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Temporarilyabsurd
NOISE:signal
- Apr 27, 2018
- 438
Warning :Drug user triggers .
Oversharing All about Me.
sorry folks .
Yesterday , well 48 hours ago I scored from my local dealer ... the corner store .
Eight months I've been separated from the true loves of my life ... Caffeine and Nicotine .
Stash acquired , sauntered home , guiltily .
Water on the stove , wrapper ripped open ... the scent is intoxicating .
Rolling it up and inserting the filter .
A fresh shiney black bic flick lighter .
And my old self walks in the door ... quiet at first ,,, just calmly assured at this stage .
And what a relief .
And then the climb up that roller coaster slope to the top and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cascading down those rails .
My only outlet - this site and a reddit board spammed mercilessly .
Me me me me me me
Peaked tonight on a thread and just talked about ME .
Fuckin' narcissist .
I do think there was some relevance , but ... that is just a side issue I think .
What I'm getting at ( finaly ) is that the personality of MANIA me , is perceived by myself as apositive 'gonna get things done' kind of dude ... almost always in the abstract ... as in WORDS and not the myriad responsibilities I am committed to and avoid all the time
but seemingly more 'actively' when high with my two soft cuddly drugs .
It's been a thirty plus year marriage ...
Who is the real me ?
Soft speed me or depressed 'missing my pals ' me ?
Both I guess .
I've totally blown it because if I keep on the fags I can't go woofing on organic farms ( they are anti tobacco nazi's - and I undestand , I've been strutting about the place holier than every other person for seven months now .
So this post is just about that nebulous identity ... where any 'addiction' is concerned I guess .
I'm not sure who is more obnoxious , depressed me or speeding manic me .
On the plus side ... having kicked the booze three years ago , now I have isolated these two compounds and can perceive their
'affect' ... maybe .
Sorry if I have been offensive and inappropriate and toxically over sharing .
I always wanted to be a performer , being a "TV is more real than reality" kid ...
Maybe this computer screen sets me off ... boadcasting on my own TV channel.
"Welcome to me " is a film I can relate to .
I may be being a little over critical.
Maybe it's a mood swing thing ... moving from " Idon't want to be " to " I am everything " ... an oceanic infantile self that floods
over the usual filter boundaries .
Anyway ... this website is awesome ... and thanks for the positive feedback and just being there in whatever imperfect
way , as we all are , and can only ever be , however "healed" we may become .
Still slightly guilty about the narcissism ...
Time to stop .
Ciggy time .
Oversharing All about Me.
sorry folks .
Yesterday , well 48 hours ago I scored from my local dealer ... the corner store .
Eight months I've been separated from the true loves of my life ... Caffeine and Nicotine .
Stash acquired , sauntered home , guiltily .
Water on the stove , wrapper ripped open ... the scent is intoxicating .
Rolling it up and inserting the filter .
A fresh shiney black bic flick lighter .
And my old self walks in the door ... quiet at first ,,, just calmly assured at this stage .
And what a relief .
And then the climb up that roller coaster slope to the top and weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Cascading down those rails .
My only outlet - this site and a reddit board spammed mercilessly .
Me me me me me me
Peaked tonight on a thread and just talked about ME .
Fuckin' narcissist .
I do think there was some relevance , but ... that is just a side issue I think .
What I'm getting at ( finaly ) is that the personality of MANIA me , is perceived by myself as apositive 'gonna get things done' kind of dude ... almost always in the abstract ... as in WORDS and not the myriad responsibilities I am committed to and avoid all the time
but seemingly more 'actively' when high with my two soft cuddly drugs .
It's been a thirty plus year marriage ...
Who is the real me ?
Soft speed me or depressed 'missing my pals ' me ?
Both I guess .
I've totally blown it because if I keep on the fags I can't go woofing on organic farms ( they are anti tobacco nazi's - and I undestand , I've been strutting about the place holier than every other person for seven months now .
So this post is just about that nebulous identity ... where any 'addiction' is concerned I guess .
I'm not sure who is more obnoxious , depressed me or speeding manic me .
On the plus side ... having kicked the booze three years ago , now I have isolated these two compounds and can perceive their
'affect' ... maybe .
Sorry if I have been offensive and inappropriate and toxically over sharing .
I always wanted to be a performer , being a "TV is more real than reality" kid ...
Maybe this computer screen sets me off ... boadcasting on my own TV channel.
"Welcome to me " is a film I can relate to .
I may be being a little over critical.
Maybe it's a mood swing thing ... moving from " Idon't want to be " to " I am everything " ... an oceanic infantile self that floods
over the usual filter boundaries .
Anyway ... this website is awesome ... and thanks for the positive feedback and just being there in whatever imperfect
way , as we all are , and can only ever be , however "healed" we may become .
Still slightly guilty about the narcissism ...
Time to stop .
Ciggy time .
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