Discussion Love towards family members is superficial and ingenuine

[figure8]

Why am I supposed to love someone who I have nothing in common with besides DNA? I'm sick of being told 'it's your mother, everyone loves their mother' etc, etc. Parents are oftentimes the direct source of trauma that lasts an entire lifespan.
I want to cut off from my family once I become financially independent. I feel safer at home now, as well as around my mother, but still, I don't feel comfortable staying around someone whose first impulse after learning about my OD was to choke me. And I generally just don't feel comfortable around her, for many other reasons. I don't know how to go about this topic without feeling like I'm demonizing her, because she's not inherently an evil person - no one is. But I just can't imagine being close to her after everything she'd done to me. Also, we are very incompatible personality-wise. So when she wants to spend time with me, it's always awkward. Not necessarily unpleasant, but it feels like two strangers hanging out. This relationship is beyond salvation.
I assume many people on this forum can relate to this. I was wondering what you stance on the raised topic is. Do you agree with the title of this thread? Why/Why not? What's the relationship with your family like? Were you hurt by a member of your family? If so, how (if you feel comfortable disclosing)? Does your family have a direct influence on your suicidal thoughts?
(I wasn't sure whether I should post this thread under venting or discussion. I apologize if I tagged it wrongly).

 

[Namensjemand]

All kinds of people got estranged relationships to their parents. Sons not loving their fathers is pretty common, I think. For the mother that is far more rarely the case. But If the daily Interaction is twisted enough, sure thing, can happen. Love is not about good or evil or right or wrong but connection.
I am not sure what od is... a suicide attempt? ... but choking is a wild response

I rarely felt any real connection to my father. Because there is none. I think he is incapable of forming an authentic deeper connection. He performs all his duties as a father, he is friendly, even helpful, when asked. But he is... not really there. Had a fucked up mother it says. He takes no genuine interest in any of his kids. I think he literally can't. And when my mental problems got worse he got down-right nasty and mean. When I was the most vulnerable. He simply can't deal with emotions and has been wearing a mask his whole life. Almost literally... The way he reacts, laughs, looks... it is all deranged. He is a good provider but terrible father figure. Downright harmful. Still he is my father, and I feel.... some deeper connection. Somewhore. I wouldn't say I love him.
My mother can better connect, but she wears a mask as well, and has zero skills in how to deal with children when things get difficult but quite the terrible strategies of her own and in general always seems to be on the run from sth. She, too, can not be authentic, can not truly feel or see others because her personality rests on avoiding that (her mother never hugged her and was probably not her real mother). I used to love her. Now I am not so sure anymore.

 

[figure8]

I am not sure what od is... a suicide attempt?

Overdose.

I think he is incapable of forming an authentic deeper connection.

I was looking for a way to put this into words, but I couldn't without using the word 'shallow,' which I didn't find to be accurate enough. I feel like my mother is incapable of forming an authentic connection as well, but to be honest, I barely know her, so I can't be sure.


We all probably wear masks, to some degree. Sometimes being authentic, even towards ourselves, is the wrong option. It might make us discover something about ourselves we wouldn't want to know. Or about the nature of the world. But I guess in order for someone to actively choose to mask, they need to know there's something wrong to begin with. Something that requires them to be a different person, or a different version of themselves. I think of it as mimicry - a disguise someone puts on in order to survive. But it's a possibility that your parents aren't aware that they're putting on a disguise. Or they might not be putting one on to begin with. It's all speculative, anyway.
The world is cruel, and being authentic is often equal to being vulnerable. And that's not something you want when you're surrounded with predators, people who don't care about you and only want to take advantage of you and your vulnerability.
Now if only mentally disturbed people opted out of parenthood. How beautiful that would be.

 

[isthisit?]

Love towards family is different with every person. If you are planning to ctb because of your family then yeah, you don't have to love them but if you are planning ctb because of something else than I don't see a problem with loving your family, now you could argue that your family brought you into this world but that doesn't mean that all the blame is on them, because sometimes some situations are even out of their control.

Personally, my reason for ctbing is not connected to my family so I love them. They never did anything bad to me and I never did anything bad to them.

 

[Namensjemand]

If you don't even really know her, how would you learn to love her? Sounds really bad. My heart goes out to you. Motherlove is very important for a child.

What I learned above all else is that hiding from your vulnerabilty, shutting it down, is as such a terrible path. You loose touch with yourself. It bends your view, makes you not process emotions properly, robs life of meaning and depth and forces you to compensate with coping mechanisms. That said, some situations may force the issue.

On masks: Certainly in public, at the job, for sure on social media - so in specific social situations - people wear masks. And there is even some sense to it. But if it is a mask one can not put off it becomes pathelogical IMO. And yes then you will lack awareness of it. My parents don't understand or see their role in my misfortune, they learned to fuse themselves with their masks in early childhood as a natural survival strategy. So did I. My version just got so bad and dyfunctional that I had to burn until the mask cracked. And that expierence alone tells me how hard that is and that is out of the question for them. As a result, I kind of no longer feel related to my whole family (two brothers, masked, naturally). I don't even want to see them. It is painful watching them.

 

[Walilamdzii]

Why am I supposed to love someone who I have nothing in common with besides DNA? I'm sick of being told 'it's your mother, everyone loves their mother' etc, etc. Parents are oftentimes the direct source of trauma that lasts an entire lifespan.
I want to cut off from my family once I become financially independent. I feel safer at home now, as well as around my mother, but still, I don't feel comfortable staying around someone whose first impulse after learning about my OD was to choke me. And I generally just don't feel comfortable around her, for many other reasons. I don't know how to go about this topic without feeling like I'm demonizing her, because she's not inherently an evil person - no one is. But I just can't imagine being close to her after everything she'd done to me. Also, we are very incompatible personality-wise. So when she wants to spend time with me, it's always awkward. Not necessarily unpleasant, but it feels like two strangers hanging out. This relationship is beyond salvation.
I assume many people on this forum can relate to this. I was wondering what you stance on the raised topic is. Do you agree with the title of this thread? Why/Why not? What's the relationship with your family like? Were you hurt by a member of your family? If so, how (if you feel comfortable disclosing)? Does your family have a direct influence on your suicidal thoughts?
(I wasn't sure whether I should post this thread under venting or discussion. I apologize if I tagged it wrongly).

I have been put in a chokehold by a family member too, I completely understand why you have lingering resentments about that. I couldn't breathe and I had to bite their arm. I have to remember all of these things when they are telling me not to ctb... actually they are part of the reason for my diminished confidence.