Venting Making plans to CTB

[DeraSucks]

It's been a wild run. But I'm done lmao.
There's no way I can tell this to anyone around me without being restrained. So I'll let it out here.
I'm getting my SN ready, I'm writing my goodbyes. I'll probably do it Saturday night, that way I'll be able to be discovered later. I'll have more time to let the SN set in.
It didn't work last time. I tried, in around october(?) I was discovered too early, I vomited it out. I lied my ass off and it worked. The doctors didn't suspect a thing.

A lot of things happened. And I don't know what to do. This is gonna sound so fucking lame. But my grades came out, they're exactly what I expected to get, horrible.
I think a part of me did this so I'd sabotage any hope of me making it out to the future. And as much as I hate to say it, I was right.
I'm the one who trapped myself with nowhere to go but to CTB, so that's what I'm gonna do.

I love so many people. Every time I'm with them, this horrible ache goes away.
Then they leave. And I'm alone. And I realise I cannot rely on people like this.

They love me. I don't get why. But they do, they love me. What I'm about to do will hurt them so much.

But the way I see it, it's bound to happen nomatter what. I didn't give it my best shot, but I swear to god I did what I can. I survived every attempt, I'm so insanely lucky that I swear this world is fucking with me.
If I leave now, they'd be able to move on from me sooner. I can't weigh them down like this anymore.

But this is so shitty of me, because I'm going to leave soon. And I don't know if I still deserve to say that I love them. When I'm going to leave them like this. I'm so sorry. I'm just so, so tired. It's been too long. I'm not strong enough to go on anymore. I'm so sorry.

 

[R. A.]

because you've hardly posted, when you say your grades being bad is a motivating factor in this, i can't help but wonder about the thing everyone hates when it gets asked - what it is making you want to go. i'm making a big assumption but that gives me the impression that you may be quite young, and circumstances could be temporary and changed with some outside help/advice/perspective.

disregard if irrelevant but happy to hear more and chat. <3

 

[DeraSucks]

because you've hardly posted, when you say your grades being bad is a motivating factor in this, i can't help but wonder about the thing everyone hates when it gets asked - what it is making you want to go. i'm making a big assumption but that gives me the impression that you may be quite young, and circumstances could be temporary and changed with some outside help/advice/perspective.

disregard if irrelevant but happy to hear more and chat. <3

Not at all, thanks for asking, actually you wanting to hear me out makes me feel nice.
But yes, I'm probably younger than most people on this site.
As of why, it's a lot of reasons. My grades is just the last straw.
I spent half my life trying to end it, and I failed every time (well, obviously lol). I'm just really really tired haha. I'm not really sure exactly what started these thoughts. But I tripped on it once a long time ago and never came back out.

To be honest, I gave up on my important exams because I thought if I did, then there will be no chance of me having a future anymore. I'm forced to face the consequences of my actions and thus I have to do this. I hate myself for pulling this shit but i guess it worked.

I can't afford nor will my family allow me psychological help, even though they've caught me years ago trying to hang myself. They just told me I deserve it lolol.

My family is weird, maybe that's why it started.
But I have great friends.
And regardless of how I was treated by the people I hold close to my heart, I truly love all of them, that will never change. So the decision to CTB is something that took a in me to make.

If I need to give a reason why I wanna go, I don't think I have a straight answer. It's just that I don't have anywhere else to go. This unbearable bullshit feeling in my heart has gone on for way too long I actually cannot stand it. And I just don't see a future for someone like me.

 

[SomedayorNexttime]

I want to CTB over my grades, too. It's not the full story, but it's a big part of it. I've ruined my own life and I want out.
I hope you find peace. Please enjoy this Saturday as much as you can at least.

 

[DeraSucks]

I want to CTB over my grades, too. It's not the full story, but it's a big part of it. I've ruined my own life and I want out.
I hope you find peace. Please enjoy this Saturday as much as you can at least.

I feel u on that one, thanks a lot. I wish the best for you man. This kinda sucks fr

 

[R. A.]

Not at all, thanks for asking, actually you wanting to hear me out makes me feel nice.
But yes, I'm probably younger than most people on this site.
As of why, it's a lot of reasons. My grades is just the last straw.
I spent half my life trying to end it, and I failed every time (well, obviously lol). I'm just really really tired haha. I'm not really sure exactly what started these thoughts. But I tripped on it once a long time ago and never came back out.

To be honest, I gave up on my important exams because I thought if I did, then there will be no chance of me having a future anymore. I'm forced to face the consequences of my actions and thus I have to do this. I hate myself for pulling this shit but i guess it worked.

I can't afford nor will my family allow me psychological help, even though they've caught me years ago trying to hang myself. They just told me I deserve it lolol.

My family is weird, maybe that's why it started.
But I have great friends.
And regardless of how I was treated by the people I hold close to my heart, I truly love all of them, that will never change. So the decision to CTB is something that took a in me to make.

If I need to give a reason why I wanna go, I don't think I have a straight answer. It's just that I don't have anywhere else to go. This unbearable bullshit feeling in my heart has gone on for way too long I actually cannot stand it. And I just don't see a future for someone like me.

that's shit about your family. i'm sorry
to be honest, they sound to me like a huge influence in this for you. i can't imagine being told i "deserve it" by people who are supposed to care about me and how much that would hurt.

you mention good people in your life. i'm Sherlocking between "exams", "younger than most" and so on to assume you are 18 (hopefully not younger and here against rules) and just finished highschool. i know nothing of your family situation, but for me - moving out around that age was a massive positive in my life. i never realised some home shit that i just took as normal was actually not because i grew up with it and never knew anything else. being out on my own away from family, it was like another world literally.

of course i had the means and initiative to make that happen; you may not, or maybe not without help. there are people on here who for whatever reason are literally unable to get away from their families (dependence due to disability mostly), but there are ways for social / financial / help out of these things. think of if this way: if you're ready to die anyway, why not see if changing the situation helps you want to live?

 

[DeraSucks]

that's shit about your family. i'm sorry
to be honest, they sound to me like a huge influence in this for you. i can't imagine being told i "deserve it" by people who are supposed to care about me and how much that would hurt.

you mention good people in your life. i'm Sherlocking between "exams", "younger than most" and so on to assume you are 18 (hopefully not younger and here against rules) and just finished highschool. i know nothing of your family situation, but for me - moving out around that age was a massive positive in my life. i never realised some home shit that i just took as normal was actually not because i grew up with it and never knew anything else. being out on my own away from family, it was like another world literally.

of course i had the means and initiative to make that happen; you may not, or maybe not without help. there are people on here who for whatever reason are literally unable to get away from their families (dependence due to disability mostly), but there are ways for social / financial / help out of these things. think of if this way: if you're ready to die anyway, why not see if changing the situation helps you want to live?

I don't think there's help like this for where i live right now. Even before Ive called hotlines and social workers, and they couldn't help me. It's a bit of a social norm here for parents to beat on their children, and be it physical hurt or emotional, I don't think I have a say in what my parents do to me. And for some reason I'm really really scared to try. I just can't afford to live if i decide to leave. And more importantly I'm not sure if I can muster up the motivation for me to try any longer. It feels like I've been in limbo for so long and I forgot what it's like to want to get up. Thanks a lot for chatting with me though, and I'm so glad ur out of that family too, it makes me feel less alone haha