Venting Maybe saying this will help

[asaki]

It's been years of me convincing myself that I'm not suicidal despite it being the first thing on my mind every morning, and months since I've joined this forum. I've seen many be on here for days and leave like that, yet I am nowhere near as brave. Does that make me a coward? My parents were abusive in my childhood and I know their lives would be simpler if I were gone, no longer a reminder of their past together, but I still can't help but fear what they might experience knowing their child is dead, no matter how much my mother didn't want my birth. I know I can always jump and most likely end up dead, yet I'm still here for fucks sake. Why.. why is human instinct so distinct and why am I holding onto life so desperately if I know I don't have a future. Does anyone else feel this way? These thoughts are so exhausting.. too exhausting... What is holding me back????

 

[headinghome]

It's been years of me convincing myself that I'm not suicidal despite it being the first thing on my mind every morning, and months since I've joined this forum. I've seen many be on here for days and leave like that, yet I am nowhere near as brave. Does that make me a coward? My parents were abusive in my childhood and I know their lives would be simpler if I were gone, no longer a reminder of their past together, but I still can't help but fear what they might experience knowing their child is dead, no matter how much my mother didn't want my birth. I know I can always jump and most likely end up dead, yet I'm still here for fucks sake. Why.. why is human instinct so distinct and why am I holding onto life so desperately if I know I don't have a future. Does anyone else feel this way? These thoughts are so exhausting.. too exhausting... What is holding me back????

None of us knows what our future will be… How can you be so sure yours will be unbearable…? You have the power and control to help formulate the future…

 

[Alec]

It's been years of me convincing myself that I'm not suicidal despite it being the first thing on my mind every morning, and months since I've joined this forum. I've seen many be on here for days and leave like that, yet I am nowhere near as brave. Does that make me a coward? My parents were abusive in my childhood and I know their lives would be simpler if I were gone, no longer a reminder of their past together, but I still can't help but fear what they might experience knowing their child is dead, no matter how much my mother didn't want my birth. I know I can always jump and most likely end up dead, yet I'm still here for fucks sake. Why.. why is human instinct so distinct and why am I holding onto life so desperately if I know I don't have a future. Does anyone else feel this way? These thoughts are so exhausting.. too exhausting... What is holding me back????

Honestly I'm many ways I feel exactly the same. And I'm sorry but so far I haven't found a solution. Same for me, I know I don't have a future yet I stay. The truth is that there is a very slim chance of hope if I'll get very and really lucky that I'll have a future I can live(the only one, I can't bare to even think living any other life) so I try to give it a bit more time to see if it works but if it won't I know I'll go, ill just have to be strong and control myself and kill myself, i don't have any other choice, I just have to. So I keep saying it to myself that I will and no other option is available for me, i just have to and that's it. I'm not sure how to defeat fear, maybe we can't exaclty get rid of it or defeat it until we go through with it despite of fear? I don't know, maybe. I'll just have to be strong and push through. And I wish I could tell you something comforting but the reality is I don't know how your and mine life will turn out but then again there still might be a chance it will turn out how we want it. I wish I could help you but the only thing I can say is that I feel the same and you are not alone this way, I am too. Hope this might serve as some comfort at least. Love you forever.

 

[Retched]

You're not a coward. I'm overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts and only recently got the urges under control. For example, I no longer sit with a loaded gun to my head- I realized the survival instinct was too strong in me to pull the trigger and it just became silly to sit and do I guess? I understand where you are coming from. And I'm exhausted too.

 

[letmeseethedeath]

It's been years of me convincing myself that I'm not suicidal despite it being the first thing on my mind every morning, and months since I've joined this forum. I've seen many be on here for days and leave like that, yet I am nowhere near as brave. Does that make me a coward? My parents were abusive in my childhood and I know their lives would be simpler if I were gone, no longer a reminder of their past together, but I still can't help but fear what they might experience knowing their child is dead, no matter how much my mother didn't want my birth. I know I can always jump and most likely end up dead, yet I'm still here for fucks sake. Why.. why is human instinct so distinct and why am I holding onto life so desperately if I know I don't have a future. Does anyone else feel this way? These thoughts are so exhausting.. too exhausting... What is holding me back????

i feel the same way. the same relationship with my parents. indeed im suicidal sincei was 11. i have no choice but to die, there's no future for me. life is unfair and we are in this shitty world just because two fucking people (parents) had sex. fuck, this is the worst thing. you're not a coward, even tho i think i am because i'm not so courageous to end up my life and i know i have to do it. we just need to think this life is not good for us.

 

[asaki]

Honestly I'm many ways I feel exactly the same. And I'm sorry but so far I haven't found a solution. Same for me, I know I don't have a future yet I stay. The truth is that there is a very slim chance of hope if I'll get very and really lucky that I'll have a future I can live(the only one, I can't bare to even think living any other life) so I try to give it a bit more time to see if it works but if it won't I know I'll go, ill just have to be strong and control myself and kill myself, i don't have any other choice, I just have to. So I keep saying it to myself that I will and no other option is available for me, i just have to and that's it. I'm not sure how to defeat fear, maybe we can't exaclty get rid of it or defeat it until we go through with it despite of fear? I don't know, maybe. I'll just have to be strong and push through. And I wish I could tell you something comforting but the reality is I don't know how your and mine life will turn out but then again there still might be a chance it will turn out how we want it. I wish I could help you but the only thing I can say is that I feel the same and you are not alone this way, I am too. Hope this might serve as some comfort at least. Love you forever.

Thank you. I wish you all the best man.

i feel the same way. the same relationship with my parents. indeed im suicidal sincei was 11. i have no choice but to die, there's no future for me. life is unfair and we are in this shitty world just because two fucking people (parents) had sex. fuck, this is the worst thing. you're not a coward, even tho i think i am because i'm not so courageous to end up my life and i know i have to do it. we just need to think this life is not good for us.

I hope you find peace one day. Good luck to you. I'm glad I'm not alone in this.