Story Memories

[farakini]

Last night, I spent a few minutes going through my past and listing the worst things I've ever done and the worst things that have happened to me. I was fair in acknowledging the karma I received for things that I've done to people, because of the pain they've caused me deliberately. Even so, I realized that I'm a very good person because of all the great things I've done for people….how selfless I've been, which made ppl take advantage of me. I've forgiven myself, but I can't seem to forget the bad memories. I must admit, I am kinda worried about what awaits me on the other side, even though I've been good and doing good. It's just that lately, I feel like I'm being punished, but other ppl get away unscathed and live to hurt and betray another day. I do believe in God and the afterlife, but if God is as forgiving as ppl say, why should I worry? The thought of Ctb alone in my room and in secret makes me feel lonely and like some sort of a reject. That's why I wonder what other ppl who've ctb, felt in their final minutes. I'm considering leaving earlier but I don't wanna rush things.

 

[greatjustice]

I've thought alot about my past, most of my work in the in the past few weeks have been about looking at the past. I also realize i'm a good person but at the same time that i'm so damaged, so ruin, that I can't let go of all the negatives of the past, my fault or not. I tried to forgive myself but it didn't really work.

I'm glad you could forgive yourself, that is important. Definitely don't rush, really take your time and think some more.

 

[ThereIsNoJustice]

Yes. It is best to Forgive yourself (our trespasses) and others (those who trespass against us).

 

[theboy]

We usually remember more the bad moments and forget the good ones.

 

[FuneralCry]

Memories can be painful as we have to live with the consequences of our actions as long as we stay in this world, we cannot go back in time and change things. Being conscious can be torture. I don't believe in any afterlife at all but I wish you freedom from suffering for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[universe]

Your text is very touching. It's true that it is very painful to remember his life especially when we wish CTB. It sends us back to our suffering of living, to difficult times, to our sadness. Also we take stock of our life, feeling bad for what we have done. Trying to understand what worked or not, what is real or not. To be completely lost in the face of the end of life.

I don't believe in God but I have thought about it. I'm convinced that it's not because a God exists that he would necessarily repress suicide. And even if he did, I think he would forgive me. He would see that I suffered a lot, that I always felt bad, sick, and deeply dead inside myself.
My end is near, and I still wonder how I will feel when I drink the SN. But I am convinced that the passage between life and death is not painful and even rather peaceful and pleasant.