Made a mistake

[anhedonicNfoggy]

I was reading smth about hypoxia and there was some purple hand pic.

I was laying on the couch and my mom turned up behind me. I freaked out and turned off my phone. My mom asked me to unlock my phone. At first, I kept saying it was nothing. But she kept urging me and so I unlocked. I guess part of me was so normalized to this stuff that I forgot for mentally healthy people, all this stuff is disgusting and draining.

It's not like there was gore. But yeah, I feel kinda guilty that now my mom is feeling depressed right now. She went to bed and she told me she feels helpless - I am aimless and have no purpose and only research stuff about suicide. The thing is this is the first time she has seen me looking at that kind of stuff. She doesn't know I'm on this website as well or that I am writing up a plan but no planned date. I don't know, I kept telling her - don't worry, I won't die, I'm not aimless, I'll make sure to continue to study and get a job and support myself. Then she said - is this about money. I don't know what she meant by that. I also told her - I won't die in your lifetime. I guess maybe I have no cognitive empathy. Maybe what I said is insensitive. I don't want to ever traumatize her and I don't take pleasure in people's suffering. I don't want her to feel miserable. Frankly, I wish she never cared at all if I was dead. I feel guilty because there's certain things I want but also I don't want those decisions to affect others. I have thoughts and urges to think about this stuff. Just a way of easing my mind, I research. But it's not like I'm intending to do something this very moment so I don't get why she is sad tbh. I don't know, it's not like I do anything special. She has a successful son and friendly family relatives. It's like moving away and it's not that I'm forced into it. I want to. I don't know, sometimes it's just a feeling and sometimes there's an explanation.

I don't need u guys to convince me whether the right to ctb is ethical or not. I just want to know how I can help my mom feel better. I'm different from other kids I guess. I don't know, it's hard to feign being happy and wanting to socialize and having dreams.

 

[Holu]

I have the same problem lmao. Refuse to die for my mother. I wish I have advice but I really don't. I just kinda assume eventually I'll reach a point where I finally snap and make the decision, and until then I'll just keep suffering while tryna move forward

 

[lamentos]

It's actually a very obvious answer, an answer you are afraid to tell yourself: Your mother is worried about you, she cares about your mental state which means your unhapiness is the biggest problem for her. And she thought she is responsible for your problems when she asked if it's about money. If it isn't me, then someone else will speak their mind and tell you the obvious: What do you think would happen if you caught the bus? Your mother would blame herself for the rest of her life. That would be the biggest trauma and if you don't want to traumatize her, you know what NOT to do.

And here you can read again all the things I wrote, I didn't even mention the ethics of ctb. In fact, I don't care. It doesn't matter when you are dead. That's your life, man. And the primary reason that keeps me alive is the fact that I know how much my mother cares about me. Since my sister is gone, I'm her only child and whatever she does, I know it's for me.

 

[Mndcntrl]

just want to know how I can help my mom feel better.

Im my experience: Time... My Parents got told from a doc that i wanna die when I was 12. Since then they live in fear that they reach a call they someone found me... When I was 20/21 my stepmom wants to talk over it. They knew I had trys to cbt, they knew I still feel the same... She has told me that since the doc told this to them, they have prepared themself. Since then they two read more about depression, suicidal tought etc. They hope that I never do it, but they are ready if I do it. This was one of the most heartbreaking points in my life... But she means it this way. And I hope this happens in a better way too you!
I hope she can understand your feelings when you explain it to her. If you do it...

Edit: correct hipe too hope

 

[HighFlight]

As a parent, I was very sad when my son initially told me he wanted to ctb. I felt like a failure, and this was my fault. Why didn't I spot the problem sooner and get him help? He's no longer looking to ctb at the moment, but we're able to talk more openly about his problems. I can't/won't stop him if he tries, but for him, I will discourage it and continue to suggest professional help.

I think the trick is trying to have an open discussion with your mom about how you feel. I wouldn't suggest leading with "Mom, I want to kill myself." But tell how you feel and why. This will take time, and probably several conversations. But having that open relationship with her should help make her happier, and it may end up helping you as well.

Wishing you all the best.

 

[bluesoapyskies]

parents arent dumb, i learned that the hard way ahah

i wouldnt lie to her and tell her that youre fine etc because shell know that youre not. tell her why youve come to this decision, you dont need to be very in depth but just explain that mentally youre not doing well (if you want to that is).

tell her that its not her fault. dont tell her about your plans, thatll really upset her but just let her know shes done a good job, you love her, etc.