Help Made a pact and seriously regret it

[hopeless08]

I have made a suicide pact with a family member but I'm now feeling guilty. They say they want to go as much as I do but I'm worried that they will be scared that they would want to back out for several reasons of which I share.
And I know that if I died this person would not be able to live with the pain of losing me for even one second, so what if it is successful for me and not them. Also this person has a lot of medical issues besides mental, so I would have to be the one to administer the method to them, like assisted suicide and now I don't know if I would be able to do that, I'd feel like I'm pressuring them, killing them and also I would be terrified of the emotional pain of seeing them dead even though I would go right after.
Now I actually regret telling them about it and would rather do it on my own but there's two issues, one, that I don't want them to go through the pain of loosing me for I am they're life, I'm everything to them. The pain would be unbearable to them if they lost me and vice versa another issue is that they now know I'm going to get the method and plan on doing it. Everyday they ask me, you're not going to do it and leave me behind right, you wouldn't do that to me right?
Now that's all they think about, they are terrified and panicked. I feel that I put pressure on them and caused them to constantly worry. I feel horrible about that and I really regret telling them/making the pact. I'm so consumed by guilt. I don't know what to do, I'm really worried and confused as to how I'm going to go about this. I have no clue where to go from here.
If anyone has any advice I would truly appreciate it. Sorry for the rant.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry. This is such a tough situation to be in. I really wish I could think of something wise to say but to be honest, I feel all kind of swept up in the emotion of it. I can see it from both your side and theirs. I wonder if there is a method you could use where they had more autonomy. Is it the administering of the method that troubles you the most or, just being with them? To be fair, both do carry risks if one person survives so, I can see why you are concerned.

 

[hopeless08]

It's both the idea of administering it and the thought of seeing them gone. Even if I'll go right after even one second of seeing them pass will shatter me but also what if it doesn't work for them and see them in extreme pain or what if she becomes unconscious and then I go successfully not knowing if they passed too. I don't know it's such a tough situation and wish I never spoke to them about it or implanted the idea. Thank you for your concern

 

[h.s.p.]

You put yourself in an awful situation, but I'm sure you did it in good faith and out of pure despair. You're not to blame.
Rationally speaking, it looks like your relative basically doesn't want you to go because she 'd be the one to be left behind, while you have two concerns: first, you don't want to administer the method and second, you don't want her to suffer because you're gone. I respect you very much for considering this.
Now I may sound rude, but I think that her motives are kinda "selfish" because she's thinking about her own suffering - which is perfectly normal, don't get me wrong - while yours are more altruistic. If I were to decide who "wins the contest" that would be you.
So what would you do? First, you clearly need more time to think about it. Only you can tell if you want to leave that bad that you cannot wait. It is your pain, your life, and ultimately your choice. If you decide to go through, I wouldn't lie to her as that would make things even harder for both of you. I'd be brutally honest at that point, and as @Forever Sleep wisely pointed out, I'd choose a method she could administer herself without your intervention.
Please understand that I'm only trying to be rational, as being emotional won't allow me to help you. I'm struggling with the thought of leaving my mother behind too, and when this kind of situation is involved, emotions easily overcome our rational thinking. If I may be of any help, just PM me. Lots of love to you

 

[SexyIncél]

It's both the idea of administering it and the thought of seeing them gone. Even if I'll go right after even one second of seeing them pass will shatter me but also what if it doesn't work for them and see them in extreme pain or what if she becomes unconscious and then I go successfully not knowing if they passed too.

Yeah, love requires people to alter themselves. Far more difficult than people imagine. Tests of love are hard

And a pact needs someone skillful at problem-solving. Because yeah, what happens if they're in a world of pain? If someone goofs up? Etc. And that person should go last

Might help to be hurt by their suffering — not their death

 

[hopeless08]

You put yourself in an awful situation, but I'm sure you did it in good faith and out of pure despair. You're not to blame.
Rationally speaking, it looks like your relative basically doesn't want you to go because she 'd be the one to be left behind, while you have two concerns: first, you don't want to administer the method and second, you don't want her to suffer because you're gone. I respect you very much for considering this.
Now I may sound rude, but I think that her motives are kinda "selfish" because she's thinking about her own suffering - which is perfectly normal, don't get me wrong - while yours are more altruistic. If I were to decide who "wins the contest" that would be you.
So what would you do? First, you clearly need more time to think about it. Only you can tell if you want to leave that bad that you cannot wait. It is your pain, your life, and ultimately your choice. If you decide to go through, I wouldn't lie to her as that would make things even harder for both of you. I'd be brutally honest at that point, and as @Forever Sleep wisely pointed out, I'd choose a method she could administer herself without your intervention.
Please understand that I'm only trying to be rational, as being emotional won't allow me to help you. I'm struggling with the thought of leaving my mother behind too, and when this kind of situation is involved, emotions easily overcome our rational thinking. If I may be of any help, just PM me. Lots of love to you

You put yourself in an awful situation, but I'm sure you did it in good faith and out of pure despair. You're not to blame.
Rationally speaking, it looks like your relative basically doesn't want you to go because she 'd be the one to be left behind, while you have two concerns: first, you don't want to administer the method and second, you don't want her to suffer because you're gone. I respect you very much for considering this.
Now I may sound rude, but I think that her motives are kinda "selfish" because she's thinking about her own suffering - which is perfectly normal, don't get me wrong - while yours are more altruistic. If I were to decide who "wins the contest" that would be you.
So what would you do? First, you clearly need more time to think about it. Only you can tell if you want to leave that bad that you cannot wait. It is your pain, your life, and ultimately your choice. If you decide to go through, I wouldn't lie to her as that would make things even harder for both of you. I'd be brutally honest at that point, and as @Forever Sleep wisely pointed out, I'd choose a method she could administer herself without your intervention.
Please understand that I'm only trying to be rational, as being emotional won't allow me to help you. I'm struggling with the thought of leaving my mother behind too, and when this kind of situation is involved, emotions easily overcome our rational thinking. If I may be of any help, just PM me. Lots of love to you

Thank you for your advice and support.
I'm sorry what you're going through with the struggle of having to leave your mom behind. It's extremely heartbreaking, I'd be leaving my mom behind as well and she's 80 obviously it would kill her/ destroy her, especially if it's loosing two daughters at once because it's my sister that I made the pact with. We are not twins but may as well be, we've been through everything together traumatizing experiences and also good times so we understand each other. The problem with her is not only mental/emotional pain but has serious physical chronic pain day in and day out because she has had 5 surgeries in a time span of a year and a half and doctors basically destroyed, each surgery was worse than the last but the reason why I worry it won't work for her is because due to the surgery her stomach is unable to absorb meds as much as the normal person so yeah I'd be afraid if it worked for me not knowing if it work for her, wondering if she's going to be left extreme pain or will be left in a vegetative state. And im also really scared of administering the method and witnessing her suffering or going unconscious, I don't think I could handle a second of the emotional pain of seeing her unconscious or gone even though I would go right after. And now everytime she is in physical pain she keeps asking me, we're still going to do it right and has developed an obsessive worry that I'm going to do it alone and leave her behind.
So yeah I put myself in a horrible situation. I'm so ready to go as my emotional pain is unbearable, it's torture.
Like you said when your emotions are invested it makes things obviously a million time worse and your rationale goes out the window. I feel pressured, confused, worried, scared and feel guilty for implementing this into her mind.
I hope we can find a rational solution.
Again I'm sorry for your situation as I know how painful it is. You can on me anytime as well if you want to talk.

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

I'm sorry to hear about the excruciating situation you're in. I feel your pain. I was in a somewhat similar situation.

I could have chosen to die thru MAID due to my terminal illness, but I chose to get treated because of my little girl. For me, though, the decision to live longer wasn't a difficult one to make. I would do anything and everything for her.

But now that she has passed over the rainbow bridge, I am desperate to follow her there. Unfortunately, the treatment of my illness has been successful, and now, I no longer qualify for MAID.

The way I see your situation, if I were in it, it wouldn't be the pact, per se, you made with your sister that would hold me back. It would the strong bond that held me to her and our mother to us. This isn't the answer you want to hear, and I'm sorry about that. But in your case, I would set aside my ultimate desire to ctb to avoid hurting my beloved. And I wouldn't stop there. I would do my best to get better for her and make life worth living for her. But, that's just me. I was built like that, which, oftentimes, I think is a curse, which is another topic for another thread.

Best wishes.

 

[hopeless08]

I'm sorry to hear about the excruciating situation you're in. I feel your pain. I was in a somewhat similar situation.

I could have chosen to die thru MAID due to my terminal illness, but I chose to get treated because of my little girl. For me, though, the decision to live longer wasn't a difficult one to make. I would do anything and everything for her.

But now that she has passed over the rainbow bridge, I am desperate to follow her there. Unfortunately, the treatment of my illness has been successful, and now, I no longer qualify for MAID.

The way I see your situation, if I were in it, it wouldn't be the pact, per se, you made with your sister that would hold me back. It would the strong bond that held me to her and our mother to us. This isn't the answer you want to hear, and I'm sorry about that. But in your case, I would set aside my ultimate desire to ctb to avoid hurting my beloved. And I wouldn't stop there. I would do my best to get better for her and make life worth living for her. But, that's just me. I was built like that, which, oftentimes, I think is a curse, which is another topic for another thread.

Best wishes.

Wow you're story is heartbreaking I'm so very sorry for all the pain you must have endured and you have all my admiration for your strength and perseverance.
Unfortunately I'm not that strong and I can't bear this emotional pain. I'm so confused and just the thought of what my mother and two younger siblings are going to have to go through by loosing two daughters and two siblings at once is unbelievably painful for me to think about what they r going to feel, I'm bawling way eyes out thinking about it but at the same time the emotional pain that I'm bearing day in and day out is excruciating.
So I really have no idea how to go about this. I have a very special bond with the sister I made the pact with and could never leave her behind but I'm terrified so many things can go wrong when the time comes. I'm scared, heartbroken, lonely confused and filled with guilt.
Thank you for sharing your story with me I can see what an amazing person you are, you deserve the best and hope that's what you'll get.
Feel free to pm me at anytime

 

[theboy]

What a strong story. Maybe the best thing to do is not to do CTB and break the pact.

 

[JezebelDuLioncourt]

Your reply is so heartfelt and it made cry. You are selfless and possess a magnanimous heart. The fact that--in my view--committing suicide is not a selfish act, would not make it any easier for you to do it, simply because you love and care for your family more than you do for yourself. And, in my book, that's fine. It'd the cross you will have to bear and that's a noble cause.

 

[hopeless08]

Awwwww those words mean so much to me, you are a very kind soul. Sometimes those who have kind, good hearted souls are the ones to suffer most because we are sensitive, so in a way like you said it can be a curse.

 

[parallelluniverse]

Personally, I think CTB'ing with people creates a group mentality and I wonder if people would feel different if they were made to face a CTB scenario alone.

I think people should be responsible for themselves, and not be emotionally entwined, especially with CTB, as it can create complications. If both parties are so inclined it's a simple choice but sometimes people are 'inspired' and it's not an authentic thought, if that makes a little more sense. It's just that you are the one who seems more invested and is being made to carry all the responsibility.

I think being responsible for someone else would be hard for some... sure, like no doubt. I mean, it's not as simple as pressing a button is it and you CTB at the same time... there's a moment...... where you're alone, and dealing with things that kind of override the situation.

I mean what's the method??

 

[h.s.p.]

Thank you for your advice and support.
I'm sorry what you're going through with the struggle of having to leave your mom behind. It's extremely heartbreaking, I'd be leaving my mom behind as well and she's 80 obviously it would kill her/ destroy her, especially if it's loosing two daughters at once because it's my sister that I made the pact with. We are not twins but may as well be, we've been through everything together traumatizing experiences and also good times so we understand each other. The problem with her is not only mental/emotional pain but has serious physical chronic pain day in and day out because she has had 5 surgeries in a time span of a year and a half and doctors basically destroyed, each surgery was worse than the last but the reason why I worry it won't work for her is because due to the surgery her stomach is unable to absorb meds as much as the normal person so yeah I'd be afraid if it worked for me not knowing if it work for her, wondering if she's going to be left extreme pain or will be left in a vegetative state. And im also really scared of administering the method and witnessing her suffering or going unconscious, I don't think I could handle a second of the emotional pain of seeing her unconscious or gone even though I would go right after. And now everytime she is in physical pain she keeps asking me, we're still going to do it right and has developed an obsessive worry that I'm going to do it alone and leave her behind.
So yeah I put myself in a horrible situation. I'm so ready to go as my emotional pain is unbearable, it's torture.
Like you said when your emotions are invested it makes things obviously a million time worse and your rationale goes out the window. I feel pressured, confused, worried, scared and feel guilty for implementing this into her mind.
I hope we can find a rational solution.
Again I'm sorry for your situation as I know how painful it is. You can on me anytime as well if you want to talk.

Thank you very, very much for being so compassionate and kind to me. You really have brought me some solace.
This is your thread though so I'll focus about you. To say that your situation is tragic would be an understatement and, if you're anything like me, just writing it down for other people to read must have been emotionally draining, so in a way I admire your courage.
Oral administration seems not feasible for your sister so you either use IV drugs or switch to another method. By the way, is she on medication for her physical pain?
But most of all, you are so overwhelmed right now because not only you're dealing with your own pain and the distress of planning your exit, but your sister's too.
You cannot decide for her, it's too much to handle. I suggest you talk to her and let her decide what she wants to do as much as possible. She may be willing to take the risk with drugs regardless of her condition. She must be of sound mind and you have to be sure she's not influenced by your choice.
I have something to say about your mother too but I feel quite uncomfortable so unless this issue is an unbearable concern for you I will refrain from posting. We can always talk about it later.

Thank you for offering me a private conversation. If I manage to handle myself emotionally I'll be happy to PM you.