I went to A&E to get help, was there 4hours talked to a nurse and then someone from the sanctary. Its so bullshit, kept askimg me if i coukd keep myself safe i said no. I confessed i had the tank etc. Whilst i was waiting a girl i met on the ward and became friends with was there, shes cut her wrist, not to kill helself just to release pressure in her head. She has suicidal thoughts but never reallu acted on them. She was sent back tk the ward in an hour, me, im not sat here waiting for police to come get the nitrogen cyclinder cos the hospital rang them. If i coukd keep myself safe and didnt want help i wouldnt have gone to hospital. Now i feel like a joke, like i dont matter. I wish i never tried today all thats gonna happen now is talking with these sanctuary people which makes me feel worse and ill find another method. The tank is huge and it actually scared me, i need N or SN i think. I just want out even more now, i doubt id have time to get the tank set up, not got an exit bag to use. Police would try find me if i didnt give it ti them. How the hell did i manage to make things worse. So angry
Johnnythefox
Que sera sera
- Nov 11, 2018
- 3,129
I'm sorry this has happened, you are not a joke and you do matter. You are only human and have done what many of us would do. I wish I could say more, but don't be so hard on yourself.
Thankyou. Just got to get through tonight a hour at a time the nurse said. Just wish i coukd shut my own head up, laughing at me cos i couldnt CTB and now the police want to destroy the nitrogen so i wont get my money back £160 i should have just driven off and used it
Johnnythefox
Que sera sera
- Nov 11, 2018
- 3,129
Ah damn! I'm really sorry, Shewaitsforme.
No, you're not a joke. That survival instinct just snuck in and messed with you.
One hour at a time, as they say. Catch your breath, marshal your strength, and when/if you're ready, give it another go. At least now you know what to do, how big the tank is, etc., and you're less likely to get rattled.
On the bright side, it's better to err and not ctb than to ctb and realize it was a bad idea.
No, you're not a joke. That survival instinct just snuck in and messed with you.
One hour at a time, as they say. Catch your breath, marshal your strength, and when/if you're ready, give it another go. At least now you know what to do, how big the tank is, etc., and you're less likely to get rattled.
On the bright side, it's better to err and not ctb than to ctb and realize it was a bad idea.
Eowyn
Member
- Nov 4, 2018
- 41
The police destroyed all my things after my last attempt too, my charcoal grill, a large pyrex dish, my box of matches, and the thing that pissed me off the most: my really good pair of kitchen scissors I'd had for years.
All I'd used the scissors for was cutting the sellotape to stick my suicide note on the inside of my car door :(
Honestly when police do shit like that... like you say it's only encouraging us to find other ways... I think they want us to die.
I actively avoid A+E, will lie through my teeth to get out of going to there or to the sanctuary by any means. It enrages me that these people think they are doing 'the right thing' even when we tell them it makes us feel worse.
Sorry about your tank, that is a really bad blow. Hope you're able to find another means if that's what you need.x
All I'd used the scissors for was cutting the sellotape to stick my suicide note on the inside of my car door :(
Honestly when police do shit like that... like you say it's only encouraging us to find other ways... I think they want us to die.
I actively avoid A+E, will lie through my teeth to get out of going to there or to the sanctuary by any means. It enrages me that these people think they are doing 'the right thing' even when we tell them it makes us feel worse.
Sorry about your tank, that is a really bad blow. Hope you're able to find another means if that's what you need.x
Amira
Student
- Nov 15, 2018
- 180
