Polyxo
Ring Ding Dong!
- Mar 1, 2025
- 153
Seriously. I literally have no desire to have a life, let alone keep breathing day to day. But, understandably, at the age of 25, living day-to-day isn't enough. With loved ones to live for, loved ones who worry and have expectations, it's just a constant battle I really do have to win on the daily 
. I'm alive for everyone except myself (such a difficult life I live... sarcasm). No friends, no hobbies, no prospects... I have no desire for any of it.
And it's not like I can just tell my family I'm suicidal as an explanation, lol. It would be stupid because this is one of those family situations where everyone thinks that suicidal feelings are selfish and can simply be manifested away.
For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to CTB now. Running out of places to hide now that everyone is holding up a magnifying glass to my "life" and finding only nothing.
The more this feeling of urgency grows, the more I think about what my loved ones will think. For healthy people, suicide has to be caused by a specific moment or trigger. Or an external stressor.
They can't wrap their heads around actively not wanting to live, so something else needs to have caused the suicidal feelings.
Has anyone else struggled reconciling with the fact that your healthy loved ones will never understand? I mean this in the sense that, to a healthy normal person, suicide needs to be rationalized. For me, my suicidality feels so innate. Something so internal and inherent. The desire to die feels hard coded in me, ever since I was a kid, and I've hidden the desire to exit since then. No one will know my true feelings until they read it in my note. That I have such extreme apathy for myself.
A part of me has accepted that no one will be satisfied with any note I leave behind, but still... I guess it's only human to seek understanding from the people you love. To seek something impossible.
. I'm alive for everyone except myself (such a difficult life I live... sarcasm). No friends, no hobbies, no prospects... I have no desire for any of it.And it's not like I can just tell my family I'm suicidal as an explanation, lol. It would be stupid because this is one of those family situations where everyone thinks that suicidal feelings are selfish and can simply be manifested away.
For some reason I feel like I'm running out of time to CTB now. Running out of places to hide now that everyone is holding up a magnifying glass to my "life" and finding only nothing.
The more this feeling of urgency grows, the more I think about what my loved ones will think. For healthy people, suicide has to be caused by a specific moment or trigger. Or an external stressor.
They can't wrap their heads around actively not wanting to live, so something else needs to have caused the suicidal feelings.
Has anyone else struggled reconciling with the fact that your healthy loved ones will never understand? I mean this in the sense that, to a healthy normal person, suicide needs to be rationalized. For me, my suicidality feels so innate. Something so internal and inherent. The desire to die feels hard coded in me, ever since I was a kid, and I've hidden the desire to exit since then. No one will know my true feelings until they read it in my note. That I have such extreme apathy for myself.
A part of me has accepted that no one will be satisfied with any note I leave behind, but still... I guess it's only human to seek understanding from the people you love. To seek something impossible.
