Mental Torture

[nautilus]

Oh my god... my life is utter hell. If anyone saw my original story post, well... the short story is I have bad Lyme Disease and it messes with your brain chemistry and you end up doing things you would never do. I jumped off a bridge, survived but have severe PTSD now for 5 years. I really messed up my appearance. This has wasted my 40s. Im nearly 50 and have minus -100 confidence now that I will never recover from. Just seeing my scarred face and body makes me nauseous. All my friends have drifted off and settled down. I can't face the future so I know what actions I have to take... but the thought of more months like this while I accrue the money just seems torturous. My best non-human friend, my cat just died. More than heartbreaking and has only added to my grief and alienation. Life was beautiful before all this bit it's gone. All gone. I feel like im loosing my mind. Out of respect for my loved ones I have to take the most peaceful and easiest exit ... N ... and that is not easy and expensive. Just venting. Every second is torture.

 

[BrokenHopes]

I'm really sorry you have to go through all that and that your cat died, they are wonderful animals and mates. Sounds like you are in extreme pain. I hope you can find a way out of your suffering.

 

[nautilus]

I'm really sorry you have to go through all that and that your cat died, they are wonderful animals and mates. Sounds like you are in extreme pain. I hope you can find a way out of your suffering.

Thank you BrokenHopes. I hope so too for all of us, either way it goes.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life really is terrible. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I understand it is hard to carry on when things are hopeless. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[nautilus]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life really is terrible. It sounds like you are going through a lot. I understand it is hard to carry on when things are hopeless. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

Thank you. Ive seen your posts and you seem like a very compassionate person. I'm sorry you are suffering too.

 

[goldenvirginia]

I'm so sorry about your cat. My dog is dying so I understand how hard that must be. Especially when your feeling like shit already. I suffer from BDD and can also relate to feeling very self conscious and unhappy with how you look.

 

[nautilus]

I'm so sorry about your cat. My dog is dying so I understand how hard that must be. Especially when your feeling like shit already. I suffer from BDD and can also relate to feeling very self conscious and unhappy with how you look.

Hi GoldenVirginia. Im sorry you're suffering with BDD. I know how debilitating it can be. The Irony if it is I once had it too.. but managed to recover with treatment... bit now this. So crazy. And about your dog... im so sorry to hear. It is so very hard. Hugs.

 

[SuicideRun]

Here you are among people who understand what it means to die with every breath and to be in the dark in the sun. It is so painful and tiring. I hope you get better wherever you want to go

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

All my friends have drifted off and settled down.

This is the worst feeling in the world.

 

[Hotsackage]

Ya me to

 

[nautilus]

Here you are among people who understand what it means to die with every breath and to be in the dark in the sun. It is so painful and tiring. I hope you get better wherever you want to go

Likewise. I know where I have to go. I sincerely hope for others it is different.

 

[AtMostOkay]

Likewise. I know where I have to go. I sincerely hope for others it is different.

I'm so sorry you are hurting, fight much beyond your control. I understand, relate. Much peace and love xoxo

 

[nautilus]

I'm so sorry you are hurting, fight much beyond your control. I understand, relate. Much peace and love xoxo

Much peace and love back to you, glad someone relates.

 

[AtMostOkay]

Much peace and love back to you, glad someone relates.

It does help, doesn't it, if just a little, to know that we aren't fully alone, yes?

 

[nautilus]

It does help, doesn't it, if just a little, to know that we aren't fully alone, yes?

A little. I sympathise with those that never liked living from the start.. even though I can't relate. I loved life, i think that's going to be harder to get over than SI. But it does help, this place.

 

[NormaJeane]

We should all have the right to euthanasia, the same right to die as our pets. But people are now forced to live no matter how life turns out!

 

[meetapple]

You are suffering much more than me. I hope your suffering eases no matter which way you go.

 

[Nigh]

Oh my god... my life is utter hell. If anyone saw my original story post, well... the short story is I have bad Lyme Disease and it messes with your brain chemistry and you end up doing things you would never do. I jumped off a bridge, survived but have severe PTSD now for 5 years. I really messed up my appearance. This has wasted my 40s. Im nearly 50 and have minus -100 confidence now that I will never recover from. Just seeing my scarred face and body makes me nauseous. All my friends have drifted off and settled down. I can't face the future so I know what actions I have to take... but the thought of more months like this while I accrue the money just seems torturous. My best non-human friend, my cat just died. More than heartbreaking and has only added to my grief and alienation. Life was beautiful before all this bit it's gone. All gone. I feel like im loosing my mind. Out of respect for my loved ones I have to take the most peaceful and easiest exit ... N ... and that is not easy and expensive. Just venting. Every second is torture.

So sorry you have to go through this. I relate to so many of your issues, especially the scarring. Sorry about your cat, it's not easy to experience lost when you already feel isolated. Sending love and virtual hugs from me xx xx

 

[toforigivelife]

Oh my god... my life is utter hell. If anyone saw my original story post, well... the short story is I have bad Lyme Disease and it messes with your brain chemistry and you end up doing things you would never do. I jumped off a bridge, survived but have severe PTSD now for 5 years. I really messed up my appearance. This has wasted my 40s. Im nearly 50 and have minus -100 confidence now that I will never recover from. Just seeing my scarred face and body makes me nauseous. All my friends have drifted off and settled down. I can't face the future so I know what actions I have to take... but the thought of more months like this while I accrue the money just seems torturous. My best non-human friend, my cat just died. More than heartbreaking and has only added to my grief and alienation. Life was beautiful before all this bit it's gone. All gone. I feel like im loosing my mind. Out of respect for my loved ones I have to take the most peaceful and easiest exit ... N ... and that is not easy and expensive. Just venting. Every second is torture.

With the conditions you have just described I feel you have the right to make a decision regarding your quality of life and what solution you feel is best for you.

Given what you are enduring, are you completely comfortable with your decision?

I wish you peace in whatever decision you come to. I'm so, so sorry for what you are suffering. So sorry.

 

[Bone]

it's very hard once you begin to see/feel there really isn't any hope to turn it around. i am right there with you. just feels like a matter of time delaying the inevitable.

 

[nautilus]

With the conditions you have just described I feel you have the right to make a decision regarding your quality of life and what solution you feel is best for you.

Given what you are enduring, are you completely comfortable with your decision?

I wish you peace in whatever decision you come to. I'm so, so sorry for what you are suffering. So sorry.

I can't say I'm completely comfortable with it - no. But there is no other way forward. It's not SI, its grief for life when I loved and enjoyed it.My friends.. and family... even though it's distanced me from them. But thanks for your kind words. It's very much appreciated! Xx

it's very hard once you begin to see/feel there really isn't any hope to turn it around. i am right there with you. just feels like a matter of time delaying the inevitable.

Indeed it does. Im scared for complications, actually getting the only exit that feels right. It's a terrible place to be... but hey ho. One day it will be over.

So sorry you have to go through this. I relate to so many of your issues, especially the scarring. Sorry about your cat, it's not easy to experience lost when you already feel isolated. Sending love and virtual hugs from me xx xx

Thank you so much for a kind reply. Yeah scarring is hard. Virtual hugs back! Xx

 

[dropintheocean]

Oh my god... my life is utter hell. If anyone saw my original story post, well... the short story is I have bad Lyme Disease and it messes with your brain chemistry and you end up doing things you would never do. I jumped off a bridge, survived but have severe PTSD now for 5 years. I really messed up my appearance. This has wasted my 40s. Im nearly 50 and have minus -100 confidence now that I will never recover from. Just seeing my scarred face and body makes me nauseous. All my friends have drifted off and settled down. I can't face the future so I know what actions I have to take... but the thought of more months like this while I accrue the money just seems torturous. My best non-human friend, my cat just died. More than heartbreaking and has only added to my grief and alienation. Life was beautiful before all this bit it's gone. All gone. I feel like im loosing my mind. Out of respect for my loved ones I have to take the most peaceful and easiest exit ... N ... and that is not easy and expensive. Just venting. Every second is torture.

Hi Nautilus! Im so sorry. How are you now? I think I saw you commenting a vad clinic post, maybe pegasos? Sorry if my memory is wrong. Did you ever apply for vad in any of those clinics?

 

[nautilus]

No, it seems to be off limits financially. I just there was an off switch to press. I think it will be N, in the end.... as much as i would prefer vad! Thanks fir your reply xx

 

[Westbrynn]

Oh, I feel it so much. It's painful and tiring. I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[nautilus]

And, in answerto your question, life is even more intolerable. I just spent a month on a psych ward. Ive come out more sick physically and weaker generally. It is hardto walk. Plus, I had the awful revelation that rather than Lyme disease, I have chronic Barteonelosis - caught from my beloved cat who passed in May and im still grieving heavily but its becone so fucked up. Yes, its rare but you can get a chronic brain and body infection from your cat. I just can't believe it. Life seems so cruel and bizarre. Not her fault, of course, but why we live in a world filled with nasty, oportunistic pathogens, I don't know. I have no faith in anything anymore. I do see the beauty in the world still, but im in a glass cage forever.

Hugs to Westbrynn x

Oh, I feel it so much. It's painful and tiring. I'm sorry for your suffering.

 

[dropintheocean]

And, in answerto your question, life is even more intolerable. I just spent a month on a psych ward. Ive come out more sick physically and weaker generally. It is hardto walk. Plus, I had the awful revelation that rather than Lyme disease, I have chronic Barteonelosis - caught from my beloved cat who passed in May and im still grieving heavily but its becone so fucked up. Yes, its rare but you can get a chronic brain and body infection from your cat. I just can't believe it. Life seems so cruel and bizarre. Not her fault, of course, but why we live in a world filled with nasty, oportunistic pathogens, I don't know. I have no faith in anything anymore. I do see the beauty in the world still, but im in a glass cage forever.

Hugs to Westbrynn x

Hi Nautilus! Thank you for your reply! I didnt get notification so I just now noticed your reply. Im so sorry! I feel similar to you. Suffering with severe physical illness. Im trying to apply for vad, not sure if it works. Will have to try though. I know something about those infections; antibiotix, cowden/buhner protocol for those infections. You have probably tried those treatments already..