I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia at age 20, before my illness I was studying in UK and had plenty of friends at University and at work (worked fast food chain). I was often smoking weed, working out at the gym, watching movies and playing video games. Out of nowhere i started to suspect that my housemates were trying somehow to hurt me, everything they said I thought it was related to me (like innuendo, double meaning). I started to suspect that I am paying rent not to my landlord but to them. I started to get delusional and started to think that my father used to rape me as a child (which isn't true) and that my family belonged to mafia. I started to talk inappropriately to girls and touch them at the club because i developed not only psychosis but mania also and my libido was skyrocketing. One night I was walking from a shop with alcohol my our house and i touched a butt of one my housemate's friends and she called a police and my sister called an ambulance. I got arrested instead taken to mental hospital. I was released home with a warning from a police department and I kept on my delusions and soon I found myself evicted and homeless. University gave me a room to stay until my mom came from abroad and took me to home country. Then I was hospitalized and put on some heavy anti-psychotic medication that I became lethargic, apathetic to everything, lost my libido and developed cloudy mind.
I spent one year in my home country resting and working some public jobs like working at a park etc. Medication seemed working with a lot of side effects and finally decided to return to UK to finish my last year of university. I thought I would never become psychotic and the first day I moved into university's accommodation I decided finally have some weed for the first time in a year and guess what? It made me psychotic, but I had benzodiapines to calm me down, so that meant I couldn't smoke weed in my life anymore without turning paranoid and psychotic.
The year went alright, with some bumps but I finally made it - I graduated from university. I decided to stay in UK for two more years and got employed in a really good burger restaurant, I managed to lose all my extra weight, I looked like proper bodybuilder, I wasn't depressed, I was actually happy. Sometimes I had some panic attacks, but it usually passed.
So I started to think I don't need medication so I called with the NHS and asked to stop medication, they let me choose between tapering off and cold turkey, I chose tapering off because I did not want the side effects of stopping. I became psychotic again, I started to hallucinate shadow people and some kind ghosts, I lost track of time, I quit my job and my sister booked a flight back to my home country. I did not believe that i managed to get home that psychotic and delusional. The first night I got home, I started to see my my mother shifting and starting to look like my own face, I literally thought she was a witch and wanted to give me heroin (which was valerian extract) to sleep and be raped, so I kicked out the door and started to run 4 miles across the muddy field across countryside and soon I called the police as my mother did also, soon I was arrested and taken to hospital for involuntary admission.
After the hospitalization I thought I would recover in terms or being able to work and be delusions free... but I was wrong. I got an internship at a arts museum as an intern and was doing some good work, but one day after work I felt this weird feeling going through my body and Major Depression took over me. I was crying out of nowhere and lost touch with anything that gave me interest. I applied to some jobs and got offers from logistic company that offered good salary but I chose to be a pizza baker - stupid huh?(I even moved to the city for that job) I quit on my first day at work cause the wellbutrin that was prescribed to me gave me enormous anxiety. So me and my mom decided me to move in with her again. I started practicing partial hanging and tried to order some SN, I also lived near railway tracks. So not only that I lost everything in UK i managed to get and earn, even In my home country I kept failing to be independent. I have lost all my friends, no one responded to me and does not respond today. Lost a great job that accepted me the way I am. The life looked blissful back then.
So after my 2nd hospitalization I tried to get back on my feet and failed, but wait - one day when my mother returned from work I asked her if she could help me to kill myself and then she panicked and said we should go to a emergency room for some medication to keep me calm. So I agreed not knowing it would be a trap. The moment I got there and told them I want to kill myself they immediately sit me in a ambulance vehicle and I once again was transported to a hospital. There I was put on various anti-depressants and spent a month lying that I am feeling better just to escape the hospital. After a month I got released with escitalopram prescribed to me, I was also taking risperidone with depakote.
After the hospital I was still suicidal, until anti-depressants started working after 4 weeks after hospitalization. I felt better, but now I was staying at home, looking after my grandmother that was at a brink of death and I had to put her on a adult potty, bring her to eat. Later, before her death she became delusional and we brought her to the hospital and later she died. Soon me and my mom moved to her new flat, so I was making some effort to gain some courage to do full hanging, but I failed. I lived with depression and suicidal thoughts without being able to practice and trying partial suspension hanging. I attended my grandmother's funeral and my relatives were critical that I live off my mother's money and do nothing myself. I started hallucinate and in the following months my health deteriorated. SO finally i managed to get employed as a barista in a local coffee bar. Job was alright, but really stressful. I have hand tremor and my hands often shake when I bring one cup of coffee at a time and i got comments like I am hungover or i need a special bringing plate for me. I spilled a lot of drinks and embarrassed myself. I managed to work full time but i was often stressed and slept quite bad from antidepressants.
4 months ago I got psychotic out of nowhere and old delusions returned with mania. Was hospitalized and got prescribed new medication, but my antidepressant medication got taken away. I spent 10 week in a hospital and now recently got back. I moved working part time and I am starting to have suicidal thoughts. I have seen too many people with my illness being moved to care home were they literally spend the rest of their lives there. I am afraid that will happen to me. Also I ask myself if I ever be happy? No one responds me on facebook. All the socialization I do is at work or with my mom. I spend weeks not getting a text or anything. Like said I am afraid of being in a care home, or be hospitalized again, I have spent 6 months in a mental hospital (I am 26 years old). Tomorrow I am planning walking towards my old home in the countryside via railway tracks and maybe building some courage to go under one and if not, I will do full hanging when I get to my old home. Peace.
I spent one year in my home country resting and working some public jobs like working at a park etc. Medication seemed working with a lot of side effects and finally decided to return to UK to finish my last year of university. I thought I would never become psychotic and the first day I moved into university's accommodation I decided finally have some weed for the first time in a year and guess what? It made me psychotic, but I had benzodiapines to calm me down, so that meant I couldn't smoke weed in my life anymore without turning paranoid and psychotic.
The year went alright, with some bumps but I finally made it - I graduated from university. I decided to stay in UK for two more years and got employed in a really good burger restaurant, I managed to lose all my extra weight, I looked like proper bodybuilder, I wasn't depressed, I was actually happy. Sometimes I had some panic attacks, but it usually passed.
So I started to think I don't need medication so I called with the NHS and asked to stop medication, they let me choose between tapering off and cold turkey, I chose tapering off because I did not want the side effects of stopping. I became psychotic again, I started to hallucinate shadow people and some kind ghosts, I lost track of time, I quit my job and my sister booked a flight back to my home country. I did not believe that i managed to get home that psychotic and delusional. The first night I got home, I started to see my my mother shifting and starting to look like my own face, I literally thought she was a witch and wanted to give me heroin (which was valerian extract) to sleep and be raped, so I kicked out the door and started to run 4 miles across the muddy field across countryside and soon I called the police as my mother did also, soon I was arrested and taken to hospital for involuntary admission.
After the hospitalization I thought I would recover in terms or being able to work and be delusions free... but I was wrong. I got an internship at a arts museum as an intern and was doing some good work, but one day after work I felt this weird feeling going through my body and Major Depression took over me. I was crying out of nowhere and lost touch with anything that gave me interest. I applied to some jobs and got offers from logistic company that offered good salary but I chose to be a pizza baker - stupid huh?(I even moved to the city for that job) I quit on my first day at work cause the wellbutrin that was prescribed to me gave me enormous anxiety. So me and my mom decided me to move in with her again. I started practicing partial hanging and tried to order some SN, I also lived near railway tracks. So not only that I lost everything in UK i managed to get and earn, even In my home country I kept failing to be independent. I have lost all my friends, no one responded to me and does not respond today. Lost a great job that accepted me the way I am. The life looked blissful back then.
So after my 2nd hospitalization I tried to get back on my feet and failed, but wait - one day when my mother returned from work I asked her if she could help me to kill myself and then she panicked and said we should go to a emergency room for some medication to keep me calm. So I agreed not knowing it would be a trap. The moment I got there and told them I want to kill myself they immediately sit me in a ambulance vehicle and I once again was transported to a hospital. There I was put on various anti-depressants and spent a month lying that I am feeling better just to escape the hospital. After a month I got released with escitalopram prescribed to me, I was also taking risperidone with depakote.
After the hospital I was still suicidal, until anti-depressants started working after 4 weeks after hospitalization. I felt better, but now I was staying at home, looking after my grandmother that was at a brink of death and I had to put her on a adult potty, bring her to eat. Later, before her death she became delusional and we brought her to the hospital and later she died. Soon me and my mom moved to her new flat, so I was making some effort to gain some courage to do full hanging, but I failed. I lived with depression and suicidal thoughts without being able to practice and trying partial suspension hanging. I attended my grandmother's funeral and my relatives were critical that I live off my mother's money and do nothing myself. I started hallucinate and in the following months my health deteriorated. SO finally i managed to get employed as a barista in a local coffee bar. Job was alright, but really stressful. I have hand tremor and my hands often shake when I bring one cup of coffee at a time and i got comments like I am hungover or i need a special bringing plate for me. I spilled a lot of drinks and embarrassed myself. I managed to work full time but i was often stressed and slept quite bad from antidepressants.
4 months ago I got psychotic out of nowhere and old delusions returned with mania. Was hospitalized and got prescribed new medication, but my antidepressant medication got taken away. I spent 10 week in a hospital and now recently got back. I moved working part time and I am starting to have suicidal thoughts. I have seen too many people with my illness being moved to care home were they literally spend the rest of their lives there. I am afraid that will happen to me. Also I ask myself if I ever be happy? No one responds me on facebook. All the socialization I do is at work or with my mom. I spend weeks not getting a text or anything. Like said I am afraid of being in a care home, or be hospitalized again, I have spent 6 months in a mental hospital (I am 26 years old). Tomorrow I am planning walking towards my old home in the countryside via railway tracks and maybe building some courage to go under one and if not, I will do full hanging when I get to my old home. Peace.
