and abstract she did not get those points of me. But I talked 24/7 about suicide with her. I vented every single day for hours. She was very patient with me. She endured a lot. We sometimes argumented over religion. I asked her if she thinks people who ctb go to hell and she agreed on that. Which made me pretty angry, Though I am and was very thankful for her. It is not easy to listen to so much suffering. I think religion gave her strength this is why my confrontation about that topic was not that friendly. To be honest sometimes I acted like a jerk to my therapists. I was really way way beyond my limits. The pain was unimaginable extreme. And the people around me also noticed this. They did not resent me for my behavior. I think they were pretty scared I would ctb during the clinic stay or after the time I was released.
I think the people really cared for me. I won't go into details but I still had contacts with some of the staff there but not with her. As I said I recently met her. I recognized in the past how people are scared when I signal them I am pretty sure my life will end with my suicide. Many think you would have to go to the psych ward if they think that. This is not true. Only if you are acute suicidal they have the right to do that. Yes a lot of people are/were scared that I ctb in the end. Honestly I still think this will happen. But I changed my strategy. Act like there was hope. Objectively my situation really improved since 1,5 years. Though when I think rationaly about it it is very very unlikely I can prevent my suicide. There would have to happen several miracles. I still hope for that. I still work very hard to let it happen. But objectively the odds are pretty much against me.
Yeah as I said I met her. She remembered me but not my name I think. It is a while ago. I remembered her name. I started small talk. She asked me how I am doing. Yeah I said I havee made a lot of progress and I am feeling better. At least the latter is kind of true compared to the clinic stay. I think she was pretty happy to hear that. I could see it in her face. By the way she is absolutely gorgeous. During the clinic stay a psychotic drug dealer molested her. It was very awkward. She could laugh about it afterwards. I can remembered I only shaked with my head and looked at him. But he was as I said psychotic.
Back to the topic. There was a time I showed my therapists my desperation. I think many worried about me. I have like a tiny success chance for recovery. I really don't believe in it. But nowI act as if everything was fine. I don't want that these people feel bad over my case. I experienced a lot of horrible unfair things in my life. Child abuse and bullying. And in the future I probably kill myself due to poverty. There is no real escape for me.
I think many healthy people or people who try to stay healthy try to avoid to realize how unfair life can be. Cases like mine can let people induce doubts about life in general. No wonder therapists have higher suicide rates. They are confronted with a lot of pain and suffering. I think some cope with world views like: In the end will everything be fine. This is also something my parents tell themselves. Yeah it is good for their consccience and they can avoid to look at the devastating consequences of their actions. When I felt really bad I wanted to burst the bubble of these people. I wanted them to realize how cruel and hellish life can be. But I don't want to do that anymore. I don't see much sense in it. Maybe they would be more rational about it. Maybe they would start to support assisted suicide for mentally people. Yeah but I stopped wanting to convince them. I think I would hurt these people way too much. Maybe a positive bias about the world can prevent people from getting ill themselves. And especially in this job you have to care about your own needs.
I feel a little bit like it is a treason for the right to die movement. But I think these people (a handful of people) could not change anything. Maybe even the people who read my posts could have more influence on this movement. But it is more likely that journalists ect. want to close their eyes from cases like mine. Criminalize people like me and instead demonize assisted suicide for mentally ill. I read this a lot in the media and I get very angry and disappointed due to it.
Maybe something at the end. I would not lie to these therapist if we could reach more if I stayed honest. I already told very many therapists the truth. But they gave me up instead. I am working with my current therapist. We try to find the best possible strategy etc. We analyzed a lot. But it is just not enough. And I am smart enough to know that. My illness usually proceeds in cycles. And I really doubt I will survive coming episodes. I think it is good to be honest with your therapist if you want to analyze the situation and get the best strategy. But I already kind of did that and in my case it did not help.(But this is just in my case other people may profit from it.) I have an agreement with my therapist. Concentrate on the present. Yeah I do that. But I still don't belive in this utopia. The game is rigged against me. I am very fragile. The chances that my recovery attempts backfire and kill me isn't unlikely. I am not a dreamer. Though I try not be delusional and think my future was predictable. I struggle with that to be honest.
Yeah I think maybe this thread was kind of long. I am feeling quite manic this evening. I will take addictive medication I hope they will help. Thanks for reading it. :)
I think the people really cared for me. I won't go into details but I still had contacts with some of the staff there but not with her. As I said I recently met her. I recognized in the past how people are scared when I signal them I am pretty sure my life will end with my suicide. Many think you would have to go to the psych ward if they think that. This is not true. Only if you are acute suicidal they have the right to do that. Yes a lot of people are/were scared that I ctb in the end. Honestly I still think this will happen. But I changed my strategy. Act like there was hope. Objectively my situation really improved since 1,5 years. Though when I think rationaly about it it is very very unlikely I can prevent my suicide. There would have to happen several miracles. I still hope for that. I still work very hard to let it happen. But objectively the odds are pretty much against me.
Yeah as I said I met her. She remembered me but not my name I think. It is a while ago. I remembered her name. I started small talk. She asked me how I am doing. Yeah I said I havee made a lot of progress and I am feeling better. At least the latter is kind of true compared to the clinic stay. I think she was pretty happy to hear that. I could see it in her face. By the way she is absolutely gorgeous. During the clinic stay a psychotic drug dealer molested her. It was very awkward. She could laugh about it afterwards. I can remembered I only shaked with my head and looked at him. But he was as I said psychotic.
Back to the topic. There was a time I showed my therapists my desperation. I think many worried about me. I have like a tiny success chance for recovery. I really don't believe in it. But nowI act as if everything was fine. I don't want that these people feel bad over my case. I experienced a lot of horrible unfair things in my life. Child abuse and bullying. And in the future I probably kill myself due to poverty. There is no real escape for me.
I think many healthy people or people who try to stay healthy try to avoid to realize how unfair life can be. Cases like mine can let people induce doubts about life in general. No wonder therapists have higher suicide rates. They are confronted with a lot of pain and suffering. I think some cope with world views like: In the end will everything be fine. This is also something my parents tell themselves. Yeah it is good for their consccience and they can avoid to look at the devastating consequences of their actions. When I felt really bad I wanted to burst the bubble of these people. I wanted them to realize how cruel and hellish life can be. But I don't want to do that anymore. I don't see much sense in it. Maybe they would be more rational about it. Maybe they would start to support assisted suicide for mentally people. Yeah but I stopped wanting to convince them. I think I would hurt these people way too much. Maybe a positive bias about the world can prevent people from getting ill themselves. And especially in this job you have to care about your own needs.
I feel a little bit like it is a treason for the right to die movement. But I think these people (a handful of people) could not change anything. Maybe even the people who read my posts could have more influence on this movement. But it is more likely that journalists ect. want to close their eyes from cases like mine. Criminalize people like me and instead demonize assisted suicide for mentally ill. I read this a lot in the media and I get very angry and disappointed due to it.
Maybe something at the end. I would not lie to these therapist if we could reach more if I stayed honest. I already told very many therapists the truth. But they gave me up instead. I am working with my current therapist. We try to find the best possible strategy etc. We analyzed a lot. But it is just not enough. And I am smart enough to know that. My illness usually proceeds in cycles. And I really doubt I will survive coming episodes. I think it is good to be honest with your therapist if you want to analyze the situation and get the best strategy. But I already kind of did that and in my case it did not help.(But this is just in my case other people may profit from it.) I have an agreement with my therapist. Concentrate on the present. Yeah I do that. But I still don't belive in this utopia. The game is rigged against me. I am very fragile. The chances that my recovery attempts backfire and kill me isn't unlikely. I am not a dreamer. Though I try not be delusional and think my future was predictable. I struggle with that to be honest.
Yeah I think maybe this thread was kind of long. I am feeling quite manic this evening. I will take addictive medication I hope they will help. Thanks for reading it. :)
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