Mental Health and CTB

[Lostsoul333]

A little background about me: I've been deeply depressed for over a decade now. The last few years have been the worst. I got divorced and am currently staying with my parents for awhile. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My family is great and they love/support me.
I have several mental health issues to include PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. All of these together make life very difficult. I wake up in the morning and cry that I am still alive.
Yesterday I had a sudden thought to hang myself while my parents were away from the house for a few hours. I got things situated to hang myself but my heart started pounding and I had a panic attack. Meanwhile my dog was watching me with a concerned look. Between my panic attack and my dog staring at me I didn't end up hanging myself.
I still want to die but am trying to figure out a plan that works best for me. I'm thinking about overdosing on heroin or fent pills back at my apartment. This way it'll be less traumatic for my parents as they won't find me dead. I don't know anymore… all I do know is that I already feel so dead and hallow inside. I've been just existing for years, not living - I'm tired.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so thank you for reading.

 

[enough of this]

A little background about me: I've been deeply depressed for over a decade now. The last few years have been the worst. I got divorced and am currently staying with my parents for awhile. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My family is great and they love/support me.
I have several mental health issues to include PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. All of these together make life very difficult. I wake up in the morning and cry that I am still alive.
Yesterday I had a sudden thought to hang myself while my parents were away from the house for a few hours. I got things situated to hang myself but my heart started pounding and I had a panic attack. Meanwhile my dog was watching me with a concerned look. Between my panic attack and my dog staring at me I didn't end up hanging myself.
I still want to die but am trying to figure out a plan that works best for me. I'm thinking about overdosing on heroin or fent pills back at my apartment. This way it'll be less traumatic for my parents as they won't find me dead. I don't know anymore… all I do know is that I already feel so dead and hallow inside. I've been just existing for years, not living - I'm tired.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so thank you for reading.

Our conditions are the same, and our stories are very similar. You have ME to talk to about this. Please feel free to start a conversation with me. I'm here for you.

 

[The anhedonic one]

So sorry you are feeling like this. I have clinical depression and bipolar type 1, so I know all too well that feeling of being dead inside.

 

[Lostsoul333]

Our conditions are the same, and our stories are very similar. You have ME to talk to about this. Please feel free to start a conversation with me. I'm here for you.

Thank you so much for your offer to chat. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same issues. My family doesn't understand how I can feel alone when I'm around them. Quite frankly, neither do I. I've reached a point that ctb seems like the only solution to my problems. Staying alive for my family feels like a death sentence in itself. If we were able to show everyone how much pain we are in on the inside they would wonder how we are still alive. Sending love your way friend!

So sorry you are feeling like this. I have clinical depression and bipolar type 1, so I know all too well that feeling of being dead inside.

Thank you for your kind words. I'm also sorry you're feeling the same way. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have mental health issues how empty, lonely and dead I feel inside. My soul is tired of "being strong" for my family and my dog. I just want to close my eyes and rest forever.

 

[theslasher]

A little background about me: I've been deeply depressed for over a decade now. The last few years have been the worst. I got divorced and am currently staying with my parents for awhile. I'm absolutely heartbroken. My family is great and they love/support me.
I have several mental health issues to include PTSD, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder. All of these together make life very difficult. I wake up in the morning and cry that I am still alive.
Yesterday I had a sudden thought to hang myself while my parents were away from the house for a few hours. I got things situated to hang myself but my heart started pounding and I had a panic attack. Meanwhile my dog was watching me with a concerned look. Between my panic attack and my dog staring at me I didn't end up hanging myself.
I still want to die but am trying to figure out a plan that works best for me. I'm thinking about overdosing on heroin or fent pills back at my apartment. This way it'll be less traumatic for my parents as they won't find me dead. I don't know anymore… all I do know is that I already feel so dead and hallow inside. I've been just existing for years, not living - I'm tired.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this so thank you for reading.

what would happen if you told your parents how you felt?

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds so awful what you've had to endure and it must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation but anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

 

[The anhedonic one]

Thank you so much for your offer to chat. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same issues. My family doesn't understand how I can feel alone when I'm around them. Quite frankly, neither do I. I've reached a point that ctb seems like the only solution to my problems. Staying alive for my family feels like a death sentence in itself. If we were able to show everyone how much pain we are in on the inside they would wonder how we are still alive. Sending love your way friend!

Thank you for your kind words. I'm also sorry you're feeling the same way. It's hard to explain to someone who doesn't have mental health issues how empty, lonely and dead I feel inside. My soul is tired of "being strong" for my family and my dog. I just want to close my eyes and rest forever.

I'm so sorry.

 

[Lostsoul333]

what would happen if you told your parents how you felt?

This is a good question!
I have told them several times I've been thinking about suicide. They hug me and ask if there is anything they can do to help make me feel better. I always tell them there isn't anything they can do. I don't think they know what to do/say anymore.

I told them I'd they have me committed I'll never talk to them again.

I feel bad telling them I want to die because I'm their only child and I can see it breaks their hearts. They're such good people and I hate hurting them like this. :(

 

[theslasher]

This is a good question!
I have told them several times I've been thinking about suicide. They hug me and ask if there is anything they can do to help make me feel better. I always tell them there isn't anything they can do. I don't think they know what to do/say anymore.

I told them I'd they have me committed I'll never talk to them again.

I feel bad telling them I want to die because I'm their only child and I can see it breaks their hearts. They're such good people and I hate hurting them like this. :(

Dang, my only reasoning for wanting to CTB is my terrible siblings who bully me for existing. But I love my parents though. If you love your parents and have nothing against them, then what in the world would make you want to CTB?

(edit: sorry if that question is too personal)

 

[Lostsoul333]

I'm so sorry.

Thank you - If it's ok, I'll message you later. Btw, I love your username!

Dang, my only reasoning for wanting to CTB is my terrible siblings who bully me for existing. But I love my parents though. If you love your parents and have nothing against them, then what in the world would make you want to CTB?

I'm really sorry your siblings are so cruel to you. Me wanting to ctb has nothing to do with my parents. They're great people and I love them with all my heart.

Though out my life I have endured lots of trauma that has changed me on many levels.
I was raped at 17 by a male "friend" of mine, sexually assaulted by my best friend's brother, physically/mentally abused in a relationship for years, wasted years on opiate addiction, I sold my body for opiates countless times, I have several mental health conditions that make living difficult, and I recently got divorced from the man I thought I would grow old with.
While I'm no longer in active addiction I still think about how those pills were the only thing that made life "better". I tried ketamine therapy for my depression but it hasn't helped.

I have ZERO friends and no purpose in life. I wake up everyday and cry that I'm still alive.

 

[theslasher]

Thank you - If it's ok, I'll message you later. Btw, I love your username!

I'm really sorry your siblings are so cruel to you. Me wanting to ctb has nothing to do with my parents. They're great people and I love them with all my heart.

Though out my life I have endured lots of trauma that has changed me on many levels.
I was raped at 17 by a male "friend" of mine, sexually assaulted by my best friend's brother, physically/mentally abused in a relationship for years, wasted years on opiate addiction, I sold my body for opiates countless times, I have several mental health conditions that make living difficult, and I recently got divorced from the man I thought I would grow old with.
While I'm no longer in active addiction I still think about how those pills were the only thing that made life "better". I tried ketamine therapy for my depression but it hasn't helped.

I have ZERO friends and no purpose in life. I wake up everyday and cry that I'm still alive.

I'm sorry to hear that, I guess it's not as simple as just distancing yourself from those people because that trauma can take a lot of time to heal from (if ever). I wish men didn't do that, I have a sister and 2 nieces and I'd never want anyone to treat them that way so I'd never treat another woman that way. But I guess not all men understand that.

It seems these men have given you the false impression that the only value you have is the physical pleasure you can give to others, but that is completely false. One, those are not real men, those are addicts who don't care about anyone else but themselves and that is disgusting behavior. Two, you have so much more value and purpose than what those dumbass guys saw. It's wild how much our society focuses on sex without procreation when there's so much more to life.

You value is not always seen by others, but just because one person cannot see it does not mean it's not there. I have no real friends in life either, people in general seem to backstab me and disrespect me as soon as they get the chance. So I've learned to let those people go. The extreme social anxiety caused by my siblings still seems to take a toll on me, but as I've distanced myself from them it seems it's fading away slowly.

Drugs are not a great solution as they are only temporary pleasure, but in the long term make you depressed. When you overload your dopamine receptors in your brain, you will naturally feel depressed afterwards. By restricting those things that give you instant pleasure, you can naturally feel happier, almost high on life. And the mundane will gradually become fun.

I have a few people in my life like my coworkers, but we never actually hangout, so basically I have no friends either. So message me if you ever want to talk, even it it's just venting about this fucked up world, or just anything at all in the world that you'd want to do before you die.

 

[Lostsoul333]

It really sounds so awful what you've had to endure and it must be so tiring feeling trapped in that situation but anyway I hope that you eventually find freedom from your suffering.

Thank you so much - I hope you find peace as well.

I'm sorry to hear that, I guess it's not as simple as just distancing yourself from those people because that trauma can take a lot of time to heal from (if ever). I wish men didn't do that, I have a sister and 2 nieces and I'd never want anyone to treat them that way so I'd never treat another woman that way. But I guess not all men understand that.

It seems these men have given you the false impression that the only value you have is the physical pleasure you can give to others, but that is completely false. One, those are not real men, those are addicts who don't care about anyone else but themselves and that is disgusting behavior. Two, you have so much more value and purpose than what those dumbass guys saw. It's wild how much our society focuses on sex without procreation when there's so much more to life.

You value is not always seen by others, but just because one person cannot see it does not mean it's not there. I have no real friends in life either, people in general seem to backstab me and disrespect me as soon as they get the chance. So I've learned to let those people go. The extreme social anxiety caused by my siblings still seems to take a toll on me, but as I've distanced myself from them it seems it's fading away slowly.

Drugs are not a great solution as they are only temporary pleasure, but in the long term make you depressed. When you overload your dopamine receptors in your brain, you will naturally feel depressed afterwards. By restricting those things that give you instant pleasure, you can naturally feel happier, almost high on life. And the mundane will gradually become fun.

I have a few people in my life like my coworkers, but we never actually hangout, so basically I have no friends either. So message me if you ever want to talk, even it it's just venting about this fucked up world, or just anything at all in the world that you'd want to do before you die.

Wow, this brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for taking time to reply to me, especially with such kindness.
You're right, my value is deeper than my outward appearance. I do wish men/women cared less about appearance and more about what's inside.
Nowadays so many people have had work done that it makes me feel ugly for not getting face fillers or whatever. The standards of beauty are insanely high and unattainable for most. I'm sick of how fake the people and the world has become. Thanks for face filters we all feel ugly without them which is sad.

I'm sorry you have such horrible social anxiety from you siblings. I was bullied in school and by my older male cousin growing up so I understand a little bit. It sounds like your siblings were relentless and I'm sorry for that. You seem like a wonderful person - you didn't deserve that.

You're absolutely correct about my dopamine level being low right now as I am only 65 days sober. I've always been really depressed though. It's hard for me to be sober because I hate my life. I used to exercise but have stopped doing that because I'm so down. It's like, I know what could help me feel less depressed but I have no motivation to do any of those things.
So many people are lonely in this world. I'm thankful for this site because it makes me feel a little less alone meeting awesome people like you! Thanks again for your kind, validating words. Sending love your way!

I'm so sorry.

Thank you. I'm sorry you're struggling too. Sending love your way.