If there's one thing that I can say goes from painful to positively excruciating, it's when your disinterest towards life is counterbalanced by people who you'd tear the world apart for.
I've been running around suicidal thoughts since I was at least 15, and even prior to that I've been someone who's always been a bit... overwhelmed by the world. Being born autistic in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Scotland, in the early 2000s was a fun enough experience but combine that with constant bullying and teachers you always feel estranged from (some even just straight up mentally fucking with me) and a family which always felt somewhat alien to you... and you have a combination that results in someone pretty much never feeling like he's ever belonged somewhere. And in turn has grown increasingly apathetic about the world and only ever just wanted to be alone and safe from all the noise.
Then comes high school, and it only ever gets worse. Especially by the time exams roll around, but within that you manage to find people, good people, who actually give a shit and make you feel like there's something worth sticking around for. But friends are transient, and our lives necessarily have to move on, and the feelings that have been haunting him for so long never subside.
That's just a little summary at best, I have since found others much closer, those I would truly consider family, but I think you get the point. No matter how many I meet who show me that kindness it can't undo what's already been built up over years, and so I cycle between apathy and rage constantly at the hatred for being born and the acceptance that there's no good chance of me overcoming it. And yet still I just want to be there for those who I do care about... so what the fuck am I to do?
If it were possible to just shrug off everything else about my life and exist purely as a guardian angel of sorts to them, I'd have taken that chance in a heartbeat. But that doesn't exist, and I only ever get worse as one disaster after another rolls on.
I want to die, to say "good riddance" to a world that has only ever really rejected me yet also want to live for their sakes. And it's fucking tearing me apart.
I've been running around suicidal thoughts since I was at least 15, and even prior to that I've been someone who's always been a bit... overwhelmed by the world. Being born autistic in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, Scotland, in the early 2000s was a fun enough experience but combine that with constant bullying and teachers you always feel estranged from (some even just straight up mentally fucking with me) and a family which always felt somewhat alien to you... and you have a combination that results in someone pretty much never feeling like he's ever belonged somewhere. And in turn has grown increasingly apathetic about the world and only ever just wanted to be alone and safe from all the noise.
Then comes high school, and it only ever gets worse. Especially by the time exams roll around, but within that you manage to find people, good people, who actually give a shit and make you feel like there's something worth sticking around for. But friends are transient, and our lives necessarily have to move on, and the feelings that have been haunting him for so long never subside.
That's just a little summary at best, I have since found others much closer, those I would truly consider family, but I think you get the point. No matter how many I meet who show me that kindness it can't undo what's already been built up over years, and so I cycle between apathy and rage constantly at the hatred for being born and the acceptance that there's no good chance of me overcoming it. And yet still I just want to be there for those who I do care about... so what the fuck am I to do?
If it were possible to just shrug off everything else about my life and exist purely as a guardian angel of sorts to them, I'd have taken that chance in a heartbeat. But that doesn't exist, and I only ever get worse as one disaster after another rolls on.
I want to die, to say "good riddance" to a world that has only ever really rejected me yet also want to live for their sakes. And it's fucking tearing me apart.
