
Samsal112
Student
- Dec 20, 2021
- 179
I am not sure if I am posting this to get it all of my chest or to get some advice. I seem to have dug myself in a hole. When I registered for this site, I did so because I was ready to go and felt like ctb was my only option. I still feel this way. But, I now realize that dying is not as easy as I thought. During Christmas break, I resigned from my teaching job because I thought I would be dead before the next coming school year. I didn't want my family to have to clean out my classroom or to have my administration hustle to fill my spot with the teaching shortage going on in my country. Now, I think I may be alive longer than anticipated and I resigned...I spoke with my principal and she is willing to rescind the resignation, but I cannot quit again until the next school year, or I will never be hired back. I have a chronic illness and I am worried that something will happen and I will be forced to quit my job. My coworker is hoping I will stay, and I want to stay because I really can't afford to not have a job. I am currently living with my parents because when I first got sick, I couldn't take care of myself. I have been able to put a lot of money into my savings, and keeping my job will allow me even more of a savings. Today, a student told another teacher I was his favorite teacher. It reminded me that even in my illness, I make a damn good teacher. I let my emotions get the best of me which I always do and I am afraid I lost a job and a friend because I get hot headed. I lashed out at an ex boyfriend around the time I resigned, but I am not sure whose fault it is; was he really neglecting and treating me unfairly? I want to die. I do. But, ctb is scary and I am not very methodical. Things just seem to be getting worse.