Discussion making myself sick

[Matthew]

I suppose I'm just dumping some ideas here. I smoke, eat like shit and don't move all day. I have not been to a doctor or dentist in 10 years. I have a lump on my leg and head, but I don't know what they really are, I also have sharp shooting pains in various places from time to time. Sometimes it feels like my heart is stopping and I inhale, feel a stabbing pain, then it almost clicks and starts beating like normal again. I don't know why, but neglecting my health and facing a miserable death in a hospital bed, or my bedroom floor, seems easier than getting up and making something happen tonight. I watched my grand father die of lung cancer in a hospital, he was on drugs and died unconscious which really doesn't seem so bad. My entire life I have been a coward and just waited for things to happen, so it's funny that this method is the only one that actually seems achievable. Maybe I am not afraid of pain, I am afraid of action.

 

[Smilla]

Sounds like you are slowly waiting to succumb to your health issues—probably better to either attempt to address them now or ctb, rather than linger in the painful limbo you are in.