cancerline polache
New Member
- Jul 24, 2023
- 4
I've been wandering for a while on this site(even posted a couple of times but i already deleted) and if i dont chicken out i plan on ctbing soon (probs next week), i'm really thankful for this site and the ppl in it. Whether it's suicide discussion or off topic stuff those who actively participate in this site are, for the most part, way less judgmental than the rest of the internet.
I hate that i have to go cuz i have a friend i really like and i feel like a fair amount of ppl enjoy my presence but my self esteem is in absolute shambles because im horrendous and everything else in my life just feels so dull, i feel like maybe all could be better if certain people started treating me decently way earlier before i had to resort to self harm but w/e (we'll never know :')) *side note: i feel like it's so funny how some people just want you alive: i treat you like shit as far as you can take it and when you are suicidal lets make all this drama as if it was close to being surprising??? maybe im too deep into depression but i feel like some human beings are just way to narcissistic*
Also I hate how i've tired to maintain just a bit of selfsteem and every time i do i receive comments on how bad i look, be it my hair or i look exhausted or w/e(most of these from my professors btw), no shit maybe i'd look better if i received nice comments from time to time(like i never receive them and when i say im ugly ppl are like: "you look just fine! :P" no, i don't and even if i did its been too long without feeling like it so it doesnt matter anymore). What keeps me "going" atp is listtening to music(i cannot stress enough how music has carried my entire teenage and college years), this site and knowing i can ctb whenever im ready.
My method will be SN if i do go through, as i read someone suscessfully pull off before: i'll fast then take ibuprofen then water fast and finally SN (25 grams), im still planning where ill die, maybe in my bathtub or maybe next to the river at night(thinking about scheduling a message for somebody to call an ambulance so i traumatize the minimum amount of ppl as possible)
Because im studying abroad ill try to get everything clean so my mother wont have to clean anything, just take my belongings and go, i also have to finish a small group assignment but i'll do my part this weekend, on top of that i hate that im in a group with some classsmates, just for future assingments(not started yet) cuz i feel like i letting them down but well i guess it's what it is, not like they really care about me.
In the meanwhile i plan on posting a little over here even if it's not on suicide discussion because i feel closer to a lo of ppl here that dont even know me than most of my classmates i see on a daily basis and talk to more or less regularly.
Damn this was exhausting to write so sorry if it sounds too corny or grammar's shit, its what it is :^).
I hate that i have to go cuz i have a friend i really like and i feel like a fair amount of ppl enjoy my presence but my self esteem is in absolute shambles because im horrendous and everything else in my life just feels so dull, i feel like maybe all could be better if certain people started treating me decently way earlier before i had to resort to self harm but w/e (we'll never know :')) *side note: i feel like it's so funny how some people just want you alive: i treat you like shit as far as you can take it and when you are suicidal lets make all this drama as if it was close to being surprising??? maybe im too deep into depression but i feel like some human beings are just way to narcissistic*
Also I hate how i've tired to maintain just a bit of selfsteem and every time i do i receive comments on how bad i look, be it my hair or i look exhausted or w/e(most of these from my professors btw), no shit maybe i'd look better if i received nice comments from time to time(like i never receive them and when i say im ugly ppl are like: "you look just fine! :P" no, i don't and even if i did its been too long without feeling like it so it doesnt matter anymore). What keeps me "going" atp is listtening to music(i cannot stress enough how music has carried my entire teenage and college years), this site and knowing i can ctb whenever im ready.
My method will be SN if i do go through, as i read someone suscessfully pull off before: i'll fast then take ibuprofen then water fast and finally SN (25 grams), im still planning where ill die, maybe in my bathtub or maybe next to the river at night(thinking about scheduling a message for somebody to call an ambulance so i traumatize the minimum amount of ppl as possible)
Because im studying abroad ill try to get everything clean so my mother wont have to clean anything, just take my belongings and go, i also have to finish a small group assignment but i'll do my part this weekend, on top of that i hate that im in a group with some classsmates, just for future assingments(not started yet) cuz i feel like i letting them down but well i guess it's what it is, not like they really care about me.
In the meanwhile i plan on posting a little over here even if it's not on suicide discussion because i feel closer to a lo of ppl here that dont even know me than most of my classmates i see on a daily basis and talk to more or less regularly.
Damn this was exhausting to write so sorry if it sounds too corny or grammar's shit, its what it is :^).
