Venting Matricidal thoughts

[YAYorNAY]

Im so fucking Done with my mother! I am used to having the occasional thought of murdering someone but NEVER as often as when I think about murdering my mother.
She never hit me. She kept me fed. She kept me clothed. She kept a roof over my head so I never really had anything to complain about right?
well... WRONG. cause she is a bitch that always blames her children! (And since my older sibling moved out it's only me)
she always dismisses my emotions as unimportant, like whenever We try to have a conversation about my mental health, I always end up getting compared to brother and sister, who also have problems but get their life at least kind of straight.

"you believe (sister) when she talks about her problems why not me?"
"because i know about your Sisters reasons!"

i was reeeaaaalllllyyy pissed after that conversation AND MANY OTHERS.
she kept storming in my room without knocking, so I ask her to knock.
so she starts knocking but then storms right in without waiting for an answer, so I ask her to wait for an answer.
all she says is "I am your mother"
and once I said I would start to lock my door she says she would take it off the hinges. that was in my childhood. Now that I'm an adult it's gotten better right?… and again WRONG! She kept doing it until I moved into the attic and the only reason she stopped then was because she didn't like using stairs!
but recently she came upstairs and as always STORMED RIGHT IN!!!
and then the usual conversation unfolded from "I am your mother" to "if it bothers you that much get your own place" despite the fact that she knows very well why thats not currently possible!

i'm only ranting about the door stuff cause it came up again but it's so much more.
she guilt tripped me to get painful laser hair removal when I was 14 and kept telling me how thankful I would be when I'm older. (I wasn't)
whenever she wanted to teach me something she would treat me like a moron and snap at me about being bad at i.
when I was sick or hurt she told me to stop being so whiny ( like when I was 17 I slipped on the stairs and almost broke my lower jaw)
other shit that i Am too lazy to type out

i always thought I wasn't allowed to hate my mother just Because she is my family but Jesus Christ if I wasn't so scared of prison or a mental institution nothing would keep me from fucking killing her!
i have been thinking about ways to do it since I hit puberty!
Stabbing her in her sleep, poisoning her tea, etc.

I'm not actually going to do it but dear lord the thoughts have been driving me insane! I can barely stand being in the same room as her and as soon as she opens her mouth to speak I just imagine myself stabbing Her over and over again.

i have a therapy session tomorrow an I can't Wait to talk to Someone about it

anyway I guess nobody will read the whole thing but if you did… idk thanks i guess?

 

[Ultracheese]

I'm sorry that your mother is so cruel to you. Her behavior is awful and it's totally understandable why you're so frustrated with her. I have the same issues with my mother, she often refuses to hear my perspective and frequently compares me to my older sister. I hope that the therapy session is able to help you get your feelings off your chest.

 

[aforestfire]

i read the whole thing and i get what you're saying, i have constant thoughts of murdering my father, or just beating the hell out of him, even tho he hasn't been in my life since i was ten.
i hope talking with someone about it brings you some relief, i know how maddening it's.

 

[YAYorNAY]

I'm sorry that your mother is so cruel to you. Her behavior is awful and it's totally understandable why you're so frustrated with her. I have the same issues with my mother, she often refuses to hear my perspective and frequently compares me to my older sister. I hope that the therapy session is able to help you get your feelings off your chest.

does your mother also do that thing where when she talks to other people about you, twists everything around and Makes it seem like she is "just the poor mother of Someone with mental issues and is trying her best" even though she refuses to accept the fact that she helped creating your problems?
because I heard that's quite common in parents like these.

 

[Ultracheese]

does your mother also do that thing where when she talks to other people about you, twists everything around and Makes it seem like she is "just the poor mother of Someone with mental issues and is trying her best" even though she refuses to accept the fact that she helped creating your problems?
because I heard that's quite common in parents like these.

Yes! I didn't know this was so common. In her mind, I'm her "disabled child" and my job is to shut up and make her look good in front of her friends and strangers on the internet.

 

[Pluto]

Very occasionally there are stories of young people murdering parents in gruesome ways. I went through a phase of having all sorts of bloody fantasies of pulverising Nfather to a pulp. I think it's actually very healthy to feel this way. At least it acknowledges that they can never be reasoned with, and the extent of the psychological harm that their self-serving games have.

My mother did the same invasion of privacy thing, too, with no shame whatsoever. Stole my personal diary for bedside reading material. Later when I did move out of home as an adult, I caught my parents on my property peering in through the windows. When caught, they thought it was hilarious, despite being illegal trespassing. I was now the adult and they the naughty, giggling children. Despite providing food, Nmother never had any genuine maternal instincts. I sometimes look back and joke that I never knew that love was 'a thing'.

It is helpful to get a basic understanding of the way these people function so that you can decide how to proceed. There are many good articles and support groups.

Narcissistic Mother: 12 Signs & Effects On Children | mindbodygreen

A narcissistic mother sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own individual people. Everything revolves around her.

www.mindbodygreen.com

 

[Csmith8827]

TL;DR...

just move away and cut contact...

 

[YAYorNAY]

TL;DR...

just move away and cut contact...

my goodness why didn't I think of that?

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Parents prioritize the survivability of their offspring above all else, and that "caring" can manifest in a nasty way if they're tired and just want you to basically get on with it and excel by your own merit. If you are struggling or can't "make it" in a tangible way, then nothing you say or feel is going to cut it, because actions speak louder than words. I suspect for a mother like yours, the only way you get to have complaints is if you're busting your ass in the real world. These kinds of problems can be even worse if you're the youngest sibling (bigger generational gap, increased world weariness on the part of the parent).

I don't have any real advice beyond not killing her as I think this is a tough situation. One of those unstoppable force meets an immovable object type things. I wish you luck and sanity.

 

[theboy]

did u do it?

 

[Unending]

As far as the "I am your mother," thing goes, my mom does something similar where literally anytime that I try to talk to her about if she can respect a boundary of mine are stop doing something totally reasonable, she says "Oh, I just love you and care," or "Oh, I'm just a nice person," Even if it is not something a nice person would do.

This is only one example of my mom's bullshit and it drives me fucking insane so I definitely understand how horrible this type of behavior is in a mom, especially when it goes on for years and is compounded by more serious stuff. It's sort of just a way of picking at a wound when you have significant emotional baggage with your mom and then she exhibits this behavior.

 

[another@]

https://m.youtube.com/@NARCDAILYYouAreNotAlone/featured

 

[YAYorNAY]

did u do it?

No, my fear of prison or the mental hospital is bigger than my hatred

 

[LastFlowers]

does your mother also do that thing where when she talks to other people about you, twists everything around and Makes it seem like she is "just the poor mother of Someone with mental issues and is trying her best" even though she refuses to accept the fact that she helped creating your problems?
because I heard that's quite common in parents like these.

You just described my father.
(Although I could add quite a few more hellish attributes and behaviors to that list.)

 

[Pluto]

The 'innocent parent of someone with mental issues' mask is called identified patient. Scapegoating, basically. My parents were great at it, and portrayed me as someone disturbed and unrelatable so that nobody in the extended family wanted to go near me again.

It covers their asses from criticism, further alienates the victim and when their mental health declines further, they can say, "I told you so."

 

[LastFlowers]

Very occasionally there are stories of young people murdering parents in gruesome ways. I went through a phase of having all sorts of bloody fantasies of pulverising Nfather to a pulp. I think it's actually very healthy to feel this way. At least it acknowledges that they can never be reasoned with, and the extent of the psychological harm that their self-serving games have.

My mother did the same invasion of privacy thing, too, with no shame whatsoever. Stole my personal diary for bedside reading material. Later when I did move out of home as an adult, I caught my parents on my property peering in through the windows. When caught, they thought it was hilarious, despite being illegal trespassing. I was now the adult and they the naughty, giggling children. Despite providing food, Nmother never had any genuine maternal instincts. I sometimes look back and joke that I never knew that love was 'a thing'.

It is helpful to get a basic understanding of the way these people function so that you can decide how to proceed. There are many good articles and support groups.

Narcissistic Mother: 12 Signs & Effects On Children | mindbodygreen

A narcissistic mother sees her children as an extension of herself rather than as their own individual people. Everything revolves around her.

www.mindbodygreen.com

I have always tried to stay away from spaces where people refer to their family members and such as "Narcs" or similar, I guess part of the reason was that a lot of these people I saw complaining seemed quite narcissistic themselves and you weren't allowed to disagree with or question their narrative, hypocrisy, etc.
Tbh I still have an aversion to groups revolving around "N-parents" (or "just-Nos") and avoid the terminology and specific "roles" given to those in the close circle.

But I can't deny that people with these traits exist, and many of them are dangerous in one way or another, and like you said..they cannot be reasoned with.
The only real solution is to get away from them, the sooner the better, because the more they have to hold over your head, the more scared you will be to leave them with their "dirt".
And sometimes they get even worse about ruining what's left of your reputation when you escape.

When reading about a "malignant narcissist", my own parent is practically a textbook example. (Whilst I am the "scapegoat".)
And I don't need to concede the label in order to acknowledge that the characteristics are there and the harm they do is real and incredibly destructive.
The more vulnerable and dependent your situation makes you, the more they can take advantage and sabotage you further.
They can drive you absolutely mad, which only ends up painting a picture in favor of their storytelling about how they're the poor parent being ravaged by an insane child.
I think my brain has actually incurred damage from the lengths my father has gone and how I'm unable to respond to them or defend myself without making things worse.
The stress and anxiety sourced from their escapades has also compounded bodily issues and escalated any detriments I was suffering from already, I am in a constant state of panic.

I didn't even need a disturbed guardian to ensure my life was not worth living, I have plenty to contend with beyond that.
But Christ do they ever make it their mission to push you over the edge.
They love to see it.
If you ever find yourself in your own grave, 6 feet under the ground, they'll toss you a bigger shovel and screech at you to keep on digging.
Then they will caress their own arms and cry and whine like a fucking toddler, as if they were the ones doing the hard labor and suffering the consequences.

I have gotten to the point where I realize that death is far too kind of a response to certain people around me.
My father is one of these people.
He deserves torment on a scale unfathomable, on a level that matches my own and his contributions to it.
With absolutely nothing of pride to hold onto or reminisce in. Only humiliation and terror and helplessness. As well as apathy and sadism from those around him.
A taste of his own medicine.

I am so powerless against him.
And my fate has been sealed.
I can only dream of overcoming him, neutralizing his abuses and putting right his pathological lies and manipulation..the worst of which he has implemented behind my back to others in the family, leaving me no way to give my side-the truth..and making sure that if I ever do, it will only backfire and be thrown in my face.

I can't even begin to outline all of his transgressions and the context that makes them that much worse..I am so tired.
This man kicks me when I am down and then runs to the first person who will listen to how his child's evil body bloodied and bruised his foot.

The 'innocent parent of someone with mental issues' mask is called identified patient. Scapegoating, basically. My parents were great at it, and portrayed me as someone disturbed and unrelatable so that nobody in the extended family wanted to go near me again.

It covers their asses from criticism, further alienates the victim and when their mental health declines further, they can say, "I told you so."

This is the exact tactic that my father employs.
So sickening and their own gift to themselves that keeps on giving.
Even when their victim is dead.

 

[Pluto]

It's true that everyone has some amount of narcissism, and that terms like NPD get grossly overused in internet cultures. For mistreated young people, however, it can be a helpful starting point to know that when parenting goes wrong, it becomes all about the parent. People in that position have to learn that they are mistakenly putting trust in parents who are slowly killing them. I can only wonder how many youth suicides are due to people not even knowing that they are locked in a cage with a lion and should be fighting for themselves.

The main point is that when parents lack empathy - be it due to some genetic condition or a dissociative coping mechanism resulting from their own childhood trauma - they are capable of what I call murder with a smile. I only wish that the whole world knew that people like this not only exist outside of horror movies, but their natural ruthlessness means that they happen to occupy many of the most senior positions of authority in the world.

I sometimes share the story of Yakov, son of Joseph Stalin. He shot himself to try and escape the abuse but didn't die, to which Stalin responded, "He can't even shoot straight." Yakov later died in a Nazi concentration camp because Stalin declined an opportunity to exchange prisoners for him.