Meaninglessness and impulsivity

[SomewhatLoved]

I feel I have become compulsive as of late. I used to save everything. I would put aside money to go on dates or do nice things for my partner, but beyond that everything was kept. I had loyalty accounts and cards nearly everywhere I went. I kid you not, I tracked every single transaction across every single account in a spreadsheet. I knew where every penny went, and I intended to save as many as I could to build a future. I saw something bright and was going to let it engulf me, but the flame went out

I spent 2 months salary on a motorcycle last month, and more on gear, a course, and licensing expenses. I've been going out and buying $6 cups of chai tea from fancy cafes when I could make it better myself at home for probably less than $0.50. I sit at the window in the cafe and look across the street while people filter in and out of a theatre and it doesn't make me feel any happier, but I do it. What value is there in that money, anyways? I know I worked some 300 hours to afford that bike, but it doesn't seem to be worth any amount of time or effort. It feels that there is no value in that money as there is no value in that time.

There is nothing I want. Twice a month my paycheque comes and I am lost as to what I should use it for. Nothing appeals to me, and when I do spend money on useless things I know before I even buy them that they won't make me happy. I spent $66 dollars on a hoodie today and I got no joy out of it. I keep doing it to try and feel something but I never do.

I have gone to a grocery store in a world where people do not eat and filled my cart with food when I have no mouth.

 

[TheVanishingPoint]

Your words are the perfect portrait of a reality many choose to ignore out of fear: the absurdity of searching for meaning when meaning has already dissolved.
You are not compulsive. You are trying, in a desperately elegant way, to make the void inhabitable.
The motorcycle, the tea, the hoodie… they are not objects; they are attempts to give shape to the nothingness.
I, too, have looked out the window hoping the world would look back. But the world doesn't respond. It just flows, blind.
And yet, within this exhaustion, there is a truth. You are not lying to yourself. And that clarity, even if it doesn't comfort, is rare. And it deserves respect.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This feels so familiar. I suppose even a couple of decades ago, I realised I was struggling so I would tell myself: You can do anything, go anywhere, spend what you want (within reason) to try and shake this feeling. And, I had the same realisation that I have now- I'm not sure it will make any difference. I still used to at least try doing those things back then, hoping they wouldn't all just wash over and some good would sink in and take hold. I suppose I picked up one or two good memories but, not enough to stick.

For me, it wasn't so much being conscious of saving to build a future. My hope/ focus was to pursue a creative career. I used to get so excited at the prospect of a new project. Now, most things just fall flat. I still have to try to sound enthusiastic. I still do my best to do a good job. It still troubles me if I don't. But, that spark has gone. In some ways now- it's mercenary. I'll look at the job, how much work I'll need to put in. Whether I can sit down to do the bulk of it- I'm so lazy now and, how much it will pay me. They have taken over almost as the primary considerations. Big projects- which used to delight me, now just make me feel exhausted- even thinking about them.

That all said, I don't think it's bad that you are doing those things. I'm sure it is at least mentally healthier to be enjoying your expensive chai tea out and about, rarther than staying indoors.

So- I'm guessing you do enjoy biking? Does anything appeal still? Could you look into maybe biking through some beautiful countryside one weekend?

 

[Sleeper System]

It sounds like a mid-life crisis. Welcome to the club, if so.

I dont make much but I try to save what I can. I still spend the majority of my money on bills and things that help numb the pain of my reality. One might read that and think drugs... but no. I mean pillows. Comforters. Food. Trinkets from shows I like. But as you said... little by little you start to lose that feeling of satisfaction. Buying a motorcycle is probably the epitome of " I just want to feel something. " and its crazy it can come to that point.

Deep down we know we should be saving for the future but is it sad for me to say that I dont think my future is going to be secured by the pennies that I square away let alone make a dent in the perils of old age? Idk.

I want to believe that one day I will truelly have enough of this LIVING bs and commit to taking my own life. But not before using my money to try and live it up one last time. So I guess im saving up for that.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Dear somewhat, you have discovered the true meaning of money. Seriously. This is it! I am continually impressed by people like you on this forum. There is more real-life practical wisdom on this forum than anywhere else.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

So- I'm guessing you do enjoy biking? Does anything appeal still? Could you look into maybe biking through some beautiful countryside one weekend?

In some superficial way, yes it is fun. But I think honestly a big part of it is that it's an excuse to get outside and go drive endlessly and have my mind focused on navigating instead of being in my own head for a while. It's a distraction more than anything. Sometimes it's nice to ride through small country roads on a nice day and pull over for a break and listen to the birds sing, but the joy it brings me feels very superficial. I do not feel like my life is filled with any meaning by going for rides, and in the past when I found meaning in a relationship I 100% would have not spent the money that I did to buy a bike, a full set of gear, and get licensed. At the time I had much more meaningful things to do with my money. Dates, chocolates and sweets for my partner, movie tickets, etc. I feel that recreational vehicles appeal mostly to people who are otherwise unfulfilled in life. A hunk of metal costing thousands of dollars up front that requires maintenance, insurance, and registration is not something someone with greater meaning in their life would probably want.

Below I will attach a picture of my bike from a recent trip. My plate and identifying signs are covered for obvious reasons, but it was at least a way to pass a day off without being stuck in my head.

It sounds like a mid-life crisis. Welcome to the club, if so.

I'm only 20, but I agree it is definitely some sort of crisis. I'm trying to find meaning but I know I probably won't.

Buying a motorcycle is probably the epitome of " I just want to feel something. " and its crazy it can come to that point.

I agree. I feel that motorcycles for the most part are complete wastes of money, at least as someone who lives in a climate where you can only use them for 4-6 months a year. I know in some countries closer to the equator they are of genuine use as they are cheaper than cars and can be used year round, but where I live I need a car for winter transport so this is just a luxury. I now have to insure two vehicles because of this, do double the maintenance, and had to go through the motor vehicle licensing process pretty much all over again. It's very hedonistic and materialistic, and for much of my life I haven't been that type of person. Until a year ago I never really bought myself anything and everyone in my family has always described me as low-maintenance. I just feel completely empty now though, and this is a way of trying to feel something exciting even though I am burning money in the process.

Dear somewhat, you have discovered the true meaning of money. Seriously. This is it! I am continually impressed by people like you on this forum. There is more real-life practical wisdom on this forum than anywhere else.

What do you mean I have discovered the true meaning of money? I think if I valued my life and time I certainly would not feel that 300+ hours of labor was worth the small amount of joy I get from a motorcycle or $6 cups of tea. I was much happier before when I was pinching pennies to take my partner on extra dates, or trying to save for a house. I hope this doesn't come off as aggressive, but I just don't really understand.

 

[Forever Sleep]

In some superficial way, yes it is fun. But I think honestly a big part of it is that it's an excuse to get outside and go drive endlessly and have my mind focused on navigating instead of being in my own head for a while. It's a distraction more than anything. Sometimes it's nice to ride through small country roads on a nice day and pull over for a break and listen to the birds sing, but the joy it brings me feels very superficial. I do not feel like my life is filled with any meaning by going for rides, and in the past when I found meaning in a relationship I 100% would have not spent the money that I did to buy a bike, a full set of gear, and get licensed. At the time I had much more meaningful things to do with my money. Dates, chocolates and sweets for my partner, movie tickets, etc. I feel that recreational vehicles appeal mostly to people who are otherwise unfulfilled in life. A hunk of metal costing thousands of dollars up front that requires maintenance, insurance, and registration is not something someone with greater meaning in their life would probably want.

Below I will attach a picture of my bike from a recent trip. My plate and identifying signs are covered for obvious reasons, but it was at least a way to pass a day off without being stuck in my head.


I'm only 20, but I agree it is definitely some sort of crisis. I'm trying to find meaning but I know I probably won't.


I agree. I feel that motorcycles for the most part are complete wastes of money, at least as someone who lives in a climate where you can only use them for 4-6 months a year. I know in some countries closer to the equator they are of genuine use as they are cheaper than cars and can be used year round, but where I live I need a car for winter transport so this is just a luxury. I now have to insure two vehicles because of this, do double the maintenance, and had to go through the motor vehicle licensing process pretty much all over again. It's very hedonistic and materialistic, and for much of my life I haven't been that type of person. Until a year ago I never really bought myself anything and everyone in my family has always described me as low-maintenance. I just feel completely empty now though, and this is a way of trying to feel something exciting even though I am burning money in the process.


What do you mean I have discovered the true meaning of money? I think if I valued my life and time I certainly would not feel that 300+ hours of labor was worth the small amount of joy I get from a motorcycle or $6 cups of tea. I was much happier before when I was pinching pennies to take my partner on extra dates, or trying to save for a house. I hope this doesn't come off as aggressive, but I just don't really understand.

Yeah, that makes sense. Concentrating on a potentially harmful activity can give us a sort of 'break'. Shame it's not more enjoyable for you. I maybe get the same sort of relief when I use power tools. I'm concentrating on not cutting my fingers off so, at least that pushes out the negative thoughts for a time. I know what you mean though. It's not exactly a positive experience, it's just different for a bit.

Cool bike. Thanks for the picture. I especially like the saddlebags.

 

[SomewhatLoved]

Yeah, that makes sense. Concentrating on a potentially harmful activity can give us a sort of 'break'. Shame it's not more enjoyable for you. I maybe get the same sort of relief when I use power tools. I'm concentrating on not cutting my fingers off so, at least that pushes out the negative thoughts for a time. I know what you mean though. It's not exactly a positive experience, it's just different for a bit.

Cool bike. Thanks for the picture. I especially like the saddlebags.

Thanks, I really like the style of the saddlebags too. It's a 2013 Honda Shadow Phantom. Everything about it is exactly what I wanted. In my search I realized that the majority come as a gloss black but this one is matte black (on the title it says "gun powder black", but it's essentially just matte). I'm happy with it and I'll be taking off a week at the end of June to go do a small trip somewhere and get away from the city for a while.

 

[Sleeper System]

It's surprising that you're so young. I guess you carry yourself as an older soul. What I thought was your mid-life crisis is actually you're introduction to life. You might be breaking sooner than others though and having a post life crisis. Either way, try to enjoy the sick motorcycle.