Story Maybe tomorrow will be different?

[Daft-Bear]

I don't want to die, but I don't really see another way forward. The vision for the world I had as a child has faded into obscurity. The path before me looks horrifying, as I see that I have failed at everything I had set my mind to. The lens in which I view the world feels like an observer rather than a participant. I really believed in people, but they have shown me the error of believing in myself.

I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I am grounded by pain, but paralyzed in fear. I've slowly lost track of days, months and years. I don't know what happened in the last 3 years. They are simply gone, no memories, no emotion; I don't know where they've gone. I spend my days scouring the internet, I've taught myself and gathered the resources to kill myself when the pain becomes unbearable again. For now, I exist, tomorrow is never a guarantee.

I don't want to die, but there is no reason to live. I haven't told those around me that I simply don't feel anything anymore. I'm completely numb to life. there is no good, there is no bad. There is no others, there is only me. I live alone and will die alone. There is no reason for me to be remembered, and no eye will bat when I go, I will be one of many who have come before. I simply chose my exit, while others were forced.

I don't want to live, for I have already died. there is nothing for me here. I clock in, I clock out. I exchange pleasantries with those around me, and am forgotten when the clock strikes five. I no longer exist to those I exist with, not till 9am tomorrow. At 9am I will exchange the same fake pleasantries. The dullness of my days would surely kill anyone, the tasks are pointless. At least someone profits. maybe they enjoy their life.

Maybe I was never alive. another celebrity dead today. who is benefiting from my dull days? I read about those millionaires and billionaires who killed themselves. Maybe my suffering wasn't enough to cheer them up. maybe they forget they put me here. maybe they just never cared, or stopped caring, and forced me to not care either. does anyone care?

"It is always consoling to think of suicide: in that way one gets through many a bad night." living does little for me, it's death that consumes my mind. you are what you think, therefore I have already died. Maybe others feel like me. would they even care? no, probably not

Do I even care? does anybody? I think im alive, but I can't be sure. there's really only one way to find out. I need to feel that pain again, at least in pain I'm present.

Maybe tomorrow will be different? maybe tomorrows a present. maybe I'll be present.

I'm sorry to be broadcasting my thoughts like this. its gotta go somewhere.

 

[cheese.out]

Dont be sorry for posting your thoughts, it was really wonderful to read. I know this feeling - your just empty and numb and dont know whats the point in all of this. But I see your hope - you have the hope that tomorrow will be different and thats so important!❤ wish you all the best

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm sorry. I really feel your pain. That was very emotively written. I think maybe the saddest thing of all is for just how many people it would feel relevant for. I think the grave of the unknown soldier has always been really poignant to me. How many regular people really just die unknown pretty much. It doesn't always relate to how 'famous' someone is either. The death and subsequent finding of diary entries by Kenneth Williams showed how desperately lonely he was despite making so many other people happy. Despite likely being 'loved' by so many. I think many people suffer with loneliness- even if they are surrounded by people. If no one can reach the real 'THEM', they really are just alone.

I hope you do start to have better days though. Do you suppose it is real social connections that you crave?

 

[watercube]

Thanks for posting your thoughts, most of the time I find it difficult to express myself and your story really resonates with me, I feel that you managed to convey an idea about a lifestyle and mental situation very similar to mine and even other people's, despite all the differences we have. Texts like yours make me feel better knowing that other people think like me. I wish you the best.

 

[Daft-Bear]

I'm sorry. I really feel your pain. That was very emotively written. I think maybe the saddest thing of all is for just how many people it would feel relevant for. I think the grave of the unknown soldier has always been really poignant to me. How many regular people really just die unknown pretty much. It doesn't always relate to how 'famous' someone is either. The death and subsequent finding of diary entries by Kenneth Williams showed how desperately lonely he was despite making so many other people happy. Despite likely being 'loved' by so many. I think many people suffer with loneliness- even if they are surrounded by people. If no one can reach the real 'THEM', they really are just alone.

I hope you do start to have better days though. Do you suppose it is real social connections that you crave?

I feel so ungrounded and disconnected from the world around me. I wish many days that I were stupid, and less aware. I wish I were religious, I wish I believed in my country, I wish that I believed in unbreakable love. But I don't. Try as I might. These are illusions and they've been systematically shattered before me.

I am fighting to believe in things that I know aren't real, with people who believe they are. I feel fake. I'm either humoring something so disconnected from my reality it hurts, or I've withdrawn and feel alone.

I need people. I need people like me. But… I don't see them. And if I did, would I even realize it? I can't even get past Maslow's 3rd step on hierarchy of needs. How smart can I really be?

I don't know too much about Kenneth Williams, but you've intrigued me. Is there a good documentary or book about it?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel so ungrounded and disconnected from the world around me. I wish many days that I were stupid, and less aware. I wish I were religious, I wish I believed in my country, I wish that I believed in unbreakable love. But I don't. Try as I might. These are illusions and they've been systematically shattered before me.

I am fighting to believe in things that I know aren't real, with people who believe they are. I feel fake. I'm either humoring something so disconnected from my reality it hurts, or I've withdrawn and feel alone.

I need people. I need people like me. But… I don't see them. And if I did, would I even realize it? I can't even get past Maslow's 3rd step on hierarchy of needs. How smart can I really be?

I don't know too much about Kenneth Williams, but you've intrigued me. Is there a good documentary or book about it?

They did a documentary about him called: 'Kenneth Williams: Fantabulosa!' There's also quite a bit on YouTube about him. It's just so sad really because he was gay but it was so frowned upon back then. He couldn't really be free to be himself. He's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. He was very over-the-top camp. I guess I love him because he used to voice a childrens TV animation I used to love called Willo the Wisp. He did all of the voices in it!

Yes, it's very hard to pretend to believe in things we don't anymore. I suppose on the one hand, I've been grateful for a certain level of cynicism in life. Still- it can definitely get to the point where you just feel disconnect everywhere. That you're just so different to everyone else, it's hard to relate. I think you likely will find people here who will recognize those feelings. I know it's not the same as real life though.

 

[Daft-Bear]

They did a documentary about him called: 'Kenneth Williams: Fantabulosa!' There's also quite a bit on YouTube about him. It's just so sad really because he was gay but it was so frowned upon back then. He couldn't really be free to be himself. He's not going to be everyone's cup of tea. He was very over-the-top camp. I guess I love him because he used to voice a childrens TV animation I used to love called Willo the Wisp. He did all of the voices in it!

Yes, it's very hard to pretend to believe in things we don't anymore. I suppose on the one hand, I've been grateful for a certain level of cynicism in life. Still- it can definitely get to the point where you just feel disconnect everywhere. That you're just so different to everyone else, it's hard to relate. I think you likely will find people here who will recognize those feelings. I know it's not the same as real life though.

I see that it's posted on YouTube! I'll have to watch that either tonight or tomorrow.

This site is actually really helpful. Maybe I'll post more ramblings. It's helpful to just get out into the universe what I feel. The anonymity is nice, but a double edged sword. I wish I could more fully talk to the people around me, but alas, I don't want to raise any suspicions. I already don't feel in control of my life, I don't want someone to take away the last bit of control I have. I've slowly reached out to people here and feel less alone. We all feel similarly here, with various levels of emotional intensity.

Let me know if you wanna talk more privately. I don't know anything about you, but I wouldn't mind learning. :)

 

[Forever Sleep]

I see that it's posted on YouTube! I'll have to watch that either tonight or tomorrow.

This site is actually really helpful. Maybe I'll post more ramblings. It's helpful to just get out into the universe what I feel. The anonymity is nice, but a double edged sword. I wish I could more fully talk to the people around me, but alas, I don't want to raise any suspicions. I already don't feel in control of my life, I don't want someone to take away the last bit of control I have. I've slowly reached out to people here and feel less alone. We all feel similarly here, with various levels of emotional intensity.

Let me know if you wanna talk more privately. I don't know anything about you, but I wouldn't mind learning. :)

Yes, I agree- it's always a risk to tell people in real life. Some people seem to really change when they find out. I've only ever told people I felt sure felt the same way.

Yes- sure- I enjoy messaging people privately.