Venting maybe i don't deserve a way out

[tsuina]

trauma's been flaring up a lot the past week and a half. feeling like i've gone mad.... i am not happy with this at all. sexual + verbal abuse for years in my childhood fucked my brain up forever and it's like the slightest thing tears me down. and i've been having a lot of reminders of that. so now, i just think about CTB 24/7. to escape from my childhood and what those people did to me. to relieve that.. to forget it.. maybe be reborn as a pigeon (their brains are too tiny to care) or something..
and yet i sit there and i'm like... i don't deserve shit. i don't deserve happiness. i deserved that suffering. i don't deserve to be free of that suffering. it feels like that must be the case when i literally just cannot let it go. i cannot let this shit go. therapy won't do shit and fuck meds.
so i feel like maybe i don't even deserve a way out of this life. maybe i've sabotaged myself by forming a romantic relationship and a pet that i adore. maybe god sabotaged me by killing the one i love(d) instead of me. maybe if i try to CTB, i'll fail every single time, no matter what, by some miracle (or perhaps curse, in my mind) since every near death experience i have ever had, i lived through..
i view CTB as being a release of my pain, as an act of self love. and i guess, to put myself out of my misery due to my physical illness progressively getting worse. but mostly.. to save myself the suffering of this life. to show myself the ultimate love and happiness of escaping to whatever comes after death. so how can i deserve it? how can i deserve to be 'free'? if i'm this garbage of a person, i feel like i don't even deserve the freedom of choosing my death. maybe i should just suffer until i die of old age (if i even make it that far) or something. i was always told i deserved to suffer.. it feels like it might be true

 

[GrumpyFrog]

Hey, buddy. I'm sorry you're hurting so much

so how can i deserve it? how can i deserve to be 'free'? if i'm this garbage of a person, i feel like i don't even deserve the freedom of choosing my death.

Why do you think anyone, including yourself, might be "undeserving" of being free? I believe it is an innate right of all human beings. Don't you agree?

 

[tsuina]

Hey, buddy. I'm sorry you're hurting so much

Why do you think anyone, including yourself, might be "undeserving" of being free? I believe it is an innate right of all human beings. Don't you agree?

thanks for your reply!
i look at other people and i'm like wow they really deserve that choice
then i look at myself and i'm like.. "i'm so gross and i'm hardly even a human being that i don't even deserve the right of freedom"
i guess since growing up i literally never had freedom (and in turn was hurt badly because of that) that it's a foreign concept to me, and my self-worth is so minuscule that i view myself as some weird outcast from the rest of humanity. doesn't help that i have been time and time again rejected from other groups of human beings (socially) since i have autism and i guess i act a little weird.. so i've never even had connections with other people consistently in my life outside of my childhood and my relationship. i got bullied hard in college despite trying so hard to fit in. treated like some sort of animal... i think that was the last straw for me, and since then i just don't fit in with people.. and instead of hating humanity for hurting me, i hate myself for burdening humanity
welp time to pop some sleeping pills like a druggie so i can sleep off the misery until tomorrow night comes bc migraine

 

[whywere]

I wish i could wave a wand and take the pain away. BUT, I do not know you but I love you as a friend and you have the global family here on sanctioned suicide. WE are all the same and we all love, help, support and feel for one another. You do NOT deserve to suffer period. You are a beautiful person, and it makes my heart break to hear about your past. My "parents" were very mean to me , always called me "the mistake", so I can somewhat relate to your past. Love and peace to you my great friend and I am here for you.

 

[GrumpyFrog]

i look at other people and i'm like wow they really deserve that choice
then i look at myself and i'm like.. "i'm so gross and i'm hardly even a human being that i don't even deserve the right of freedom"

It must be really hard feeling like this. I can understand, but I really want you to remember that you aren't fundamentally different from any other person. So please don't judge yourself in a hurtful way you wouldn't judge someone else. You're just as human as all of us. You deserve just as much kindness. It is simply a fact.

welp time to pop some sleeping pills like a druggie so i can sleep off the misery until tomorrow night comes bc migraine

There's nothing wrong with sleeping pills. Sweet dreams, hope you can get some rest!

 

[sideswipe84]

in no way should your childhood have been stolen away from you, what other people have done to you is not your fault. You do deserve chances, opportunities & freedom.