Discussion Meeting someone you love when you know you're probably going to die

[Abbadab]

Anyone else ever been in a similar situation? It feels like such a fucking bummer.

I have bipolar disorder, among a million other things, and I've been suicidally depressed since maybe age 6. I'm 25 now. I've tried every drug/intervention a psychiatrist could possibly come up with over the past 15 years. Countless therapies. I don't have periods of euthymia like most people with mood disorders, only periods of wanting to kms and periods of wanting to kms but in a manic way. Because of the fact, it feels really silly to tell myself to just hold on a little longer. I understand that I'm never getting better.

It's been years of botched attempts, including a failed hanging when I was drunk about a year ago. I've been looking into a proper SN source to make sure I never screw this up again. Even thinking about dating would be an absolute joke.

Cut to about a couple of weeks ago, and I met a guy I actually really care about. He's really handsome, being a dork and always checking in on me, asking me a million questions about myself, and remembering even the dumbest little details of what I say. We sometimes talk for hours and hours about nothing and everything. It's all the schmaltzy garbage straight out of a romance novel.

He has his life together. Decent job. Excited for his career and starting a family. It's obvious he likes me back too.

I guess it was selfish to let him get so close knowing how fucked I am. I don't know why I'd lead on someone destined to have a long amazing life if I want to die so badly. I feel like such an asshole. Hopefully when I explain that I'm messed up he'll lose all interest.

 

[onemorenight]

I, too, have bipolar. I've heard doctors refer to it as a terminal disease since the suicide rates are so high.

I'm like you. I don't want to engage in any romances because eventually I'll hurt them, terribly. Unforgivably. I don't want to reproduce and pass along my mental illnesses.

My father had bipolar as well. Countless attempts.

I wrote this in a manic phase- during a frenzied flight of thoughts.

Terminal Thoughts

Dirtied, my thoughts
Rest without stop;
A familiar stranger
Well-versed in my flaws.

He, too, had these thoughts,
This inherited rot.

It's a matter of when,
Not if,
I'll fall off. ​

I, too, have bipolar. I've heard doctors refer to it as a terminal disease since the suicide rates are so high.

Or perhaps, because it's so treatment-resistant. Exacerbated by the usual go-tos: SSRIs.

Like you, I've tried countless treatments, medications, therapy. I tried so hard to get better.

It never goes away. It's simply who you are. People lie and say, "you're not your mental illness."

Unfortunately, yes, we are. It's part of what makes us.. us.

 

[caninecomposer]

I've tried to find love as my last resort for a somewhat enjoyable life, being supported by someone who can provide the happiness and stability that I can't achieve on my own (in exchange for being their personal chef and maid). I ended up running out of available options in the entire United States on the dating site I use.

 

[Abbadab]

I, too, have bipolar. I've heard doctors refer to it as a terminal disease since the suicide rates are so high.

I'm like you. I don't want to engage in any romances because eventually I'll hurt them, terribly. Unforgivably. I don't want to reproduce and pass along my mental illnesses.

My father had bipolar as well. Countless attempts.

I wrote this in a manic phase- during a frenzied flight of thoughts.

Terminal Thoughts

Dirtied, my thoughts
Rest without stop;
A familiar stranger
Well-versed in my flaws.

He, too, had these thoughts,
This inherited rot.

It's a matter of when,
Not if,
I'll fall off. ​

Or perhaps, because it's so treatment-resistant. Exacerbated by the usual go-tos: SSRIs.

Like you, I've tried countless treatments, medications, therapy. I tried so hard to get better.

It never goes away. It's simply who you are. People lie and say, "you're not your mental illness."

Unfortunately, yes, we are. It's part of what makes us.. us.

Hugs.

I've tried so earnestly and for so long to get better.

It feels like a slap in the face when people tell me to try and have hope. All I've ever done is hope. Hope for the next treatment, milestone, friendship, etc. If I felt OK 1 month out of the year, I would keep living just for that small respite... to spare the people I love the pain that I'm soon going to inflict on them.

I think people like me (and you, if this applies) are relatively rare among the mentally ill. I think most people really *can* get better if they experiment with treatments, get out of toxic situations, find good people. The vast majority of suicidal people, imo, aren't at the point where they should be turning to death, even if that's their prerogative. The potential for happiness is too precious.

It never goes away. It's simply who you are. People lie and say, "you're not your mental illness."

I agree. I don't think I necessarily would've been this, but the toxic combination of chronic health problems, constant abuse, severe bullying, and my psychology has made it inescapable.

I weep every day for the life I could've had if I were even a little responsive to treatment. I'm sorry you know this pain too.

 

[WiltedGirl]

there are a few people that I know will be really sad if I leave. if I leave I'll be incapable of feeling regret for it though.

 

[Abbadab]

there are a few people that I know will be really sad if I leave. if I leave I'll be incapable of feeling regret for it though.

Yeah, I'll feel bad, but not too bad. I know the pain they'll experience won't be as severe or last nearly as long as what I've lived through. I feel like I've been selfless enough holding off for 20 years and living as my parents' scapegoat for almost all of it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I don't think we can help who we happen to meet in life and it's natural to respond in a warm and grateful way to someone who is showing you kindness. It's hard to purposefully push people away when they are looking to interact. It's far easier to let things drift and become isolated when the people in our lives are distracted.

For what it's worth- I don't think you've done anything 'wrong' by the sounds of it. I'm not so convinced about suicidal people actively going out there to find relationships and friendships to kind of support them in their last few months/ weeks here. That's a personal feeling I have but- if those people aren't aware that their new friend or partner is suicidal, it seems a bit cruel to me. Obviously- recovery is something different. Someone focused on that likely would be looking to build up a support network. Regardless though, I really shouldn't be judging people.

It sounds like you just met this guy randomly though. You can't do much about that. While we're alive, we inevitably have to interact with people.

 

[onemorenight]

I think people like me (and you, if this applies) are relatively rare among the mentally ill. I think most people really *can* get better if they experiment with treatments, get out of toxic situations, find good people. The vast majority of suicidal people, imo, aren't at the point where they should be turning to death, even if that's their prerogative. The potential for happiness is too precious.

I agree completely. People go through depressive phases, but then to back up to a normal baseline. Our normal baseline is depression.

I agree. I don't think I necessarily would've been this, but the toxic combination of chronic health problems, constant abuse, severe bullying, and my psychology has made it inescapable.

I weep every day for the life I could've had if I were even a little responsive to treatment. I'm sorry you know this pain too.

I've always viewed suicide as my birthright. I was born with the perfect concoction of mental illnesses, bipolar and schizophrenia, and then my father cultivated it.

My doctor said my greatest strength and weakness is my self-awareness, my perception. We know things could be better. We know how poorly we're doing. We know we could be happy. But we just can't.

My heart breaks for your pain. It's more than understood. I see you.
The real tragedy is seeking help, trying to the best of our ability to improve.. It makes us feel even more defective when nothing works.

It bothers me when people drown in their own helplessness. They try nothing and look for pity. 99% of them would recover with help.. treatment, medication, therapy. A plan.

It's an insult to people like us.. who've given life their best effort.

 

[zel]

Hopefully when I explain that I'm messed up he'll lose all interest.

While perhaps the hope ought not to be that he leaves you per se, you're absolutely correct that you should explain the full scope and breadth of your predicament to him.

It is selfish and unfair to string someone along with the tantalizing option of a relationship, only to have that sacrifice in time and emotional intimacy be in vain because the relationship is doomed for whatever reason.

I'm not sure that you asked for advice as much as you did for commiseration, but I strongly urge you to let him know what he would be getting into, and therefore avoid having him feel betrayed or hurt through his progressive realization of the severity of your struggles - and his unwillingness or inability to stick through them.