Maybe Lost Hope In Recovery

[AshClouds]

Hi,

I started wondering recently why the recovery chat/forum section isn't as well populated as the suicide discussion. I guess people, by the time they join this site, are usually at their wits end and they don't see another way out. There are others that do not want to get better at all if given the choice, because they don't want to exist in this world.

If given the choice, I would 100% want things to get better. I even said so in my post about my plan, and in my user profile.
I'm so tired of trying to make myself better, because nothing has really worked. All I found were temporary fixes but my mental unwellness keeps bubbling up to the surface and it never goes away.


At this point, I don't want to face another disappointment. I don't like experiencing all this pain, but I can't help feeling that nothing will ever help me. I tried so many things and my depression just continues to spiral downwards. The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets. This is why I haven't been looking for a recovery option on here - because I tried so hard to recover for a long long time and I just keep running into walls.

I do want to be content and find some semblance of happiness. I just don't see how I can make that happen.

 

[SpiderLink]

Hi,

I started wondering recently why the recovery chat/forum section isn't as well populated as the suicide discussion. I guess people, by the time they join this site, are usually at their wits end and they don't see another way out. There are others that do not want to get better at all if given the choice, because they don't want to exist in this world.

If given the choice, I would 100% want things to get better. I even said so in my post about my plan, and in my user profile.
I'm so tired of trying to make myself better, because nothing has really worked. All I found were temporary fixes but my mental unwellness keeps bubbling up to the surface and it never goes away.


At this point, I don't want to face another disappointment. I don't like experiencing all this pain, but I can't help feeling that nothing will ever help me. I tried so many things and my depression just continues to spiral downwards. The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets. This is why I haven't been looking for a recovery option on here - because I tried so hard to recover for a long long time and I just keep running into walls.

I do want to be content and find some semblance of happiness. I just don't see how I can make that happen.

Man I feel u, sending virtual hugs and I hope u know your not alone in feeling this way

 

[HarmonicScreams]

I'm really sorry you feel this way, and I think I am in a similar position as you. We want to get better but we don't have hope that things will. And anyone saying that they know for certain that things will get better is just a liar. Nobody knows. It could get better or it could get worse, or it might things might remain the way they are.
What I do know for certain is that I enjoyed chatting with you last night, and getting to listen to the musical projects you have worked on. And I am sure that there have been other times where you have shared yourself to others, and they must have been thankful too. I think that's all we can do. We can be open to whatever comes our way and choose to act accordingly. Whatever you choose to do, whether or not you CTB, you at least have 1 fan.

 

[RedHotRage]

I'm in a similar boat, although I do feel true happiness sometimes. I guess I'd say unlike a lot of people here, there are times where I enjoy life, and my body is usually filled with a calm, relaxing spirit of hope and zest for life.

But the bad times in life feels way worse, no matter how short they are. No amount of days without headaches makes a migraine feel any more worth it, so to speak. It just feels like a neverending cycle of anger into deadness, only for a storm to come just when that deadness becomes somehhing better.

I'm actually pretty content with life. Feel a little dead, yeah. But when the bad comes, one day I'll just get so angry I'll put a bullet to head. Times where I tried to but just didn't have a gun, but that'll change when I move out of my state and buy one - not to ctb - but just cause I like them and don't give a shit if it'll be the end of me.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

I understand you perfectly, and I am very sorry that you feel this way and are going through this, it is so true that the solutions are temporary and for the vast majority of us here we have permanent problems, contrary to what other people say , only we know what we are going through and how we feel. I would still like to improve, but only for a few more years. I send you a very strong hug ash

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Hi,

I started wondering recently why the recovery chat/forum section isn't as well populated as the suicide discussion. I guess people, by the time they join this site, are usually at their wits end and they don't see another way out. There are others that do not want to get better at all if given the choice, because they don't want to exist in this world.

If given the choice, I would 100% want things to get better. I even said so in my post about my plan, and in my user profile.
I'm so tired of trying to make myself better, because nothing has really worked. All I found were temporary fixes but my mental unwellness keeps bubbling up to the surface and it never goes away.


At this point, I don't want to face another disappointment. I don't like experiencing all this pain, but I can't help feeling that nothing will ever help me. I tried so many things and my depression just continues to spiral downwards. The more I try to fight it, the worse it gets. This is why I haven't been looking for a recovery option on here - because I tried so hard to recover for a long long time and I just keep running into walls.

I do want to be content and find some semblance of happiness. I just don't see how I can make that happen.

I'm sorry you're struggling. Life unfairly likes to beat some of us down and not others and it sounds like you are one of them sadly. What I find I need and like to think is having someone to talk to that actually gives a shit, and a thing or two in my free time that really makes me happy.

The first, I can help with as much as you want to avail yourself of it. Can't pretend I will have the answers to all your problems, much as I wish I did, but you can vent and hash out ideas on trying to figure out this living thing with if you want to. You're not going to be a burden to me, I'd be honored to give you some support if you'll have it.

As for the things to do that make you happy, that will be more on your end but maybe I can give advice? Before any of that, what do you enjoy anyway? And I mean anything at all you find makes you laugh, or helps you feel calm. Basically anything that gets your mind off of what is going on, gives you the place to vent out that negativity and let something different in.

Whatever happens going forward, got you on my mind. You're not forgotten, so don't believe that.

 

[TapeMachine]

But the bad times in life feels way worse, no matter how short they are. No amount of days without headaches makes a migraine feel any more worth it, so to speak.

I'm actually pretty content with life. Feel a little dead, yeah. But when the bad comes, one day I'll just get so angry I'll put a bullet to head.

My bad days hit with a vengeance too, though I'm otherwise pretty happy (or atleast content) on my good days. One of those bad days is going to be the death of me if I'm not careful, which is why I'm presently trying so desperately to improve some of my maladapted coping mechanisms.

I'm not ready to go just yet, so I have to keep working on myself every single day; fuck, it's just really tough work.

@ash_falling, I also have adhd and depression (saw that in another post of yours), just got diagnosed last year. Most people don't understand the full scope of our neurodevelopmental disorder; they don't realize how it can affect every single facet of our lives.

Last year, before I finally sought my diagnosis, I'd spent around 6 months in full-speed hyperfocus, researching any and everything about adhd that I could find. I realized how little I had actually known about my own afflicted brain up until that point.

I don't remember what the point of my post was supposed to be, (please excuse my poor, unmedicated brain this morning) but I guess I just wanted to say that I understand, that I sympathize. I'm working toward recovery myself, and adhd just adds another layer of difficulty to it all.

 

[EmpathyMinded]

My bad days hit with a vengeance too, though I'm otherwise pretty happy (or atleast content) on my good days. One of those bad days is going to be the death of me if I'm not careful, which is why I'm presently trying so desperately to improve some of my maladapted coping mechanisms.

I'm not ready to go just yet, so I have to keep working on myself every single day; fuck, it's just really tough work.

@ash_falling, I also have adhd and depression (saw that in another post of yours), just got diagnosed last year. Most people don't understand the full scope of our neurodevelopmental disorder; they don't realize how it can affect every single facet of our lives.

Last year, before I finally sought my diagnosis, I'd spent around 6 months in full-speed hyperfocus, researching any and everything about adhd that I could find. I realized how little I had actually known about my own afflicted brain up until that point.

I don't remember what the point of my post was supposed to be, (please excuse my poor, unmedicated brain this morning) but I guess I just wanted to say that I understand, that I sympathize. I'm working toward recovery myself, and adhd just adds another layer of difficulty to it all.

I wouldn't feel self-conscious about your writing there I understood it fine myself. Point was you can sympathize and you gave context that showed that. I'm glad people like you are contributing to this convo too: I don't have ADHD so while I can empathize and support out of respect for OP, voices like yours that have been actually living that experience and connect that much more directly are invaluable.