Story Making the hard decision to not leave a letter or instructions for my parents

[GoodPersonEffed]

My parents cut off contact with me several years ago when I refused to accept the family narrative and placed on them responsibility for the physical and psychological damages of long-term childhood abuse.

As I prepare for cbt, responsibilities are going to fall on them as I do not have anyone else to name as an executor.

I wrote drafts of letters to absolve them of responsibility for my choice as it does not have to do with them. I got writer's cramp. And I realized that no matter what I say, they will as always hear it through their own distorted filters, and will naturally absolve themselves just as they did with the abuse.

I have written and re-written drafts of instructions for how best to manage all details in order to make it easier for them. I have enough money saved to cover all of their expenses. I considered sending them the bulk of the money via Westen Union, but realized that if I survive, I will no longer have access to the financial resources I have made efforts to put aside and will need.

I have the conscientious desire to take care of my responsibilities, but I realize I am expending a lot of effort for their well-being when they have not done the same for mine.

It is not my way to seek revenge. I find that such efforts harm me rather than restoring balance, and make me vulnerable to more harm. A decision to allow them to deal with the practicalities post-ctb, using their own mental and emotional resources, seems the wisest and most reasonable course of action, free of ill intentions toward them, and free of wasted efforts they will not appreciate.

I realized that if I tell them I don't want an obituary, they will be more likely to override my wish. If I say nothing, they will likely not publish one out of resentment.

I have shared with many others on this forum versions of an allegory from the book Boundaries which I find helpful:

Each of our lives is our own yard. We are responsible for maintaining our own yards. Sometimes we need others' help as part of the reciprocal nature of being social animals. This requires that others use their resources to temporarily water our yards, and we use our resources to temporarily water theirs. But at some point, if they don't like the condition of their yard, they need to use their own resources to take care of it or they will never be motivated to, because someone else is always watering their yard for them. Maybe they're okay with having a shitty yard, and we have to be okay with that and focus on the condition of our own. Sometimes we put so much of our resources into others' yards that we don't have enough for our own, and then we either have to take back the hose and water our own yard or end up with a shitty yard ourselves.

I've decided to apply the advice to my own situation. I'm taking back my hose and letting them deal with what's in their yard with their own resources.

I cannot help that something from my yard ends up in theirs or I would. They chose to adopt me, and they are legally responsible for the body I leave behind and tying up the final details of my life. Any loving or conscientious effort I put forth to tend to what ends up in their yard is wasted effort. If I give my last drops of water, they will perceive it as a foreign substance.

My default is to think about how they will feel as they deal with the burdens and challenges, along with pain they will feel, even though that pain has to do with them, with how they perceive themselves and me, not with me as who I am. So I'm having to work to redirect my focus to myself. I am not committing a selfish act but a logical one. To continue to live solely to ease their load is to serve their selfishness and their illusions. To try to make the situation easier for them does the same.

Because I am not vengeful, this is not satisfying. There is no satisfying solution. But at least I recognize what's not in my yard and what is. Seems I keep progressing as the best person I can be even as I focus my efforts on ending my life.

Thank you for reading.

Support welcome.

Edit: The title is misleading. This post was on the process of making the decision. It is already made. No letter, no instructions. Freedom.

 

[Shakespear's Brother]

I have the conscientious desire to take care of my responsibilities, but I realize I am expending a lot of effort for their well-being when they have not done the same for mine.

Thanks for articulating this so well.

I am in a very similar situation and have been struggling with the same concerns and your post is very illuminating to me.

I'm taking back my hose and letting them deal with what's in their yard with their own resources.

This is so profound and speaks so precisely to where I feel I want to be.

 

[Jean4]

Welcome to the forum!

My opinion since you have a strained relationship with your parents.

Write a letter for your emotional well being. Whatever you want to say. Any instructions you want.

I know my mother wouldn't care about my feelings or anything I wanted. Anything I said or wanted wouldn't matter. She has her own belief how my life should have been and I didn't fit the mold. She also wouldn't follow any instructions.

My thought personally. Do what is best for you. Do you are at peace. Luckily, you won't know the ultimate outcome.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

My opinion since you have a strained relationship with your parents.

Write a letter for your emotional well being. Whatever you want to say. Any instructions you want.

Yup. Wrote the letters and instructions. All brought clarity detailed in the OP and about what details are left. Definitely not exercises in futility, they ultimately watered my own yard.

My thought personally. Do what is best for you. Do you are at peace. Luckily, you won't know the ultimate outcome.

Yup. The efforts led to the decision that laid some things to rest and brought peace. I won't know the outcome, and I can't create one; I don't have to own their shit any. more.

EDIT:
Wish I had worded the title slightly differently. The post was on how I made the decision. I am at peace with it. So I put an edit at the end of the OP. Thank you, @Jean4 for your compassionate effort and for showing me I needed to clarify.

 

[TAW122]

Thanks for sharing your story, and yes, it is a very personal decision regarding whether to leave a letter, note, or instructions post-CTB. I do wish you the best and peace when your time comes.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

The Proverbs say that a fool will hate you if you correct him, and a wise man will appreciate you.

I have learned in recent years to appreciate and value valid correction. It enhances my well-being and my relationships. It is sad to me that my parents hated me for correcting them. They never understood that in pointing out abuse, I was offering them the opportunity to be closer to me, and that I wanted to be closer than them. Similar to what @Jean4 said, I was never going to fit the mold of the child they wanted close to them. So many dangling carrots, but I had to annihilate myself to reach them, and that still wouldn't have been enough I don't think.

I recently read the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius. He is the only leader to have earned my admiration. I really appreciate these two quotes and they guide many of my interactions, both in listening and in speaking:


By thy rational faculty stir up his rational faculty; show him his error, admonish him. For if he listens, thou wilt cure him, and there is no need of anger.

and

If any man is able to convince me and show me that I do not think or act rightly, I will gladly change; for I seek the truth, by which no man was ever injured. But he is injured who abides in his error and ignorance.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

My default is to think about how they will feel as they deal with the burdens and challenges, along with pain they will feel, even though that pain has to do with them, with how they perceive themselves and me, not with me as who I am. So I'm having to work to redirect my focus to myself. I am not committing a selfish act but a logical one. To continue to live solely to ease their load is to serve their selfishness and their illusions. To try to make the situation easier for them does the same.

I completely relate to this.

You deserve every right to care about yourself, and prioritize your own feelings first and foremost. It leaves you in a tough spot, for sure, but i think you have figured out what is the best way to proceed, for yourself.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

A day later and back to feeling shitty about what they're going to have to deal with. Identifying my body. Making arrangements for cremation. Dealing with probate and logistics and expenses and creditors. And they will mourn. They are in their late 70s, I don't know if their health issues progressed. This is going to have a major impact on them.

I am hurt, and rightfully so, but I don't hate them or want to punish them.

I made some progress in the OP, especially about the effort of the letter. That's truly a lost cause. And recognizing boundaries is good. But I was wrong about the instructions, it is my responsibility to ease their burdens by giving them info and suggestions for some resources they will need.

All this just fucking sucks. It sucks to be an ethical person. It sucks to have empathy. I know none of this will matter to me anymore when I'm gone, but I'm here now and I care how they will be affected. And I cannot change my situation or I would, and I would keep on living, but it is already unbearable and will get worse. This is why I chose the username GoodPersonEffed.

(No, don't want to go into my situation. That's one thing I am certain about and don't need help to work out. Gonna keep it private.)

Thanks for reading.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I made a list of how my dad has been abusive.

I made a list of how my mom has been abusive.

I made a list of what they most likely will do if I survive and am incapacitated: have the state appoint someone to oversee my care and manage my finances.

I made a list of all their resources to support them (I have none).

I weighed out how much I have protected them and how little they protected me.

I checked in with my soul.

Then I wrote the final draft of the list of I fo they'll need with no letter, no soothing, and no apologies that the responsibilities land on them. I told them my express wishes and explained how it would benefit them to not publish an obituary, but if they felt a strong need to override one of my wishes, to have me buried instead of cremated.

My soul feels better. I maintained my self-respect and my dignity. I feel like I can face God, which is only something within me anyway.

 

[jgm63]

My parents cut off contact with me several years ago when I refused to accept the family narrative and placed on them responsibility for the physical and psychological damages of long-term childhood abuse.

As I prepare for cbt, responsibilities are going to fall on them as I do not have anyone else to name as an executor.

I wrote drafts of letters to absolve them of responsibility for my choice as it does not have to do with them. I got writer's cramp. And I realized that no matter what I say, they will as always hear it through their own distorted filters, and will naturally absolve themselves just as they did with the abuse.

I have written and re-written drafts of instructions for how best to manage all details in order to make it easier for them. I have enough money saved to cover all of their expenses. I considered sending them the bulk of the money via Westen Union, but realized that if I survive, I will no longer have access to the financial resources I have made efforts to put aside and will need.

I have the conscientious desire to take care of my responsibilities, but I realize I am expending a lot of effort for their well-being when they have not done the same for mine.

It is not my way to seek revenge. I find that such efforts harm me rather than restoring balance, and make me vulnerable to more harm. A decision to allow them to deal with the practicalities post-ctb, using their own mental and emotional resources, seems the wisest and most reasonable course of action, free of ill intentions toward them, and free of wasted efforts they will not appreciate.

I realized that if I tell them I don't want an obituary, they will be more likely to override my wish. If I say nothing, they will likely not publish one out of resentment.

I have shared with many others on this forum versions of an allegory from the book Boundaries which I find helpful:

Each of our lives is our own yard. We are responsible for maintaining our own yards. Sometimes we need others' help as part of the reciprocal nature of being social animals. This requires that others use their resources to temporarily water our yards, and we use our resources to temporarily water theirs. But at some point, if they don't like the condition of their yard, they need to use their own resources to take care of it or they will never be motivated to, because someone else is always watering their yard for them. Maybe they're okay with having a shitty yard, and we have to be okay with that and focus on the condition of our own. Sometimes we put so much of our resources into others' yards that we don't have enough for our own, and then we either have to take back the hose and water our own yard or end up with a shitty yard ourselves.

I've decided to apply the advice to my own situation. I'm taking back my hose and letting them deal with what's in their yard with their own resources.

I cannot help that something from my yard ends up in theirs or I would. They chose to adopt me, and they are legally responsible for the body I leave behind and tying up the final details of my life. Any loving or conscientious effort I put forth to tend to what ends up in their yard is wasted effort. If I give my last drops of water, they will perceive it as a foreign substance.

My default is to think about how they will feel as they deal with the burdens and challenges, along with pain they will feel, even though that pain has to do with them, with how they perceive themselves and me, not with me as who I am. So I'm having to work to redirect my focus to myself. I am not committing a selfish act but a logical one. To continue to live solely to ease their load is to serve their selfishness and their illusions. To try to make the situation easier for them does the same.

Because I am not vengeful, this is not satisfying. There is no satisfying solution. But at least I recognize what's not in my yard and what is. Seems I keep progressing as the best person I can be even as I focus my efforts on ending my life.

Thank you for reading.

Support welcome.

Edit: The title is misleading. This post was on the process of making the decision. It is already made. No letter, no instructions. Freedom.

I suppose you can write "neutral" statements for them : e.g. "I have no particular preference regarding <x>, however I would be perfectly happy for you to choose whichever arrangement is the most convenient or lowest cost", etc, etc.....

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I suppose you can write "neutral" statements for them : e.g. "I have no particular preference regarding <x>, however I would be perfectly happy for you to choose whichever arrangement is the most convenient or lowest cost", etc, etc.....

It's not neutral though. It's my choice, my express wishes. I'm really firm about not wanting an obituary notice.

They are controlling and have a hard time hearing my choice. They don't see me as autonomous. For instance, my parents eloped. My father's mom wanted to control the wedding, so they made it a non-option and did it privately. When I got married, my ex and I decided to get married at my church and only have witnesses, our two best friends. My ex was adamant about not videoing the ceremony due to another friend's negative experience. Mom was supposedly fine with our plans.

Not long after the honeymoon, she admitted she and her next door neighbor had snuck into the church and videoed the wedding from the balcony. My ex demanded but did not receive the tape. He and my parents never spoke again. Would that I had followed suit.

Fortunately, I will no longer care about the obituary after I'm gone. It will be totally in their control and I will no longer be impacted by their shit.

This is what is so frustrating. I am conscientious and make a point to not put my shit on others, including them. Yet they run right over me. There is a strong temptation to just let them deal with it, figure it all out on their own, use their support system that I do not have. Maybe it's not really being conscientious, maybe it it would be healing to overpower what I suspect is an underlying message to serve their needs. I admit it's a little satisfying to think of them finally being forced to be responsible for me. If only it weren't at the same time as the semi-shock and the grief.
@jgm63 hope you didn't feel negated. Your comment provided a foil to work through some stuff. This thread is therapy for me.

 

[jgm63]

It's not neutral though. It's my choice, my express wishes. I'm really firm about not wanting an obituary notice.

They are controlling and have a hard time hearing my choice. They don't see me as autonomous. For instance, my parents eloped. My father's mom wanted to control the wedding, so they made it a non-option and did it privately. When I got married, my ex and I decided to get married at my church and only have witnesses, our two best friends. My ex was adamant about not videoing the ceremony due to another friend's negative experience. Mom was supposedly fine with our plans.

Not long after the honeymoon, she admitted she and her next door neighbor had snuck into the church and videoed the wedding from the balcony. My ex demanded but did not receive the tape. He and my parents never spoke again. Would that I had followed suit.

Fortunately, I will no longer care about the obituary after I'm gone. It will be totally in their control and I will no longer be impacted by their shit.

This is what is so frustrating. I am conscientious and make a point to not put my shit on others, including them. Yet they run right over me. There is a strong temptation to just let them deal with it, figure it all out on their own, use their support system that I do not have. Maybe it's not really being conscientious, maybe it it would be healing to overpower what I suspect is an underlying message to serve their needs. I admit it's a little satisfying to think of them finally being forced to be responsible for me. If only it weren't at the same time as the semi-shock and the grief.
@jgm63 hope you didn't feel negated. Your comment provided a foil to work through some stuff. This thread is therapy for me.

I'm not offended/negated at all. If this process is helping you to reach clarity then that's great....
I probably don't follow all the nuances of your various thought processes, and I'm feeling pretty tired at the moment, so my brain is not functioning very well, so I may have to leave you to reach your conclusions for now, or perhaps another SS-er with a fresher mind than me can step in to help you kick the ball forward.....

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I'm not offended/negated at all. If this process is helping you to reach clarity then that's great....
I probably don't follow all the nuances of your various thought processes, and I'm feeling pretty tired at the moment, so my brain is not functioning very well, so I may have to leave you to reach your conclusions for now, or perhaps another SS-er with a fresher mind than me can step in to help you kick the ball forward.....

Aw thanks. I don't even really need that. Just having support, someone who cares, is really helpful.