Venting Making music - keeping me alive & the reason why I want to die

[j1nxxb0yjj4ke]

hey guys,

idk how organised n structured this post will be.
I have some notes I wrote in German I also may include in here..

my main topic, my main reason why im so frustrated, why my depression and borderline are killing me right now is making music. (and a guy im currently talking to, but that's another topic).
I make music, or at least try to. Scenecore, Hyperpop, Dark Scenecore, Dark Hyperpop, Digicore, stuff like that.
I've started my first 2 beats in December, didn't finish them. Took a long pause and started again in like March/April.
I'm mentally ill and on meds so being constant with making music or the progress or whatever, isn't very linear.

I literally try my best. I put in hours of work a day, for days, for weeks, for months. - Not always, I get depressed and take long breaks of either a couple of days or weeks, when its bad.
But still, it frustrates me so fucking much. It makes me want to kill myself, as dumb as it sounds.
I'm in two Discord groups, one is mainly for making music for those genres I mentioned.
I always see how they make songs in a day or a couple of days. Or how they make beats/their vocals.
It's not good nor great, but they finish it.
They have multiple songs. They sound scenecore. - Even if they have no own style nor sound identity, no one would recognize their work from other (new) artists, but still.
They make so much, they can actually do it. They understand how to make scenecore/hyperpop.
I always have to watch YouTube videos/shorts, ask ChatGPT how to make a lead or bass or whatever.
I feel like a cheater, like a loser. - The only thing I'm truly confident about is my ability to write lyrics.
I also know I literally LIVE that life everyone's singing about. Drugs, sex, alcohol, self hatred, self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc.
I have so much potential. I have the looks, the life, the passion, etc.
But I'm too dumb. Too dumb to make any good music, or even beats or vocals.
-
The reason why it makes me want to kill myself:

I want to have the skills now, be a good, great producer now. Have the ability to do the vocals/effects now. Be able to make songs in a day, or a couple, now.
Not in a couple of months, or even years. I cant wait anymore, I don't wanna wait anymore.
The time and patience I'd have to put in to KEEP LIVING until I become like my fav artists (asteria, d3r, kets4eki, rebzyyx, korpsebunny, pixel hood, lycra, etc).
The life, my life I'd have to keep on living.
Plus the frustration of trying and failing, over and over and over again.
I cant. I don't want to.
I know it sounds silly, dumb.
But it hurts. To see others get so much by doing so little.
Its like they could do it in their sleep, even the newcomers who have just a few months of experience.

I also wanna be good in just a few weeks, or 1-3 months.
I also wanna go viral, become famous, become a successful musician. Live from my music.

-

Here are some texts I translated into English with google translate:
I could cry and freak out. I've been sitting at my laptop since 10:30 in the morning, thinking I could at least get some vocals or the sound right...
By the way, I have depression, borderline personality disorder, ADHD, CPTSD, schizophrenia, DID.
I'm also in a Discord group for people who like/do scenecore.
I see and hear them posting their songs and beats.
Not great, but oh well.
Better than nothing, worse than good.
But I can't do anything.
I've been making music properly for a few months, and how far have I got? 0.
I can't do anything. Definitely not on my own.
Everything takes hours, days, weeks.
No matter whether it's perfect or bad.
I want it so badly, to be a musician, to be famous, etc. I used to be bullied, and "rockstar" was used as an insult... I thought it was funny...
What I'm about to say sounds arrogant, but I always knew that no matter what I did, I'd become a musician, famous, and good, and achieve my dreams no matter what I did, no matter what happened.
But I don't know... I've been feeling so shitty since now, or rather today, again.
I finally want to be on top, to be able to do everything, to be the best producer, vocal mixer, musician. Now. Not only with practice, experience, and in a few months or 1-3 years...
I want to die hoping that something will really come of music. Like, really. Like, at the neighborhood level of fame or higher, at first like korpsebunny, then rebzyyx, kets4eki, then higher and higher, the spectrum of sounds continues -
back to the Discord group..., they say they make their songs in a few days, half a week or a week at the most.
I feel like a noob.
I know I have more than potential.
Theoretically speaking, I would be the perfect "rock star" in terms of vibe, looks, past life, lifestyle, lyrics, creativity, etc. (yes, sounds arrogant)
I finally want to be able to do everything now. Not in a few years.
The only thing that's holding me back is the hope that music will turn out well, that I can do it as well as Rebzyyx, Asteria, etc., even better.
But that would take time.
I can't wait any longer. I'm so extremely frustrated, so depressed, so depressed.
I finally want to have the skills to churn out songs.
I can't wait any longer, it hurts.


#2
And what I'm writing now is in the text edit because I don't know.

I saw a new scenecore artist on TikTok, he's been spamming his songs and promo videos, etc. the whole time.
He's even done stuff with really well-known, famous scenecore artists even though he's COMPLETELY unknown. (I think he paid to make songs with them...)
His songs sound like almost every scenecore song.
Yeah, pretty good tbh.
I messaged him, asked if we wanted to be friends, make music.
He said, "For business inquiries, message me on my main account."
BUSINESS INQUIRIES??? Almost nobody knows you!
I looked him up on Spotify,
18k monthly listeners, artist since 2025, and only a handful of songs out...

And he's 'famous'? He makes easy songs, goes viral. He probably doesn't work long on the songs.

I need weeks.
My first beats don't even sound like normal scenecore.
I'm frustrated... and jealous, yes...
Why him? Why does he have it so easy?
I want it too, even more.
I put in hours, weeks of work.
Definitely not him.
When will it be my turn?

I finally want to be there..., stay there... on top.


#3
Some of their messages (2-3 people):

he's just doing what he needs to do..i don't think there's nun wrong w dat tho i get it,it can be annoying but still ..paid or not..that's the game..and it doesn't matter how long or short it takes for somone to make music, if it's good..it's good, atleast they doing sumn..instead of being emotional about it do sumn too

——

seems to me like you just mad at someone's grind ,generic or not, people fw it so aye..it's still something and that's better than nothing and no such thing as cheating..they're just working harder or smarter..paid or not, money is still something you work for and good for them they can pay for shit

— —

u vent, I'm just giving u my take
f u can't take critisc
don't be on here

——-

Ok i get u man but nobody said that at all. As much as it wasn't people's place to diminish you they were only trying to give some advice, because to be honest, u won't get far with the attitude u have, i understand how u feel bro

--


and I'm being hella honest w u..i ain't boutta sugar coat shit just because ..if u can't handle that than ay. that's ur problem not mine

--

tbh u were being too emotional bc i don't think ppl will normally be mad at that..Just being honest ..not being a troll and shi


#4
I keep hearing from my parents and friends that the artists I love so much and want to be/sound like have connections and friends who help them and do the same thing.

They work together.

It's easier, simpler, better, faster.

And I make terrible beats... sorry, but that's it.

I can't even do anything on my own.

Even the people on Discord said, 'I just use my ear, listen to songs, and yeah.' Several of them, actually.

Me? I can't do it.

I wish I were as good as these artists. Not soon. NOW.

I also want to hear something quickly, get some inspiration, tinker around for a few hours, and make the best scenecore/dark scenecore/dark hyperpop beat.


My dad said, 'Everyone has their talents. Some in music, to do something like that. Don't waste your energy.'
And I make crappy beats... sorry, but that's it.
I can't even do anything on my own.
Even the people on Discord said, 'I just use my ear, listen to songs, and yeah.' Several of them even did.
Me? I can't do it.
I wish I were as good as these artists. Not soon. NOW.
I also want to hear something quickly, get some inspiration, tinker around for a few hours, and make the most amazing scenecore/dark scenecore/dark hyperpop beat.

My dad said, 'Everyone has their talents. Some people in music, doing something like that. Don't waste your energy.'

Coco.
Really.
When?
When will I become like Asteria? Kets4eki? Rebzyyx? D3R?
Do I REALLY have what it takes?
Why is it taking me so long? So, so, so long? For ONE project, MONTHS...
and in general... improved? Not really. Maybe even worse.
Is my dad right?
Am I wasting my time and energy?
Sure, I have great ideas and extremely good lyrics. But the execution/beatmaking? That's killing me.
That's defeating me.
Will I make it? Ever? If so, when? Soon? When soon?
I wish I could just emulate all the skills of the artists I love...
And yeah, please don't talk about how they also made crap in the beginning, had no idea,
or that I need patience and experience...
I know, I wish I had it all behind me already.
I wish I also had the artist friends and connections...
I wish I could really become something...
now, soon, asap - not sometime, in months/years...

-


Sorry for the extremely long vent.
'coco' is ChatGPT, I always vent to her..
I'd appreciate anything. Honest opinion, motivation, tips, constructive criticism. Help.

I feel like a loser who can only cry around and do nothing.
I'm so sorry.

Thanks for even reading one word.

Much Love. <33
- Jake

 

[derpyderpins]

There's a lot here, but I wanted to say "I get you."

But still, it frustrates me so fucking much. It makes me want to kill myself, as dumb as it sounds.

Doesn't sound dumb to me. You see artful creation as a path to higher actualization, and it seems out of reach.

I'm in two Discord groups, one is mainly for making music for those genres I mentioned.
I always see how they make songs in a day or a couple of days. Or how they make beats/their vocals.

Vocals make me incredibly depressed, too, tbh. I know my singing voice is good, and I'm not a bad singer, but getting my vocals to sound decent in a mix has always been something out of reach for me. Maybe by the time I'm even older and my voice goes, lol.

I always have to watch YouTube videos/shorts, ask ChatGPT how to make a lead or bass or whatever.
I feel like a cheater, like a loser.

Gotta learn from something/someone. Learning is never cheating.

And even taking techniques, so long as the goal is to make something that is "yours" using that technique, is perfectly fine. They're putting it there for a reason.

"Talent borrows, genius steals."

- The only thing I'm truly confident about is my ability to write lyrics.

That can be a major differentiator.

I also know I literally LIVE that life everyone's singing about. Drugs, sex, alcohol, self hatred, self harm, suicidal thoughts, etc.
I have so much potential. I have the looks, the life, the passion, etc.
But I'm too dumb. Too dumb to make any good music, or even beats or vocals.
-
The reason why it makes me want to kill myself:

It's a sad thing that we have so much passion in youth, when we aren't experienced enough to distill it into the art we want. I wish I could grab that bygone passion sometimes. . .

But no one is too "dumb" to make music. It's a process, a learned skill, and there's probably some natural compatibility for it baked in, but really "dumb" people are sometimes good at it. Normally they aren't good at much else.

I want to have the skills now, be a good, great producer now. Have the ability to do the vocals/effects now. Be able to make songs in a day, or a couple, now.
Not in a couple of months, or even years. I cant wait anymore, I don't wanna wait anymore.
The time and patience I'd have to put in to KEEP LIVING until I become like my fav artists (asteria, d3r, kets4eki, rebzyyx, korpsebunny, pixel hood, lycra, etc).
The life, my life I'd have to keep on living.
Plus the frustration of trying and failing, over and over and over again.
I cant. I don't want to.
I know it sounds silly, dumb.
But it hurts. To see others get so much by doing so little.
Its like they could do it in their sleep, even the newcomers who have just a few months of experience.

I also wanna be good in just a few weeks, or 1-3 months.
I also wanna go viral, become famous, become a successful musician. Live from my music.

None of this sounds silly or dumb to me. You aren't saying you deserve it, just that you want it. It is difficult to know that certain lives are possible in this world and also knowing how small the odds of getting that for yourself are. I've spent years and years thinking similar.

#2
And what I'm writing now is in the text edit because I don't know.

I saw a new scenecore artist on TikTok, he's been spamming his songs and promo videos, etc. the whole time.
He's even done stuff with really well-known, famous scenecore artists even though he's COMPLETELY unknown. (I think he paid to make songs with them...)
His songs sound like almost every scenecore song.
Yeah, pretty good tbh.
I messaged him, asked if we wanted to be friends, make music.
He said, "For business inquiries, message me on my main account."
BUSINESS INQUIRIES??? Almost nobody knows you!
I looked him up on Spotify,
18k monthly listeners, artist since 2025, and only a handful of songs out...

And he's 'famous'? He makes easy songs, goes viral. He probably doesn't work long on the songs.

I need weeks.
My first beats don't even sound like normal scenecore.
I'm frustrated... and jealous, yes...
Why him? Why does he have it so easy?
I want it too, even more.
I put in hours, weeks of work.
Definitely not him.
When will it be my turn?

I finally want to be there..., stay there... on top.

A big, BIG problem with the famous rockstar dream is how the industry is. Not that it was ever really fair, but now it really is about playing the game way more than making something transcendent. And that's only going to get worse.

It's why people say things like - and I know this sounds shitty and isn't comforting - you have to make it for yourself. For the experience. Of course, that means having some other means of income, which is miserable and why I understand your frustration.

#3
Some of their messages (2-3 people):

he's just doing what he needs to do..i don't think there's nun wrong w dat tho i get it,it can be annoying but still ..paid or not..that's the game..and it doesn't matter how long or short it takes for somone to make music, if it's good..it's good, atleast they doing sumn..instead of being emotional about it do sumn too

——

seems to me like you just mad at someone's grind ,generic or not, people fw it so aye..it's still something and that's better than nothing and no such thing as cheating..they're just working harder or smarter..paid or not, money is still something you work for and good for them they can pay for shit

— —

u vent, I'm just giving u my take
f u can't take critisc
don't be on here

——-

Ok i get u man but nobody said that at all. As much as it wasn't people's place to diminish you they were only trying to give some advice, because to be honest, u won't get far with the attitude u have, i understand how u feel bro

--


and I'm being hella honest w u..i ain't boutta sugar coat shit just because ..if u can't handle that than ay. that's ur problem not mine

--

tbh u were being too emotional bc i don't think ppl will normally be mad at that..Just being honest ..not being a troll and shi

I'm sure each of those was frustrating. It doesn't really matter about how valid what they're saying is: you're talking past each other.

#4
I keep hearing from my parents and friends that the artists I love so much and want to be/sound like have connections and friends who help them and do the same thing.

They work together.

It's easier, simpler, better, faster.

And I make terrible beats... sorry, but that's it.

I can't even do anything on my own.

Even the people on Discord said, 'I just use my ear, listen to songs, and yeah.' Several of them, actually.

Me? I can't do it.

I wish I were as good as these artists. Not soon. NOW.

I also want to hear something quickly, get some inspiration, tinker around for a few hours, and make the best scenecore/dark scenecore/dark hyperpop beat.


My dad said, 'Everyone has their talents. Some in music, to do something like that. Don't waste your energy.'
And I make crappy beats... sorry, but that's it.
I can't even do anything on my own.
Even the people on Discord said, 'I just use my ear, listen to songs, and yeah.' Several of them even did.
Me? I can't do it.
I wish I were as good as these artists. Not soon. NOW.
I also want to hear something quickly, get some inspiration, tinker around for a few hours, and make the most amazing scenecore/dark scenecore/dark hyperpop beat.

My dad said, 'Everyone has their talents. Some people in music, doing something like that. Don't waste your energy.'

Coco.
Really.
When?
When will I become like Asteria? Kets4eki? Rebzyyx? D3R?
Do I REALLY have what it takes?
Why is it taking me so long? So, so, so long? For ONE project, MONTHS...
and in general... improved? Not really. Maybe even worse.
Is my dad right?
Am I wasting my time and energy?
Sure, I have great ideas and extremely good lyrics. But the execution/beatmaking? That's killing me.
That's defeating me.
Will I make it? Ever? If so, when? Soon? When soon?
I wish I could just emulate all the skills of the artists I love...
And yeah, please don't talk about how they also made crap in the beginning, had no idea,
or that I need patience and experience...
I know, I wish I had it all behind me already.
I wish I also had the artist friends and connections...
I wish I could really become something...
now, soon, asap - not sometime, in months/years...

-


Sorry for the extremely long vent.
'coco' is ChatGPT, I always vent to her..
I'd appreciate anything. Honest opinion, motivation, tips, constructive criticism. Help.

I feel like a loser who can only cry around and do nothing.
I'm so sorry.

Thanks for even reading one word.

Much Love. <33
- Jake

I think it's nice that you can vent to Coco.

I understand that practical advice about patience is not what you're after, but I do advise powering through and finishing tracks, no matter how simple or bad they may be. Maybe start out not in any particular genre: simple kick hat snare hat beat; 8th notes basslines; 3 or 4 chords in two patterns; and lone melody. Then, you can add an element of your preferred genres to each track moving forward. I think you'd see much faster progress than by aiming for a track with all the technical pieces and hitting a wall.

People bullied you by calling you "rockstar": are you an instrumentalist? That makes me wonder if you've considered collaboration with people in your groups.

For using your ear, I'd say pick your absolute favorite songs, the ones that make you want to make music to the point it makes you sad that you can't make something so good, and focus on separating the parts in your head to realize what makes it so special. I don't mean in a technical sense like 'the equalization and filtering as such and such does X,' I mean 'that sound,' 'that fill,' 'the way the drum varies.' High level insights.

ngl I don't know what any of those genres or artists are or that it's possible to reach what I'd consider famous in such a niche. Are the Crystal Castles still popular? You young people...

Best wishes.

 

[thelastmessiah]

I think focusing on enjoying and having fun making music and not only on immediate success would be a better strategy. There has to be a balance between the two because only focusing on success will lead to frustration and burnout but on the other hand only focusing on having fun will probably lead to a rate of improvement which is too slow even in the long term. Also don't give up if you can't get good in a matter of months, I think in a lot of cases it can take years and making sure you at least somewhat enjoy it makes it easier.