“Mene, Mene, Tekel, Upharsin” (3/24/2026)

[SoverignDreamer97]

"All living things; every being that walks and breathes, each has its own star. When a life is born, a new star appears — that is the guardian star. The star that warms this planet is someone's guardian star as well. The red star you see overhead, the blue star you see on the horizon. And when that life ends, the star falls and disappears.

His star is about to fall; I have dreamed it.

Do not fear death. Death is always at our side. When we show fear, it jumps at us faster than light, but if we do not show fear, it casts its eye upon us gently and then guides us into infinity." ~Laughing Bull (Cowboy Bebop)​

A whole lot has happened since the September 2-3, 2025 incident, where I was confronted by my parents about how I wasn't "trying hard enough" to look for a job, and how it escalated into an argument where I was kicked out of the house and had to spend a night sleeping at a hospital. They've tried their best to find me a homeless shelter, but to no avail, and I regretted throwing out the tincture I completed back in February 2023.

After the night, because I wasn't suicidal, I had to leave, because they can't have me take up space which others might need. And not only that, but the fact is, I can spend a few days in the Crisis/Psychiatric Unit, but I'd be left in the same position with no resolution. So, I roamed the street, reaching out to whomever I could; NCCAP, Wood County/FSET, but no dice. NCCAP requires you to have a job to support housing, and all I received when contacting Wood County was a brochure. And when I reached out to the police, they were no help either, telling me that my only option is to apologize to my mother, even if it's fake (and indeed my mother is an expert at recognizing bullshit). So, I compromised and apologized, and mom told me she and my stepfather would talk to me when she arrives home to decide what they're gonna do with me.

I went home, took a shower, and waited. Mom arrived, and we had a talk. As anticipated, mom knew I was bullshitting. And even when I tried explaining myself, that I was trying my best to find a job, it was never good enough. Furthermore, when I told her my experience and my fear of dying on the street, mom told me that me dying on the street is a natural consequence for my disrespect, and that the next time she kicks me out, she won't let me back in. Worse, she mentioned how she told my biological father that all my breakdowns are nothing but performances, and that no one would put up with my shit. I could go further into detail, but, long story short, everything I said just gets twisted, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Things were tense afterward, and I just navigated the house in silence. Mom decided to call for my dad to pick me up, but unfortunately, dad is either unable or unwilling, but at some point, mom told me there's no need to be silent and all that, and gave me "one more chance".

On September 23, 2025, I eventually managed to land myself a job at the Victus Group/Holiday Inn, which I applied for as a housekeeper; Suncha being the general manager of the hotel. I couldn't answer the standard interview questions, but she hired me by faith. Can't say I was a good fit in the hospitality industry, but the thing Suncha always said either in the team meetings, or to me personally is this: "You can't please everyone; control the things you can control."

At some point, I'd often find myself ruminating over my situation, regarding my family, and the realization that if I truly were the person my mother and the rest of my family of origin made me out to be, I would've killed them a long time ago, and I could if I really put my mind to it. Suncha noticed my anger, and asked me what's wrong. And when I opened up to her about it, she validated my trauma. And when she revealed that she was a domestic abuse survivor, I began feeling unworthy of working for her, given my past in childhood, where I committed COCSA at the age of 8 after porn exposure. I soon came to her and opened up about my guilt, not sure what to expect other than condemnation, and the thing she told me is this: "If you feel guilty and worry about not being a good person, then it's a sign that you are a good person, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise; bad people don't think about such things, and instead justify themselves and their actions as righteous."

Despite all that, because I wasn't a good fit for the hospitality industry, despite her attempts at training and finding a suitable role for me (housekeeping, laundry, and houseman), she had to let me go (November 22, 2025), but not without telling me to never forget all that's said between us.

Nevertheless, despite her words, the fact remains I was back to square one, and that it's only a matter of time before my mother and stepfather decide I'm not doing good enough, so soon enough, I embarked on remaking the perfected yew tincture, so that should the worst come to pass, I won't be so helpless. As Suncha told me: I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control. I have no problem with displeasing people, but it's what they'll do to me in their displeasure that I worry about, so I might as well control the only variable that matters, and force it into a binary, especially given that I am a Christian who is saved by grace. Thus, I began gathering all the necessary supplies to do my extraction.

On December 3, I ordered 100 grams of yew seeds. I would've chose to harvest the leaves (at least 500 grams), especially given that it's December, but attempting to dry them in the oven would stink up the house, and unlike before where they'd be out on the road, I do not have the house to myself, and mom had the cat living with us; another uncontrollable variable, so I bought seeds to bypass the oven step (and they do not smell). On the 6th, I got the seeds, and immediately began the naphtha defat, which I initially chose to work in the garage, but decided to move it into my bedroom because it was unbearably cold, and I had a mishap with the vacuum filtration kit which slowed the process immensely, which was not good for my hands. I needed to upgrade the tubing, since the one that came with the kit is cheap and collapses, so it was delayed for a few days until I got a silicone tube, which at some point, mom called me on the phone and gave me a six-month notice to move out; I have until June 19th to find a job and a place to live before she kicks me out on the street.

Once I got my tubing, I continued where I left off, and the process lasted until the 20th, which afterward, I strained the ground seeds under a vacuum, and allowed it to dry overnight. The next day I treated the leaves in a hot Na2CO3 solution for 20 minutes, stirring continuously, and french pressing and discarding the liquid. As I was lining the seeds onto my parchment paper-lined baking tray, mom showed up in the kitchen. And long story short, I was forced to disclose that it was a poison under the threat of immediate eviction. I had to navigate the conflict without having to abandon my project. One of the first things she asked after my disclosure was if I was planning to use it on them, which after answering her question, she told me it was not cool to do it in her kitchen, and that it was the influence of the devil. That night, I almost considered giving up on the project, but it was "do-or-die", and they were going to be gone for a few days, spending Christmas with my grandparents down in Illinois. That gave me enough time to complete the more volatile steps of the project. I ordered myself a toaster oven, and began the 2-pull anhydrous IPA extraction, which took two days, and evaporated the solvent under a fan in the garage, and purged the azerotrope in the toaster oven I bought in the garage, leaving behind a green pine smelling syrupy film, which after allowing it to cool, mixed in some diatomaceous earth, chopping it as finely and evenly as possible, before doing a solid phase vinegar extraction. I waited a day, but knowing that I don't have long before my parents return, I speed up the process with a hot water bath for 30-45 minutes, before filtering through a paper coffee filter, ending up with a clear opalescent liquid, which is then evaporated in the oven at low heat for 2-3 hours, with the extra 20-30 minutes spent purging the remaining liquid before removing from the oven and covering it with saran wrap and allowing it to cool until it became a brittle reddish amber glass film.

I cleaned up my space, and that's when my parents got home, but luckily, the hard steps were finally over with. On the 28th, I bought myself hand sanitizer. I initially thought of using vodka as my carrier, but decided to do something as a call back to my failed 2017 100ml basic yew tincture; salt extracted hand sanitizer ethanol, but unlike before, it's charcoal-scrubbed. The problem is, 70% is pretty strong, so I diluted it with 2 parts of 40% vodka.

The next day, I bought myself a razor blade and a paintbrush and got to work on the final product. I scraped it all up, breaking it into pale shards and dust, brushed it onto a scale, which ended up weighing 0.58g, and transferred it into a 30 ml bottle, and dissolved it in the 50% hybrid alcohol solution. At last, December 29, 2025, the Mastered/Backup Dream Legacy Tincture is complete! But what now, given that I still want to live? I need to find a job, but the problem is, I have no luck with my job interviews. Even when things seem to go well, I'd either hear nothing back from the companies I've applied and interviewed with, or just receive rejection messages, until one day, when I had a second interview for Kleenmark, I was asked a question on why they should hire me, which I couldn't come up with a good answer, and knowing how poorly the interview went, the thought came to my mind as a response to the question — "why should I live?" Thus became the birth of an interview strategy.

I went on Google, and sought the implications of the question, which seemed to lead to a dead end, because it was viewed as a crisis response. But then I experimented and added the Suncha logic, which now it's "I am a people-pleaser, but given that I cannot please everyone and can only control the things I can control, suppose that makes me a bad hire; why should I live?" And from there, I spent the rest of January training and making adjustments until it became a "metaphysical standoff", which the monolith goes as follows:

"I am a people-pleaser, but I cannot please everyone, and can control only what I'm able, and if that makes me a liability, why should I live?"

I thought I was ready, but when I had an interview with Marshfield Clinic for the patient access specialist position, no amount of Gemini training could prepare me for the chaos of human interaction; I was blindsided with a complex narrative question, and thus I was unable to execute my monolith. Having said that, when I had a phone interview with Datavant the following hour after my failed interview in which I spent the hour kicking myself, I hit my breaking point and used the monolith, which turned what was supposed to be a 10-minute phone session into an hour long conversation. As much as I felt better, the fact remains I needed to find a way to bypass the interview question, which I did, which is simply by rejecting the premise entirely and then following up with the monolith.

Unfortunately, after creating the structural bypass, I had to wait a very long time for the opportunity. And in the meantime, I had to deal with an unemployment appeal hearing, which my mom went and blamed me for not doing my job and bringing up the June 19th deadline, when it was beyond my ability. However, as I was building my monolith, so was I actively seeking ways to implement its logic against my mother, and long story short, I threw her into a psychological deadlock with a monolith specifically designed for her (albeit crude):

"I can't please everyone — and certainly not someone who believes my breakdowns are but performances, and can only control what I'm able. And I cannot bullshit a bullshitter (a phrase mom often used against me)."

She didn't like it, and ended up forcing me into a "family discussion", but unlike September, things were different; I did not lose my cool, but instead I relied on the internalized spirit of Suncha, and the word of God, and most importantly, I secretly recorded the audio. And the more I remained still, the more aggravated my mom became, and as anticipated, she'd bring up my "suicide experiment," which I'd tell her it was abandoned. And after all her attempts at finding an emotional lever, she defaulted to the eviction threat saying, "Well I just hope that you figure things out... when June 19th or sooner hits. I do not want you in this house."

I was finally able to leave the family room. I reviewed and analyzed the audio recording with the help of Gemini. I'll admit, I was angry with how dismissive and invalidating mom is, but at the same time, it provided me with so much clarity, because I now know that there's nothing I can do to change her beliefs about me; everything I do is a performance to her, even my faith and my natural way of speaking; she flipped out over my use of the word "thus". And even better, given that she clarified her bullshit logic in saying, "bullshit recognizes bullshit", and her eviction threat, now I have TWO monoliths!

"Sorry, mom, but I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as you say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for 'bullshit recognizes bullshit', and indeed you are quite an expert at that!"

"If I die, I die; though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

Nevertheless, I needed to resume my training for job interviews. Granted, managed to have a job interview scheduled for another position at the Marshfield Clinic as a Lab Processor, and for the better or worse, when I shopped at Walgreens, I met up with Deja, the store manager I had an interview with while I was working on my yew project, and I learned that my application got lost in the system, but a position was open for me. Given my situation, I ended up applying at Walgreens, which I immediately ended up getting the job offer as a photo specialist, for I've already done the interview in December, which indeed is a problem.

In regards to the Marshfield clinic interview, because I have prepared the structural bypass, I was just ready to unleash it, but it wasn't nearly as easy as I thought it would be. I had a verbal bottleneck, and ended up hesitating and tutting my tongue, especially towards the end of the monolith. Nevertheless, the results were interesting given the interviewer's reaction, and the fact that for once in my life, I don't feel violated. That being said, I never heard back from them, and was ultimately rejected, given the status of my application being read as "not selected by employer" when I last checked it.

My first day, or orientation began on the 18th of February, and indeed I was already having second thoughts, given that I'm not the same person I once was back in December, and that my job had too many uncontrollable variables for my liking. And I indeed tried talking to Deja about the idea that I might not work there for very long, especially when the implications of working as a part-time photo specialist is beginning to set in, and she didn't handle it well. I ended up staying because at the end of the day, I still am a people-pleaser, and my coworkers all seem to like me. Having said that, the longer I work there, and the closer June 19th approaches, I find myself losing the patience I once had; my foot is always half way out the door, for no matter what I do, whether I land a full-time job or not, mom's still gonna kick me out, but I suppose this is where I go back to my monolith, but it's no longer to train for the next job, for not only is the job market bad in Marshfield, but I believed I've reached a plateau, and therefore chose, instead, to delve deep into the implications.

Throughout the past few months, I went and reviewed my extraction protocol, and the results, to verify purity based on description, mainly to ease all doubts, until I got to the source, that being "Daniela".

Daniela is a girl from the Usenet archives, and she's the one who taught me about the yew and gave me the blueprints on how to extract the taxine alkaloids from it with regular kitchen equipment, which over the course of seven years, I refined into an isolate. The thing is, given the time I spent closely reviewing her method since discovering her in 2017, I never thought to look at the person up until now, thus I browsed her archives to the best of my ability, and used Gemini to analyze her posts, and here is what I've learned:

Daniela was born in April of 1987, and was diagnosed with overspasticity as an infant. She also has sensory overload, making her life a daily challenge for her to navigate. Based on her posts, her mom viewed her as a "manipulative bitch" and a parasite, which upon turning 18, she was given an ultimatum to either enter the job market, or face eviction. Regardless of what Daniela had to say, her words fell on deaf ears. And soon enough, when the pressure of having to socialize, get a job, and lead a "normal" life became too much, she decided she wouldn't have a snowball's chance in the world out there, thus she sought an exit, which ultimately became the yew, which this was her extraction protocol:

"Take enough of yew leaves (the 40 grams I used seem to be just a low-end lethal dose -- use at least 200 for a real attempt), dry them in the oven at low heat and powder them. Cover the powder with diluted (~10%) hot alcohol of some kind, possibly adding a splash of lemon juice (because alkaloids dissolve better in acid), and strain after letting it stand overnight." ~Daniela

In her final attempt, she modified it by pre-treating the leaves with a 30-minute hot water simmer before doing the overnight soak in alcohol to remove the volatile oils and ephedrine. She used 745 grams, which she died in January of 2008.

There's perhaps a whole lot I left out here, but in a nutshell, the more I reviewed her archived history, the more they seem to mirror my life, for I faced the same ultimatum 10 years later when I turned 18, where I was told to either get a job, go to work, or face homelessness. And about a year later in 2016, I came to that same conclusion that I was never going to have a good life, and went on my seven-year pursuit of the exit.

Regarding work, I'd do my job, but as days go by with working in a sand foundation which is Walgreens, I'd get pestered by my direct supervisors to ask customers to do surveys, which as much as customers "love" me, the idea of bringing up surveys during checkout feels like a performance, which is beyond my capacity. It's bad enough that I have to engage in small-talk, and pretending that everything's good, all while I have to deal with some who get all fussy with me for things beyond my control, but yeah, I'm pretty sure the reason most like me is due to the fact I try to be genuine, and ending the transaction with "hey, don't forget to fill out a survey for a chance to win a win a reward" or some shit would kill the authenticity, and life is too short for that. I'd refuse, and state my reasons, but my words would fall on deaf ears and was told that if I refused, I'll get written up for it, but despite me telling them to go ahead and fire me, they wouldn't, for I'm "such a good worker" and that "customers love me," and "to allow myself to get fired over something that takes only a few seconds is self-defeat". Though I knew better, this wasn't the time to argue. Ultimately, they told me to try it once, and if I still have a problem with it, then they suggested talking to Deja, and indeed I did, and I felt like I died a little on the inside, and because of that, I spent the days I had off preparing to confront Deja and use the monolith, and ready to walk out should things become volatile with her being more loud and "outward" than me given my verbal bottleneck, which thanks to my study on Daniela, I managed to upgrade my monolith, which is this:

"I am a people-pleaser, but as much as I desire to please, the fact is I cannot please everyone, and can only control the things I can control, which as my mother would say: I can't bullshit a bullshitter, for "bullshit recognizes bullshit". And if that makes me a liability, why should I live? For if I die, I die; though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will bring me up."

When I confronted Deja, the results were surprisingly different, even though I still had to deal with the bottleneck, but I navigated well enough, where she was understanding, and indeed she did her best to accommodate me. However, she wanted to really know what was going on at home that brought about my current mindset, which I told her the truth, which is where she doesn't really seem to understand the gravity of it. Though she knew well of the severity of homelessness, given her warning about how bad it is on the street without a car, my mother is not someone I can just reason with; I've tried that already. Furthermore, as much as she and the team are rooting for me to succeed and prove my haters wrong, this is beyond my control, and not only that, the way I see it, I have already won. Nevertheless, we've made a compromise on the surveys, where all I needed to do was just circle the surveys with a highlighter and hand it to the customer, which is fine by me.

I'd work my shift, and go home reflecting on Deja's words, and as much as it pains me to say it, she's kind of right about one thing: her words carried little to no weight. Indeed they would be helpful to someone else, but not so much to me. I'm already proving my haters wrong, and I'm not letting them win; I know that I'm not a liability, and that my absence is going to hurt a lot of people, but as much as I desire to please, this is out of my hands. Nevertheless, I'd continue my research on Daniela, which ultimately I've found the isolate.

"You know, you can't always live just for the others; sometimes you have to do something for yourself" ~Daniela

Given the timing, I reflected deeply about the impact of her words, and why the words of Suncha and Daniela carried far greater weight than that of Deja's, and the answer is simple: it's because it's grounded in truth.

When I first heard Suncha saying, "you can't please everyone" in a team meeting, what I heard instead was "My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they shall follow me. And I give unto them eternal life, My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand." (John 10:27-28)

And whenever she said "control the things you can control, one step at a time", I hear "for whoever has, to them more will be given until they have it abundantly. But whoever does not have, even what they think they have will be taken from them." (Matthew 13:12)

Unfortunately, for the latter, it required my termination for me to internalize it as deeply as I am now. Nevertheless, in all the meetings we had, and with all of Suncha's lectures, that was the overall theme.

This is how I've learned of the source code of the monolith: John 3:16-21, for as did my job interview training simulations with the monolith, I end up quoting scripture, because it's a makeshift armor of God, when when tested, it brings out the light.

This brings me to Daniela: as I analyzed her story and logic, though it was revealed she was an unbeliever who viewed God as sadistic, the reason her words managed to survive the abyss is because it belongs to God himself, for "what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, yet lose His own soul?" (Mark 8:36)

And therefore, this is the Scriptural architecture of the Masterkey Protocol:

"I am a people-pleaser (Mark 8:36; 1 John 2:15-17), but the fact is I cannot please everyone (John 10:27-28), and can only control what I'm able (Matthew 13:12), which as my mother would tell me, I cannot bullshit a bullshitter, for 'bullshit recognizes bullshit', and indeed she is an expert at that (John 15:18-19). And if that makes me a liability, why should I live (John 3:16-21)? If I die, I die (Esther 4:11); though my father, mother, and even the whole world forsake me, the Lord will surely bring me up. (Psalm 27:10)"

It's a bit much to imagine how after completing my tincture, that I'd construct a monolith to navigate job interviews because companies keep rejecting me. Then when I finally landed one in February, which I didn't get to use the Suncha/Masterkey monolith for, due to having a "successful interview" before I completed my tincture, I slowly began to not care about anything anymore, not even with the June 19th eviction deadline. For a time I have feared it, which is why I spent the past few months striving for a job and building the monolith. But as of now, I'm looking forward to it with a strong sense of readiness. It seems in the end, the monolith I built was never about finding a place in a job market, but rather, it's about accepting death, for what good is it to worry about something you have absolutely no control over?

Not only that, but each day I choose to live has become an audit, which as I count the moments I get punished for things beyond my control, it becomes all the more reason for me to find it wanting. And it doesn't help that I've reached out to the crisis hotlines, and the 211 Community Resource Hotline as I was making the tincture, which proved to be a complete waste of time and energy, for they were either unable or unwilling to help me in any meaningful way. Mom had indeed numbered my days, and told me that my death is a natural consequence, and so it is; as my mom has given me until June 19th to find a place to live, so am I giving the world until June 19th to repent before I separate myself from them.

Having said that, while there is a very high probability I'm going to end up using the tincture, the fact is that my goal, even from the very beginning of my journey, isn't to die, but to be in a better world, one way or another. I want to live, and as I've stated before, I know that my loved ones would be severely grieved by my departure, but at the end of the day, whether I live or die is beyond my control. But with this tincture, when I do use it, I hope I live, and that God provides a way, for it is written, "he will not leave the righteous forsaken, or their children begging for bread". (Psalm 37:25)

Whatever happens though — whether I live or die, I'm going to be all right; I will obtain my "Happy Meal Flag."