maybe ctb early wed am

[leeloosnow]

been planning to do a ctb sn. i knew it would be soon, but hoped to give things a little time to have stuff in place. well, things just keep falling apart and i am increasingly less able to manage that. years cumulative results of that is the predominant cause of my ctb. i had a brief window a couple weeks ago, got messed up, now the first part of this week is another. things got measurably worse over that short time frame. i had ppl i... at least partially trusted in the most limited sense of the term utterly screw me over in a way i wouldnt to *most* anyone, the affirmative sense of hopelessness (not that its a new or stange thing, but yep, it really is the case), time for introspection and confirm my goal. so, yes.

plan-
-10/24 finish writing letters, buy gelcaps, print out a few things for when i'm found
-no alcohol for several days beforehand. no other mood altering substances. am currently on suboxone, will take as prescribed until tues. avoiding vitamin C like the plague since last week, as in can contraindicate sn. not a prob my diet is shit anyways.
-last meal by 2pm. will continue drinking water, calorie/nutrient free drinks.
-hopefully rc/bz's or whatever benzo i find by tues. i'm confident that this will help SI and maybe reduce chance of vomiting. on tues, i should have things gathered by 10pm and belongings in place. by 12am 10/26 i'll make a decision to begin by taking low dose benzo, and getting myself ready. shower, favorite tshirt (rat shirt or mmo shirt, hmm) i want to be relaxed, and ready by the time i take a large enuf dose of benzo to cause much drowsiness. that should happen, let's say by 2am wed
-200mg quetiapine for ae. gonna do this at abt 215am
-60mg propanolol for heart rate also 215am
-30g sn not sure if i will dissolve in water or place into gelcaps. i will prolly try gelcaps if i find some at the vitamin shop tomorow. i will have either backup caps prepped or backup drinks prepped. i realize this may cause delayed absorption, but i think it may reduce the reported 'throat burn' of sn. as i will have taken enuf benzos to make me not care abt much of anything, any stomach discomfort shouldn't be a prob. gelcaps (or drinks) and backup doses will be prepped before i take first benzo dose.

there's a time frame people will be concerned abt me but won't bust down my locked door until sometime on thurs. hopefully i'll do well enuf on prep for dealing w/me n my stuff by then, so authorities will find it and not anyone i give a shit about. would like to soften the impact as much as possible but over the past few days it's apparent that won't be much impact. there's some ppl online that'll care, counselors, groups, ect. met some really awesome people here in the last couple months, having a space to talk about my thoughts, struggles, plans is one of very few comforts i have left, thank you all for that. i don't per se advocate ctb as a solution, but i think it's a personal choice that after careful consideration and exhaustion of any other option, i am in my right to make. i planned in my life not to have children. that was carefully thought out and ensured. i planned to get married, again, a lot went into that. and so, this as any other life changing decision i approach the same, this is what i want. i engaged in defferent communities over the past few weeks intentionally to get that objective view. my society should support this as they would the rest of my life choices and sadly that is not the case, so thank you for filling in where professionals fall short. i want to document this process as much as possible to give back here, for my suffering to hopefully leave something helpful for someone else. if anyone has advice, feedback, whatever lmk here, dm, don't bother with prolife shit. it'd be nice if someday society gets shaken enough by the magnitude of this pain and loneliness, being alone, feeling this way and knowing the facts, it'd be nice if ppl could be offered actual help improving their lives and if not, medical freedom and peace of mind. like i said, this isn't definite until it happens. i'm just real tired and no options left, couldn't do anything with options if i had them b/c i've tried so hard over so many years.
big hugs. i miss my fur babies, please be nice to rats <3

 

[piger]

If I may ask, are some of your letters for specific people? Don't leave them for the cops to find, they'll likely never get to who you want them to get to.

 

[leeloosnow]

If I may ask, are some of your letters for specific people? Don't leave them for the cops to find, they'll likely never get to who you want them to get to.

they're typed but some ppl dont have email, so yea. will have to work around that ty for heads up. will do a delayed email where possible
cops in this town are such shit lickers. i worked 3rd shift once at a store they'd congregate outside of and i heard them talkin' bout finding ppl, both natural and ctb. also i know they weren't paid much more than my crap job so they won't care. my counselor/dr will tho

 

[piger]

they're typed but some ppl dont have email, so yea. will have to work around that ty for heads up. will do a delayed email where possible

For the ones I would print out, I am going to entrust a friend to find them in a place where the cops wouldn't look; so he can distribute them accordingly. I wouldn't trust professionals either, they have to follow various codes placed on them to work with law enforcement or else they could lose their license.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand that it can be hard to carry on existing when you feel so tired, and of course ctb should be respected as a personal choice, but unfortunately many others think that staying alive is the more preferable option for everyone regardless of what that person is going through in life. For many people continuing to exist is simply not worth it. But I wish you freedom from suffering for when the time is right for you to leave.

 

[Idontmatter]

I hope you find peace. I've enjoyed our conversations and will miss you. Thank you for being there for me when I needed to vent. . It gets harder and harder to see such great people leave. I'll be joining you in another month.

 

[leeloosnow]

Don't worry I'll haunt the shit outta ppl for Halloween, gotta keep it interesting
When I was saying earlier that my laptop is fkd... Had all sorts of things I want there, letters... Well, had to go to FOUR shops to get someone to let me make a boot drive, called the ex who has one of my other computers, he's outta town. Spent 7 hours on that shit and it's still not working right but better, slowly running diagnostic now. On my way back on the bike, stopped for gas, while pumping I see someone has put a button on the back of my bike that says "show me your tits". Rolls eyes, spills gas all over bike seat. Ass now stinks of gas. I'm not worried if there's a hell, baphomet gonna look at me and be like, nah you good.
Made some further arrangements hoping that'll be settled by tomorrow, if not it could be later on wed. Possibly even later but I REALLY rather go wed. I'd rather this be as comfy as possible, I'm a wimp. Strange, considering I'm always practicing being in pain.
A few things happened yesterday that kinda had me thinking that most everyone I know are toxic sewer zombies, and how do I fit so many people on a fare-fyckoff-well list... But after today I'm glad the PC crash interrupted my excessive notes. They're shit people, yep, but they're suffering too. This morning I was actually motivated to take a long shower and dress decently, get myself presentable while humming "it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas"... Anyways. Gonna nap and hopefully be back on track later today. Hugs

 

[leeloosnow]

Update- absolutely nothing's working, even ctb. Going to have to push my date till tomorrow at best, ideally the weekend.

 

[Snatsbats]

Update- absolutely nothing's working, even ctb. Going to have to push my date till tomorrow at best, ideally the weekend.

You backed out because of SI? Or anxiety?

 

[leeloosnow]

Nah, no benzos, I really think that's an important component of a peaceful sn ctb. Had two 'maybe' sources lined up, haven't come thru yet. Any sort of benzo will help massively with SI. The thing that concerns me about onset of sn symptoms is noise, freaking out with a high heart rate and calling for help. I have privacy in that I can lock my bedroom door, I'm rarely disturbed even when acting strange, ex- drunk, loud. Over the summer I attempted to OD by ~1g iv coke, ems was called. Gotta be kinda cautious.
There's definitely part of me that wants to follow up with friendships, promises to fulfill, things "I should do". That's the thing with ctb tho, things will be inevitably left undone so realized I better stop giving a shit about that at some point.
Gonna just keep working on getting that last piece in order, occupy my time as meaningfully as possible, and when it's here I'll reschedule.
For about a week now I've been getting ready for ctb. Mentally preparing myself, visiting with friends I care about, hopefully leaving them with something good, beneficial. Guess I'll have to actually do laundry again, dammit. I'll probably go vote today as well, that crossed my mind, try do my part to leave the world a little less shitty.
I do want to document my process, but I also dont wanna concern anyone Abt doing it without absolute intention. I worry that I might've shat all over that fine line. Fingers crossed everything falls into place soon. I don't wanna end up with everything in hand and ctb without leaving some explanation, the documentation would be my idea of 'giving back', one more account of what happens with sn ctb the way I'll do it, help give ppl a better idea as others who've selflessly done before me here. Don't really care about 'being alone' in fact I'm probably less likely to panic while ctb if I'm not, y'know, chatting it up with another person who's turning blue. That thought, sitting next to another dying person, dunno if I'd start feeling guilty. So, yeah, anyway.