Maybe i am being punished

[FireFox]

I believe i am being punished for everything in my life. The sucidial thoughts i now believe is a punishment for everything i have done wrong in my life.

Maybe i deserve the the sucidial thoughts that torment me and suck the life out of me. All this i am going through is karma , pushiment from God or whatever form of bad luck.

When i was in secondary school there was once a disccussion about postnatal depression. I was 16/17 at the time when i made these comments. I said in a class women who have postnatal depression shouldnt be allowed to have children again as the illness could come back again and they may do harm to thier child. A girl in my class said " you know what postnatal depression is
I said " what do you know what about postnatal depression"
She got upset. It turned out her mum had it. I didnt know ..i apologised as i felt bad.

I used to to think sucide was selfish espically if the person had family like children. If you have children you have live for them .

I never used to feel sorry for people with depression espically if they had money. I always believed money was everything.

I always jealous of this girl i went to school with and everyday i wish i had her life. She is still with the guy i always wanted and she has a job.
Maybe i deserve to die
I am selfish,
When i get rejected by guys i want the worst comes out of me.

I once liked a guy at cadets ( a youth organsation) . He had a girlfriend who happened to be a friend. They broke up and he kissed me . He told me he liked me . It turned out he didnt. He said i was a mistake weeks later the kiss. I lost it and screamed at him . Everyone found out what happened including my friend. I was 15 when this happend.

Another time i liked this guy i was 17/18 . He lied to me about being gay so i can longer filrt with him. I only found out when his friends revealed what he had been doing .I screamed at him in the sixth form common room and almost threw him to the floor.
I really like someone, i take interest in thier life , get crushed when they dont feel the same about me

The world does not need me
I am actually posion and i only realise this .

 

[Acerakis]

It sounds like most of those situations the other person was the poisonous one, not you. You have had a rough time haven't you.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm sorry for your pain. Sometimes we say things we shouldn't to the wrong people. I have, the only thing you can do is apologize.
If they don't accept your apology … at least you tried.
I do feel that karma has come back to me for hurting people in my past. Some things you can't make up for.
I think if someone is not interested in you then just move on. Easier to say than do... I know. Especially when it's an ex … that is the hardest.
(For me anyway) Now I don't give a shit if someone isn't interested in me anymore.

The guy that kissed you after he broke up with his girlfriend … that is on him, I get why you screamed at him. I don't know how old you are now but that won't matter anymore years down the road.
The guy that said he was gay just to avoid you is also on him. He should have just been honest. Kinda extreme to say that he was gay though.
Also kinda a dick thing to say. I don't even care anymore about the girls that weren't interested in me when I was 15-17 yrs old anymore.

I'm not good at advice but if this is the reason you are thinking about CTB … I will say give it some time. I don't know if your circumstances will change some peoples lives do get better & some do not. Mine did for awhile. It was an illusion. I don't want to CTB for relationship reasons … or lack of. I have realized that life is shitty because I am not smart and will have to work shit jobs until I die.

 

[Cashewmilk]

If that's the worst you've done then I must be the devil reincarnate