Lost only real possible hope I believed in....

[oopswronglife]

There was a tiny chance of hope that one person would be able to help me get moved and with some specialized work. I wasn't able to do it before because my health got worse but they said if I ever could they would try to help me. Well my health is no better but my living situation and mental state are becoming intolerable so I wrote and asked if it was still possible. They said not as things had changed for them. I think I always knew this would be how it went because nothing ever works for me. Every time there is a chance its taken away, usually in the most perfectly wrong way. Something cancels out any positive right when I get the positive. Ever since the doctors ruined my life it's been like this. As if all my luck was used up before that.

So now I think I am really going to have to do this. I don't want to. I feel deeply sick like my stomach has fallen out of my feet. Hopeless. Realizing I never had my methods fully prepared because I had hoped to never use them so I need to order some things. Distressed over how long that can take. Nothing ever works. I just want to live...its possible for me to live....if I could just get the help. I can never get the help...and on the once in decades sort of times some help comes its snatched away like this. I'm most upset about my cat because there is nobody good to care for her. The family here will not take great care....better than shelter or homeless but not at all as well as she deserves and that I do. I hate myself for failing her as well. She is the only life here in this shithole place I live in that I care about. She has no idea what is happening and where I will be. Only that I abandoned her.

 

[Sweet emotion]

What is it that you're suffering with?

 

[oopswronglife]

What is it that you're suffering with?

The same thing you are amongst several others. But the what doesn't matter. it's the end result and that's the same no matter how someone loses independence and security. Even posts of desperation like this get buried under two pages with one reply or nothing. There has to be someone out there who can help...really help with practical things. But people will not. They are so up their own arses even when miserable. I've given away everything I can afford to give away to people who needed it more than me. I've done everything I can to help people in life but when I need it it's never there. I know that can sound whiney...but it's the truth. Also platitudes and chats aren't what any of us need. We need medical care, money, safe housing, security. If online buddies could save life then we'd all be living in chats but you see what that does to people. I am angry and afraid and can't believe I have to end my fucking life to make it stop. I was always able to stand a little bit to the side of that...I understood it was real and I didn't think it was easy for anyone...always said words are easier than actions...but now I am being pushed across the line I don't want to go across. Not even ONE fucking person or organization will step up and it's possible. Not one.

 

[justanotherday]

The same thing you are amongst several others. But the what doesn't matter. it's the end result and that's the same no matter how someone loses independence and security. Even posts of desperation like this get buried under two pages with one reply or nothing. There has to be someone out there who can help...really help with practical things. But people will not. They are so up their own arses even when miserable. I've given away everything I can afford to give away to people who needed it more than me. I've done everything I can to help people in life but when I need it it's never there. I know that can sound whiney...but it's the truth. Also platitudes and chats aren't what any of us need. We need medical care, money, safe housing, security. If online buddies could save life then we'd all be living in chats but you see what that does to people. I am angry and afraid and can't believe I have to end my fucking life to make it stop. I was always able to stand a little bit to the side of that...I understood it was real and I didn't think it was easy for anyone...always said words are easier than actions...but now I am being pushed across the line I don't want to go across. Not even ONE fucking person or organization will step up and it's possible. Not one.

I am so sorry you are going through this, and for your cat as well. I adore cats. Do you know of anybody nice to care for him/ her?
Will you still have housing for yourself?

 

[oopswronglife]

I am so sorry you are going through this, and for your cat as well. I adore cats. Do you know of anybody nice to care for him/ her?
Will you still have housing for yourself?

No and no. The people I live with now, who have made things much worse than they needed to be and only care about themselves, will technically feed and water her but not well. They are "throw it down once a week" sort of people and never pay attention to health or vet stuff. I do all that. I have put in my will I want her adopted out but there is an abundance of homeless cats and it's unlikely to happen and nobody in this redneck hellhole is going to enforce that anyway.

 

[justanotherday]

I wish I could help you and your cat.

I wish I could help you and your cat.

I could use a roommate.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

The same thing you are amongst several others. But the what doesn't matter. it's the end result and that's the same no matter how someone loses independence and security. Even posts of desperation like this get buried under two pages with one reply or nothing. There has to be someone out there who can help...really help with practical things. But people will not. They are so up their own arses even when miserable. I've given away everything I can afford to give away to people who needed it more than me. I've done everything I can to help people in life but when I need it it's never there. I know that can sound whiney...but it's the truth. Also platitudes and chats aren't what any of us need. We need medical care, money, safe housing, security. If online buddies could save life then we'd all be living in chats but you see what that does to people. I am angry and afraid and can't believe I have to end my fucking life to make it stop. I was always able to stand a little bit to the side of that...I understood it was real and I didn't think it was easy for anyone...always said words are easier than actions...but now I am being pushed across the line I don't want to go across. Not even ONE fucking person or organization will step up and it's possible. Not one.

Wow. Apart from the cat and a different illness I could have written that. No other post has resonated more deeply with me. You are correct we don't need sympathy and chats we need practical help. Only it is not there. It's a fucking sad situation when the best help you can get is the sympathy of strangers on tinternet. Still fwiw my thought are with you as I lay awake in my own pain.

 

[Sweet emotion]

The same thing you are amongst several others. But the what doesn't matter. it's the end result and that's the same no matter how someone loses independence and security. Even posts of desperation like this get buried under two pages with one reply or nothing. There has to be someone out there who can help...really help with practical things. But people will not. They are so up their own arses even when miserable. I've given away everything I can afford to give away to people who needed it more than me. I've done everything I can to help people in life but when I need it it's never there. I know that can sound whiney...but it's the truth. Also platitudes and chats aren't what any of us need. We need medical care, money, safe housing, security. If online buddies could save life then we'd all be living in chats but you see what that does to people. I am angry and afraid and can't believe I have to end my fucking life to make it stop. I was always able to stand a little bit to the side of that...I understood it was real and I didn't think it was easy for anyone...always said words are easier than actions...but now I am being pushed across the line I don't want to go across. Not even ONE fucking person or organization will step up and it's possible. Not one.

OMG you have CRPS? I'm so sorry.

The same thing you are amongst several others. But the what doesn't matter. it's the end result and that's the same no matter how someone loses independence and security. Even posts of desperation like this get buried under two pages with one reply or nothing. There has to be someone out there who can help...really help with practical things. But people will not. They are so up their own arses even when miserable. I've given away everything I can afford to give away to people who needed it more than me. I've done everything I can to help people in life but when I need it it's never there. I know that can sound whiney...but it's the truth. Also platitudes and chats aren't what any of us need. We need medical care, money, safe housing, security. If online buddies could save life then we'd all be living in chats but you see what that does to people. I am angry and afraid and can't believe I have to end my fucking life to make it stop. I was always able to stand a little bit to the side of that...I understood it was real and I didn't think it was easy for anyone...always said words are easier than actions...but now I am being pushed across the line I don't want to go across. Not even ONE fucking person or organization will step up and it's possible. Not one.

I understand. Words don't do anything. All the stuff we say to each other on here are just words on a screen that don't make the situation any better. But you're on here so you must want to talk a little bit. Maybe to get the anger out idk. I know that it's disgusting to have to end your life to make the physical situation stop.