mental health impairment due to loneliness

[[HNO]]

i feel like my sanity slowly drift apart. that once when i turn off the lights in my room, demons from my subconscious emerge, all my horrors become real. unfortunately these horrors are by nature related to sheol or hell, physical tortures and ghoulish abominations lusting for your blood, dismembering you in total darkness for sins you committed, your stupidity, egoism and weakness, for mistakes and wrong choices you did. whenever i go to bed i want to someone to be by my side, just to assure that all's going to be okay and that i'm safe, nothing bad going happen and etc, my imagination won't turn against me.
sometimes frustration that this need probably will never be satisfied hits me and thought that eventually i'll lost my mind and reality i perceived as is and granted will no longer exist, because chemistry in my body in the end was totally fucked by fear stemming from loneliness, it's pulling me to rush to off myself in the middle of night. but in this case i wouldn't die as i wanted so, because only choice i've now is to sneak in a shed and hang myself in surrounding pitch-dark darkness, it's repulsive to me, even though it's only way to prove that i'm not a coward who overcomplicates things
im starting to regret that chose to being shut in stuffy home almost all day rotting in my room before computer w/ family i hate instead of being free from them at least 8 hours per day as i go in uni or go to job and shit even though my role in whenever collective i've got in is a waste of space, i wasn't bullied but always ignored unless i did things specially to draw attention and when i ceased to do so in the high school i was no more than occupied space on a rear desk. i'm in my late 19 heading to my 20's but just that several years after dropped out from school were enough to totally screw me

 

[broken_songbird]

I have a hard time in the dark too. Silence brings horrific memories to the forefront. I hate my brain for not realizing that I've suffered enough. So I fill the silence and darkness with distractions. Can't fall asleep without noise.

So my question to you is this: Will you be able to not freak out long enough to go through with it under those circumstances? When folks ctb, the body will involuntarily thrash and attempt to escape, even while unconscious. So is it wise to try to ctb in a dark, quiet shed all alone? If you're already intensely uncomfortable under those conditions, it may not be reasonable to assume you'll be able to ctb. I'm asking and bring this up to you because if you try and fail, the physical damage from hanging can't be fixed. You could end up in a wheelchair requiring every aspect of care from the family you hate, completely powerless to finish what you started.

When I did medical research in uni, I met a schizophrenic guy who survived shooting himself in the head. His life had become way worse, he was far more disabled and he was being constantly monitored.

 

[[HNO]]

I have a hard time in the dark too. Silence brings horrific memories to the forefront. I hate my brain for not realizing that I've suffered enough. So I fill the silence and darkness with distractions. Can't fall asleep without noise.

So my question to you is this: Will you be able to not freak out long enough to go through with it under those circumstances? When folks ctb, the body will involuntarily thrash and attempt to escape, even while unconscious. So is it wise to try to ctb in a dark, quiet shed all alone? If you're already intensely uncomfortable under those conditions, it may not be reasonable to assume you'll be able to ctb. I'm asking and bring this up to you because if you try and fail, the physical damage from hanging can't be fixed. You could end up in a wheelchair requiring every aspect of care from the family you hate, completely powerless to finish what you started.

When I did medical research in uni, I met a schizophrenic guy who survived shooting himself in the head. His life had become way worse, he was far more disabled and he was being constantly monitored.

thanks for the reply
basically im getting several times per week when i can to off myself but i always put off this due to several circumstances, as this moments just occasional glimmers of luck and not a rule, fam working regime just not fixed and distant family members come in home at times. so whatever method i choose chance to fail always persist. this is why i avoid hanging and look for access to secluded area but i've no money either for personal garage or resolve to run away from home and haphazardly seek this place outside of city(which is overcrowded), so i kinda stuck here

 

[broken_songbird]

thanks for the reply
basically im getting several times per week when i can to off myself but i always put off this due to several circumstances, as this moments just occasional glimmers of luck and not a rule, fam working regime just not fixed and distant family members come in home at times. so whatever method i choose chance to fail always persist. this is why i avoid hanging and look for access to secluded area but i've no money either for personal garage or resolve to run away from home and haphazardly seek this place outside of city(which is overcrowded), so i kinda stuck here

That sucks. A lot. I'm so sorry. There's nothing that drives me crazier faster than being stuck. Well, and the unempathetic blowhards who try to tell me to hang in there. Being trapped is being trapped. And I agree, the last thing you want is to be interrupted. I'm sorry you're suffering, but I'm glad you're not being hasty about how to change it.

Can I offer one thing? I'm not calling it a solution by any means. I've moved a million times now and it's not a solution for me anymore. BUT, when I was 22 my situation was similar to yours. I was still dependent on an abusive family and had also wandered into a group of the wrong friends. I answered an employment ad to work at the Grand Canyon for Xanterra parks. They provide cheap meals and housing (with a roommate usually, but covid has changed that somewhat) and are the concessionaires at several national parks. Since they are often desperate for employees, transfers can be easy too. They drug test upon hire, so if you smoke weed, you'll need to know how to get around that, which a lot of people do no problem.

Please forgive me if this is a sucky offering. It's yours to reject voraciously, if you want. I'm presenting it because for me at 22, it turned a horrible time into an adventure, got me out of the grip of my awful family, showed me a new option when I was heartbroken enough to want to die. Because I get bored quickly, I changed jobs with that company every couple months. Making friends as an adult fucking sucks, but at 22 when I was surrounded by hundreds of other misfits who escaped the larger world in the same way I had, there were friendships waiting. Two of those people remained my closest friends for years, until life separated us the way it tends to do. Don't get me wrong: at 42 I'm certain that ctb is the only option I have left. But I'm grateful for the experiences I forced myself to pursue.

The other beautiful thing about national parks is the vast expanse of wilderness where solitude can be found. So if you can get there and still decide that ctb is the best option, you'll have a better opportunity to follow through.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and overwhelming what you are going through, I'm sorry that you suffer. I think that it's horrible how life is capable of torturing us in so many ways. I wish you the best.

 

[[HNO]]

That sucks. A lot. I'm so sorry. There's nothing that drives me crazier faster than being stuck. Well, and the unempathetic blowhards who try to tell me to hang in there. Being trapped is being trapped. And I agree, the last thing you want is to be interrupted. I'm sorry you're suffering, but I'm glad you're not being hasty about how to change it.

Can I offer one thing? I'm not calling it a solution by any means. I've moved a million times now and it's not a solution for me anymore. BUT, when I was 22 my situation was similar to yours. I was still dependent on an abusive family and had also wandered into a group of the wrong friends. I answered an employment ad to work at the Grand Canyon for Xanterra parks. They provide cheap meals and housing (with a roommate usually, but covid has changed that somewhat) and are the concessionaires at several national parks. Since they are often desperate for employees, transfers can be easy too. They drug test upon hire, so if you smoke weed, you'll need to know how to get around that, which a lot of people do no problem.

Please forgive me if this is a sucky offering. It's yours to reject voraciously, if you want. I'm presenting it because for me at 22, it turned a horrible time into an adventure, got me out of the grip of my awful family, showed me a new option when I was heartbroken enough to want to die. Because I get bored quickly, I changed jobs with that company every couple months. Making friends as an adult fucking sucks, but at 22 when I was surrounded by hundreds of other misfits who escaped the larger world in the same way I had, there were friendships waiting. Two of those people remained my closest friends for years, until life separated us the way it tends to do. Don't get me wrong: at 42 I'm certain that ctb is the only option I have left. But I'm grateful for the experiences I forced myself to pursue.

The other beautiful thing about national parks is the vast expanse of wilderness where solitude can be found. So if you can get there and still decide that ctb is the best option, you'll have a better opportunity to follow through.

thanks.
unfortunately i'm in a third world so it's not applicable, but i'll figure out somewhat ways to get a potentially fulfilling work as i still didn't looked for one. or maybe i'll decide upon ctb after i got some form of independence, at least mental as i've severe problems with exerting self control and following discipline. though most of the jobs already ruled out as govt. issued mental disability status

 

[theboy]

Me 2

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

That sucks. A lot. I'm so sorry. There's nothing that drives me crazier faster than being stuck. Well, and the unempathetic blowhards who try to tell me to hang in there. Being trapped is being trapped. And I agree, the last thing you want is to be interrupted. I'm sorry you're suffering, but I'm glad you're not being hasty about how to change it.

Can I offer one thing? I'm not calling it a solution by any means. I've moved a million times now and it's not a solution for me anymore. BUT, when I was 22 my situation was similar to yours. I was still dependent on an abusive family and had also wandered into a group of the wrong friends. I answered an employment ad to work at the Grand Canyon for Xanterra parks. They provide cheap meals and housing (with a roommate usually, but covid has changed that somewhat) and are the concessionaires at several national parks. Since they are often desperate for employees, transfers can be easy too. They drug test upon hire, so if you smoke weed, you'll need to know how to get around that, which a lot of people do no problem.

Please forgive me if this is a sucky offering. It's yours to reject voraciously, if you want. I'm presenting it because for me at 22, it turned a horrible time into an adventure, got me out of the grip of my awful family, showed me a new option when I was heartbroken enough to want to die. Because I get bored quickly, I changed jobs with that company every couple months. Making friends as an adult fucking sucks, but at 22 when I was surrounded by hundreds of other misfits who escaped the larger world in the same way I had, there were friendships waiting. Two of those people remained my closest friends for years, until life separated us the way it tends to do. Don't get me wrong: at 42 I'm certain that ctb is the only option I have left. But I'm grateful for the experiences I forced myself to pursue.

The other beautiful thing about national parks is the vast expanse of wilderness where solitude can be found. So if you can get there and still decide that ctb is the best option, you'll have a better opportunity to follow through.

Working in a park sounds really nice… If I was young and actually had an ounce of motivation… But I like the idea

 

[broken_songbird]

thanks.
unfortunately i'm in a third world so it's not applicable, but i'll figure out somewhat ways to get a potentially fulfilling work as i still didn't looked for one. or maybe i'll decide upon ctb after i got some form of independence, at least mental as i've severe problems with exerting self control and following discipline. though most of the jobs already ruled out as govt. issued mental disability status

That's awful. Horrible. I am SO sorry. Being a prisoner anywhere is unfair and inhumane. I haven't been able to work for the last few years for similar reasons. The government can do that to you?!

Working in a park sounds really nice… If I was young and actually had an ounce of motivation… But I like the idea

It was a cool experience. You're right though: age and motivation matter so much.

 

[[HNO]]

That's awful. Horrible. I am SO sorry. Being a prisoner anywhere is unfair and inhumane. I haven't been able to work for the last few years for similar reasons. The government can do that to you?!

It was a cool experience. You're right though: age and motivation matter so much.

they issued this at childhood after i got through psychiatrist apparatus before i told my friend that i want to off myself at 10. he spread it across the school so i'd wind up at mental institution. but they kept me unaware for some reason that i could submit for monthly disability moneys so i didn't know about already issued status till 16

 

[broken_songbird]

Jesus. They branded you as a little kid. Is there any way for you to leave? That's so unfair.

 

[[HNO]]

Jesus. They branded you as a little kid. Is there any way for you to leave? That's so unfair.

one of accessible options is via remote job. doing projects on computer for money and moving out to rent and taking care for yourself. another is pursuing a trade job

 

[broken_songbird]

Yeah, those are kinda my options too. For me it feels like another struggle for nothing, so on some level, I get it. I'm so sorry.