deathandbeyond
New Member
- May 13, 2020
- 2
I’m currently on a psych ward on a 5:2 but am most definitely getting taken off today. I decided last night that today would be the day I CTB. I generally feel that if it’s going to be the case, because of this “depression” that I face spending a significant amount of my time feeling the way I do, regardless of whether things are going badly (my father will inevitably meet his end over the coming months - he has terminal cancer) suicide seems a viable alternative. When I go through with it - I would hope, that my loved ones understand that even a day or two of feeling the way I have been feeling for every second of the day is unbearable.
Over the last month or so I’ve decided that death by train is the quickest & more successful than my previous attempts. I just need to clarify a couple of questions which are as follows; What’s the best way to confirm immediate death, should I stand on the track or jump infront of the train at the last minute? Is there any particular way to position my body when the train hits me?
I’m sharing this final note - is this something my loved one would find comfort in?
you don’t deserve seeing me in turmoil. You didn’t deserve to be affected by my negativity. It hurt me even more, knowing what I put you through. The way you looked at me - afraid, helpless, hopeless. The way I stared back into your eyes, defeated. All of you did and still do such an excellent job at living & I was happy for everyone of you. Your lit up elated smiling faces made me smile although it broke my heart all at once. I felt bad & guilty because you loved me. I tried numerous times to push you away, to make you un-love me so I could take the plunge quicker. My attempts always failed. Your compassion pained me as much as it consoled me. I often wished that having you in my life and all the other privileges I had was enough, but I could never find what I was looking for. Perhaps it didn’t even exist. Who said death had to be this morbid? If you’re crying, please don’t - you know I’d fucking hate that.
dance and sing all of my favourite songs.
I love you.
Over the last month or so I’ve decided that death by train is the quickest & more successful than my previous attempts. I just need to clarify a couple of questions which are as follows; What’s the best way to confirm immediate death, should I stand on the track or jump infront of the train at the last minute? Is there any particular way to position my body when the train hits me?
I’m sharing this final note - is this something my loved one would find comfort in?
you don’t deserve seeing me in turmoil. You didn’t deserve to be affected by my negativity. It hurt me even more, knowing what I put you through. The way you looked at me - afraid, helpless, hopeless. The way I stared back into your eyes, defeated. All of you did and still do such an excellent job at living & I was happy for everyone of you. Your lit up elated smiling faces made me smile although it broke my heart all at once. I felt bad & guilty because you loved me. I tried numerous times to push you away, to make you un-love me so I could take the plunge quicker. My attempts always failed. Your compassion pained me as much as it consoled me. I often wished that having you in my life and all the other privileges I had was enough, but I could never find what I was looking for. Perhaps it didn’t even exist. Who said death had to be this morbid? If you’re crying, please don’t - you know I’d fucking hate that.
dance and sing all of my favourite songs.
I love you.
