So I been lurking for a few months now and I have to say I am extremely happy to have found this forum and reading what others posts and the multiple resources have been great. I have been wanting to CTB for many years and attempted twice in 2018 . It was unsuccessful because of SI. I been on antidepressants since 2006 and just tired of life in general. I wake up daily hating I am still here. The antidepressants make me feel like my life is not real. I guess working years in the social work field is kind of ironic. I am constantly helping others and listening to them vent all while I feel like a husk, empty and lack of emotion or care for myself but I care for other people. I don't know what's that's called but it's frustrating to say the least. My story is so long maybe I'll post it someday. Anyway my to do list. I don't mind discussions about my to do list it would be helpful to see what people think.
I have SN arriving soon from DMC. I choose SN because it's easier to hide from my bf and I order so much from online stores he doesn't check boxes. I have Meto arriving soon. I have been working with my psych for years so I asked for benzos so I hope I hear back soon. So my to do list is:
I will work as usually until I get all my stuff. I have a significant high paying job and lots of responsibilities and people will notice if I slack off and I am afraid I will slack off once I make my CTB date. I have been put in a psych ward since working here and all my coworkers know I struggle so I don't want them to be suspicious that I have yet another plan. They say it's the work we do that pushes people over the edge but little they know this work is the only thing keeping me here not even my own children are keeping me here which sounds harsh but when your depressed for years and years coupled with antidepressants overload you lose a part of you. I feel like a empty husk.
Anyway back to the todo list lol.
1. Work as normal until SN and other arrive.
2. Make a journal for all my financial records and give bank my kids updated information for them to be beneficiaries.
3. Research local cremation providers so my partner doesn't have to go through that. Have money set aside to pay for that
4. Leave a delayed emails for my children? Still thinking if that's a good idea or not. I just don't want them feeling like they were not good enough for me to stick around. All my choices are due to my struggle. They have nothing to do with my decisions..
5. Figure out where to CTB. If I CTB at home my bf will find me. He works 12 hours a day so if I CTB when he leaves I hope to have enough time to cross over. Or get a hotel? Problem is I know so many local people so if I go into a hotel alone they will text my bf thinking I'm there to cheat on him.
Anyway that's my to do list. Idk if it's a solid plan but it's what I have. Oh I also have vehicles i am not sure if I should leave them to my bf so he can sell them. My kids are too young for cars. I also have a few antique firearms old war rifles im not sure how to get rid of them without suspicion. I always said to people if I sell my collection of the old WWII and WWI rifles then they better be concerned lol. Well I guess it's best to write a will for them? I wonder if the authorities will just seize them after I die? Who knows. More research is needed.
I have SN arriving soon from DMC. I choose SN because it's easier to hide from my bf and I order so much from online stores he doesn't check boxes. I have Meto arriving soon. I have been working with my psych for years so I asked for benzos so I hope I hear back soon. So my to do list is:
I will work as usually until I get all my stuff. I have a significant high paying job and lots of responsibilities and people will notice if I slack off and I am afraid I will slack off once I make my CTB date. I have been put in a psych ward since working here and all my coworkers know I struggle so I don't want them to be suspicious that I have yet another plan. They say it's the work we do that pushes people over the edge but little they know this work is the only thing keeping me here not even my own children are keeping me here which sounds harsh but when your depressed for years and years coupled with antidepressants overload you lose a part of you. I feel like a empty husk.
Anyway back to the todo list lol.
1. Work as normal until SN and other arrive.
2. Make a journal for all my financial records and give bank my kids updated information for them to be beneficiaries.
3. Research local cremation providers so my partner doesn't have to go through that. Have money set aside to pay for that
4. Leave a delayed emails for my children? Still thinking if that's a good idea or not. I just don't want them feeling like they were not good enough for me to stick around. All my choices are due to my struggle. They have nothing to do with my decisions..
5. Figure out where to CTB. If I CTB at home my bf will find me. He works 12 hours a day so if I CTB when he leaves I hope to have enough time to cross over. Or get a hotel? Problem is I know so many local people so if I go into a hotel alone they will text my bf thinking I'm there to cheat on him.
Anyway that's my to do list. Idk if it's a solid plan but it's what I have. Oh I also have vehicles i am not sure if I should leave them to my bf so he can sell them. My kids are too young for cars. I also have a few antique firearms old war rifles im not sure how to get rid of them without suspicion. I always said to people if I sell my collection of the old WWII and WWI rifles then they better be concerned lol. Well I guess it's best to write a will for them? I wonder if the authorities will just seize them after I die? Who knows. More research is needed.
