maybe today will be my day

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

im tired, and im scared, but i feel like my time is running out, and i hate the holidays i dont wanna experience that shit + itd mean i wouldnt have time to ctb bc i wouldnt be home alone,
maybe im just talking out of my ass like i always do but ill make an attempt today, currently 6am CST, everyones getting ready to leave for work, ill be alone around 8, ill start getting everything ready by then, ill be updating the thread

8:30am - havent done anything, can barely get out of bed, im scared, i dont wanna be here anymore, i need more time, i need to ctb, ill just lay here for an hour or two,
ill be doing full suspension and drinking to help with SI, i dont think i wanna leave a note or anything, ill probably just tell my gf that i love her and go

9:25am - rope is ready, smoked a couple cigs and i started drinking, ill go do it once i feel drunk enough

 

[novi.jpg]

im tired, and im scared, but i feel like my time is running out, and i hate the holidays i dont wanna experience that shit + itd mean i wouldnt have time to ctb bc i wouldnt be home alone,
maybe im just talking out of my ass like i always do but ill make an attempt today, currently 6am CST, everyones getting ready to leave for work, ill be alone around 8, ill start getting everything ready by then, ill be updating the thread

Wish you best luck on your journey to the other side

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that you find the peace you are searching for.

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

i really just wanna write something, ig, today i learned i really like cigs, so thats nice,

i thought id live longer yk? a year ago i felt on top of the world, i had a reason, i had a purpose, i had love, i had a place to call home, even if it was on the internet, i had a family i had something, ive never had that before, i felt life, and i enjoyed it,
im thankful that i got to live, i miss those times, i miss the people i had, i miss it all, but now everythings different, and ive done things i cant take back ive caused things i cant fix, all of that ended bc im too mentally ill, im flawed, my honey says shell love me unconditionally forever, and i know shes saying the truth, but the circumstances around us have worsened so much, and i know my fuck up affected her greatly too, and i dont wanna hurt her or anyone else anymore,

ive barely gotten out of my room, i can count the days ive been sober in november using one hand, but substance abuse wont help me get out of the hole ive dug myself into, nothing can be done, ive tried, and the memories of it all still haunt me, i cant live, i cant live to see another year,

ive done so much bad in my life, ive been arrogant, ive thought too much of myself, and when reality caught up to me i still had so much bullshit in my head, there are so many layers to my mental illness, even if i had the time and resources to deal with it all im still trapped in this body i hate so much, even if i could deal with that i cant live a happy life in this country, no one will ever see me as the gender i identify with, im too autistic and ill to hold any job, and my family has proven time and time again that i dont have a support network in them

i miss having a support network, and people to talk to, and be myself to, and be comfortable with, not all of it was my fault, but i still fucked up bad, i dont have anything in this world,

i know full well the few people that care about my safety will worry, and be devastated when they find out, but im willing to take that as a compromise, i rather get out of their lives and let them move on without someone like me weighing them down all the time, having to worry about how i feel, even if they forget about me sometimes bc of how insignificant i am, all i wanted was to be happy and to feel loved, welcomed, warmth, and i did get all of that, and im glad i experienced it, but everything ends, and this will hopefully be my end,

if you read all my stupid bullshit ramblings, thank you, im glad someone out there heard me, and im thankful i got to experience this community, one that heard me but wont remember me, i dont wish to be remebered, i dont deserve to be remembered, thanks for your time and kindness, and i hope we can all find peace one day

 

[RobinWhoLostItAll]

well, its 2:43pm, i couldn't do shit, i got too fucked up and couldnt do it, so thats great, im a massive idiot and a coward, so now ill have to wait at least until monday to try again, and ill probably fail