it is so confusing to me that it is allowed for people to take power way from you on the basis of mental illness and tell you that you can't make decisions. I feel like no matter what else is happening I have always still been able to think clearly and I've known my own mind and what I wanted. And just because other people didn't agree with what I wanted for myself, they wanted to tell me I was crazy and I had no capacity, like my autonomy is just worth nothing anymore. And if I hint that I am thinking about suicide people want to tell me that I am unwell again. and this makes no sense to me. because I am still myself and I can still think clearly, and what gives anyone the right to say I can't?
It is so frustrating to me that I have to feel afraid all the time that some doctor, or someone in my family is gonna hear me say something or watch me do something and decide "that's it, she's ill again" and then suddenly everything is out of my hands and I have no choices and I'm trapped in the worst situation. the times I've been in hospital, all the things that are completely reasonable, like being afraid and needing to move to reduce anxiety, or wanting to be somewhere safe are just viewed as part of my craziness so I get punished for things that most people take for granted. like in the hospital i used to feel really afraid sometimes, and I would want to sit against the wall with the wardrobe beside me because it made me feel less scared, and the nurses would get so angry and take all the furniture out the room, and half the time they'd end up dragging me across the room too, and if I protested because I don't want random people touching me and dragging me and hurting me then they would hit the alarm and everyone would come rushing in so they can pin me down and give me another injection.
and when I was upset, they would tell me that because I was upset it was reasonable for them to be pinning me on the ground. and they would keep this restraint chair in my room all the time because any time I was crying or I wanted to walk around they would come swarming in and they would literally hold me in the chair for hours. and it was so disgusting because I would be literally covered in their sweat because they were using so much force to hold me down, and i was so afraid and just wanted them to get off me, and then inevitably it would be another injection.
and now doctors love to tell me that it is not realistic for me to stay out of hospital and that no matter how much i am trying, I'm gonna keep going back in for the rest of my life, because that is just the nature of my "illness". and that I need to have less ambitious goals for myself because with my "illness" they are not realistic anymore even though all I want is to live alone and to go to uni. and all my old friends are so far out of education now, but the last four years i have just been stagnating because every plan I make gets messed up because someone else gets to decide I'm "ill" and I need to be locked up again.
I don't know if this makes sense but I just feel so tired right now and it is hard because I feel so guilty about hurting my mum, but at the same time, a life in and out of hospital, with people deciding for me that I can no longer think for myself is not a life I want. and I don't think i should have to feel guilty for not wanting that. but most people just don't understand what it is like to feel this powerless, but also to know that i am powerless and it is not even my decision. i'm really struggling to overcome SI right now but i can't give up because when i look at my reality, i can't let this happen again. and now that I am labelled as "ill" and crazy no one believes anything i say and no one trusts me and this scares me so much. because there is literally nothing i can do or say to change their minds if they want me in hospital. and I know that death is better than hospital.
It is so frustrating to me that I have to feel afraid all the time that some doctor, or someone in my family is gonna hear me say something or watch me do something and decide "that's it, she's ill again" and then suddenly everything is out of my hands and I have no choices and I'm trapped in the worst situation. the times I've been in hospital, all the things that are completely reasonable, like being afraid and needing to move to reduce anxiety, or wanting to be somewhere safe are just viewed as part of my craziness so I get punished for things that most people take for granted. like in the hospital i used to feel really afraid sometimes, and I would want to sit against the wall with the wardrobe beside me because it made me feel less scared, and the nurses would get so angry and take all the furniture out the room, and half the time they'd end up dragging me across the room too, and if I protested because I don't want random people touching me and dragging me and hurting me then they would hit the alarm and everyone would come rushing in so they can pin me down and give me another injection.
and when I was upset, they would tell me that because I was upset it was reasonable for them to be pinning me on the ground. and they would keep this restraint chair in my room all the time because any time I was crying or I wanted to walk around they would come swarming in and they would literally hold me in the chair for hours. and it was so disgusting because I would be literally covered in their sweat because they were using so much force to hold me down, and i was so afraid and just wanted them to get off me, and then inevitably it would be another injection.
and now doctors love to tell me that it is not realistic for me to stay out of hospital and that no matter how much i am trying, I'm gonna keep going back in for the rest of my life, because that is just the nature of my "illness". and that I need to have less ambitious goals for myself because with my "illness" they are not realistic anymore even though all I want is to live alone and to go to uni. and all my old friends are so far out of education now, but the last four years i have just been stagnating because every plan I make gets messed up because someone else gets to decide I'm "ill" and I need to be locked up again.
I don't know if this makes sense but I just feel so tired right now and it is hard because I feel so guilty about hurting my mum, but at the same time, a life in and out of hospital, with people deciding for me that I can no longer think for myself is not a life I want. and I don't think i should have to feel guilty for not wanting that. but most people just don't understand what it is like to feel this powerless, but also to know that i am powerless and it is not even my decision. i'm really struggling to overcome SI right now but i can't give up because when i look at my reality, i can't let this happen again. and now that I am labelled as "ill" and crazy no one believes anything i say and no one trusts me and this scares me so much. because there is literally nothing i can do or say to change their minds if they want me in hospital. and I know that death is better than hospital.
