Venting meant to be alone

[ilvgore]

I think i was meant to be alone. My brain doesn't allow me to see any other outcome.
Everytime i try to make friends or establish some kind of relationships they don't go nowhere.
Reasons:
A: It's me
B: It's them
C: Timing
I definitely think it's a combination of these 3 things.
Maybe i'm not in the right headspace for relationships right now [ the platonic kind ],
i definitely see how my behaviour leads to misunderstandings and a bad opinion on my persona.
I try the best i can, i try to please their needs, message them first [ it's tough for me, cause i feel like i interrupt their personal space, and i don't want to be annoying. ]
And people never seem to do the same kind of effort me, I just wonder if it's my own false perception of things.
It's really hard for me because it feels like the loneliness gets the best of me, loneliness hurts me too much.
Saying this is so emberassing for me, because how can it be, that an 18 year old girl like me, doesn't have anyone!!
Even if it was only one meaningful relationship, i would be pretty grateful for that.
And healing and waiting for my best self aka. going to therapy, hurts so much.
I would have to wait so long, just to make one friend.
Healing myself will be a long journey.
I have this unhealthy obsession with relying on certain people for my own happiness, i think i have to learn how to be on my own, and have a great time.
Just me, me and my ugly disgusting thoughts.
I think that's why i dont like to be alone, my thoughts.
When i'm left alone for too long, the thoughts of unbearable thoughts come up.
The bad voice that tells you, you're unworthy of love and connection, you are not good enough.
And i rely on other people's words and affirmations.
I hope to find peace in my loneliness.

 

[Dejected 55]

When I was young I wanted to believe people who said "give it time" but I've learned the hard way that I am going to always be alone. Last year completely destroyed me and I'm done now.